My Anti DietCoke-and-Mentos

I swear I was going to burst apart and scream until the sky turned black.

I was certain that I was going to give it all up, run out of class, and burn all my books.

I thought I was going to call my parent - crying - pleading to go home where everything made sense and I could actually breath.

On the bike ride back to my house, the wind even seemed against me. I exhaled loudly and pull my everything into pounding my legs as hard as they could go into the pedals. It felt like I barely made it. My heart raced and my hands shook like an addict.

I was going to throw myself indoors and than pout (at the very least) until it was a reasonable hour to pass out cold.

However - I was not given the pleasure.

I was intercepted by my roommate who changed my entire demeanor. Her smile is infectious. Her words were like velvet and had me entranced. How could I be angry with the Lord if He could make someone so kind as her?

Nothing she did was especially remarkable - we only exchanged a few frustrations - but the fact she talked to me brighten my entire outlook. I was then able to just sit down and pound through my anxiety and discover nothing was beyond my control. It was as if she gave me the power to do this.

I have to thank her - I have yet to do it. However, I am not sure if she would understand. Regardless, I am going to make the attempt.

For all those wonderful souls out there, continue to be outstanding. Who knows when an exhausted boy is going to need your optimism and compassion.

September 7th; A Day Like Any Other

I am two breaths away from starting another semester at college. My nerves are shot. I spent half of yesterday practicing breathing techniques and the other half smiling like an idiot for no reason at all.

My mother drove me to Lindsay. I am now living in the house with three other people. I found out that they are all graduates of Fish and Wildlife (the program I am currently taking) from a different college. They all seem close already.

The fact we obviously share an interest in wildlife should bring us together, right? How is it that we can having something so much in common and yet I still feel like an outcast? How can I still feel unwelcome when they have done nothing but be pleasant and cordial to me? Why do I cling to this loner lifestyle when all I want is to be happy and accepted?

A great many of people have said, "have you ever felt alone in a crowded room," but I remember it most from my favourite band Our Lady Peace. That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like everything I do singles me out. I don't talk right. I don't eat right. I don't do the things a normal 20-something does. I am weird and out-of-place.

I know this makes me seem down but that is not the truth. I am happy just also a tad nervous. I never know if I am doing the right thing. I have doubts that could break a hundred horses' backs. I don't know what to do with myself and it is like I am waiting for God to crack open the sky with the answer.

I feel all this and yet I know that this day is like any other. There is nothing really special about today but I feel like I am shouldering a ton of bricks. I am thinking about all the things I "should" or "could" be doing but none of them seem like they would help.

Maybe I need to talk about it. Maybe I need to socialize with my house-mates. Maybe I need to take a long walk and relax. Maybe I need to shut off my mind for a few hours and just content myself with killing some brain cells.

ARGH! I just want to lash out at myself. Why do I hate Jeffrey so?



- Jeffrey