Pondering Still

It is Tuesday.

I have two more days until I return to me home in the lovely town of Ancaster.

I often wonder if I am the only one that realized that music is more that just noisy art form. I think it has a life of it's own. Perhaps I am insane.

I have a girlfriend now. I am not sure what that means. I cannot wait to see her again. In four days that dream will come true.

It is like I am on the peripherals of something excellent. I am not quite caught in the grandeur of it all.

I find myself thinking about those friends that I have not seen in a while. I hope they are okay. It pains me to not know for sure.

I am already fretting about next semester. I want to tell my mind to 'screw off' but that is impossible. I need it after all.

I am not sure what I am babbling about or if anyone even reads this. I want some attention. I feel lonely. Is that so terrible to admit to?

I hope I am not alone in this...

So Close I Can Feel It

Lately I have been okay with myself. This is a totally new feeling for me. I am so used to hating myself or at least a part of me.

Obviously, this is well held secret. It may even come as a surprise to you.

Hate is such a powerful word and I think I have misused it. I don't think I could ever hate myself. For accurately, for a long time, I have been very disappointed in my result life and my previous actions.

However, that does not appear to be the case this week. The last few days have been good to me.

Even if I am being blinded by some sort of happiness, I will take this self-love as is. I do not want to ruin it.

On the other hand, I am deeply worried about some of my friends. Quite a few seem to be going through a really hard part of their lives. The common factor in all of them are relationships. Friends and partners can be wonderful but they also have a habit of destroying you slowly.

It is painful to see relationships go down hill. Worse still to witness the aftermath.

The close of summer is so close that I can feel it. While for some they are dreading September, I am looking forward to it. I want this summer semester of college to be over. I want all those culminating tasks to be over with and to begin the hands-on stuff.

I can hardly believe it has been almost a year straight of college. I must be wacky.

I Thought It Was The End

There is a man named Jon who is 22 years old and has a warrant out for his arrest.

Biking back from the grocery store (something I swore I would never do) I was trying to balance a bag of milk and some foil-wrapped potatoes when I came to a intersection.
I really wanted to get home - seriously regretting not taking the bike home from my ride and just walking to the store - so instead of waiting for the light to change, I started to go down the street on the opposite side.

I was going to cut across as there were no cars coming when I saw a police car. Upon seeing this, I decided to stay where I was at wait to cross at the next intersection. Suddenly, the police car made an U-turn and he was right infront of me. I thought I was dead.

Luckily enough, I swerved at the last second and made it safely to the other side of the road. Hopped off the bike and held my chest. My heart was going a billion paces a hour. From behind me I heard, "Hey you! Come over here!".

I was so freaking scared. I thought I was going to ram into his car and kill himself. A little shaken, I quickly crossed the road. Fear does strange things to people. I felt like crying but instead I yell "How is this my fault?!" I can be so stupid.

"Excuse me?" he said looking down from his 6 and a half foot stature. I asked how it was my fault that he made a U-turn in front of me. He corrected me in saying he was making a turn in a designated zone and that it was my fault I was on the wrong side of the road. I could have killed myself.

I once heard bikes were considered vehicles but I never got the conformation until today. I spoke truthfully when I said I didn't know. Seriously, officer. I didn't.

He asked for my ID and I gave it to him. He said a bunch of jargon and then said my name and birth date. Some women ran a check on me. A minute later - it felt like hours - she replied that there were no Jeffreys but there was a 22 old man named Jon with the same last name that was wanted. He refused to make eye contact with me (which mine were just beginning to water as I considered what this man could do to me).

He told me next time to be more careful, to ride on the correct side of traffic or one day I WILL end up dead. I wanted to shake his hand and thank him but he was already back in the car. My heart was still racing.

I feel like saying a little prayer. I have been saved once again.

Random Thoughts

You Look Cuter Without Glasses

Do You Want To Play A LoveGame? LoveGame! It's A Shame. LoveGame! I Do Not Even Know The Lyrics To This Thang...

That Computer Has A Green-Screen Of Death!!

Everything Would Look Cooler If 'EA' Words Were Converted To 'AE'.

I Bet Pudding and Fudge Would Taste Good Together. Too Bad Both Liquefy My Innards.

Everyday Would Be Better With Kittens.

[[more later. class now.]]

Raining in my Head

What the Hell?!

I was doing so well. I had finally got my mood up and was once again living the life I wanted.

A good solid five days - Wednesday to Monday - I was happy and excited. I say meaning in my life and I wanted to wake up with the sunrise.

My mood is still elevated but I have taken a sucker punch in the gut. She still won't talk to me. She hasn't answered or replied to a single one of my messages. I am being avoided.

To make things even better, my landlords think I have caused the recent water damage in my house. I am so upset. I take care of this old house as if it is my very own. It is a lovely piece of history and I adore it. I would never neglect a leak if I was aware of it. I literally came back to a flood and crumbling ceiling tiles. I have no idea how it happened.

I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I hate this sorrow that is rekindling inside of me.

Good news is that I am thrilled to be back in school. Strange how one week I dread it and the next I am in love. The people are so fantastic and I am excited to meet my second half professors. Proof of my improved state is that I can write again (and it isn't all emo poetry). I am overjoyed with the thoughts floating around in my head just waiting to be written.

Finally - here is to you (where ever you are). Even if you don't ever read this, know that you are still the most special person I know.

♥

Solstice

I swore I was not mad at you but I guess that I am.

I had the best week of my life and coming back to a water-damaged house is no less than - well - depressing.

Trying to make the best of it, I think I am losing myself in the process. My mother said something to the effect of, "the best way to say 'thank you' is to be happy for us." I nearly cried.

Maybe it is the rain. Maybe it is the fact I left the best place I know. Maybe it is because I didn't get to see nearly as many people as I wanted to. Maybe it is because I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. Regardless, I cannot help but admit I am afraid.

It is the strangest feeling ever; delighted but fearful. I am happy. I have seen the light and I am practically bathing in it but something still looms over me. The darkness shadow I know is lurking in the foreground. It is hard to justify such happiness when I know so many things are yet to be resolved.

I feel like dancing and celebrating life. I want to hold someone like it will be the last thing I will ever do.

I am overjoyed with the opportunities. I am nervous about what comes next.

If you don't mind, I would like to still hold your hand.

We Are Not All Made To Love

*WARNING: this blog contains emotions*

Why does boredom do this to be?
The internet is my worse enemy.
Always ending up in the completely wrong place.
I hate how I think it is you who said "You are too needy".
           (I especially dislike that I know that it is true)
Books don't contain me enough anymore.
I am falling back into a regime of a routine.
Stupid red-speckled dots on my eyelids.
Spending way too much time waiting for something to happen
I hate how I can write what I need to do
            but still feel powerless to make the change.
What in my heart does not translate to my actions.
My behaviour feels inconsistent, random and deranged.
I want to be in love but I am afraid to feel.
Music sounds like noise to me;
            what happened to its sweet poetry?

I am okay but I feel like I ought to admit that I am not. Does that make sense to anyone but myself? I feel like I have a great life but I am failing to appreciate it. One minutes I am giddy, the next I feel strung out. I need human interaction but I am afraid to give up my precious free time.

I am sitting on the tricycle of life and I need a push.

Who still loves me?