April 8th; School of the Fin and Fang

It is kind of strange how one little comment can change your entire mood.

I was sitting in Animal Pathology class when my friend turned to me to ask what I was doing this weekend. We swapped plans and somehow got on the topic of next years. She asked me if I intended to come back for the third year of Fish and Wildlife. I said I did. Then she mentioned the aquatic vegetation collection.

I pretty much just denied it until the end of the lecture. The class happened to end 15 minutes before the next lecture so I popped over to the Wildlife lab to speak to John. Apparently there is another vegetation collection…and it is 100 species this time - 100 aquatic species.

It was hard enough to collect 80 species when it was common stuff that you find all around the place. This time it is all aquatic. This prompted me to look up what the courses are for next year.

Big Game and Fur Management I
Environmental Analysis
Fall Field Camp
Field Placement
Limnology III
Sport and Commercial Fisheries
Waterfowl Management

Applied GIS
Big Game and Fur Management II
Environmental Monitoring
Environmental Sampling and Analysis
Field Placement
Fisheries and Wildlife Research Project
Integrated Habitat Assessment
Winter Field Camp

It sounds pretty freaking cool. I am not AS excited for the Fisheries stuff but that is only one class. I have been struggling with my study skin so the Big Game and Fur Management is kind of intimidating. However, I do really enjoy a challenge.

I am just so worried about things. I want to stop thinking about school 24/7. I want to actually enjoy the summer this year rather than just “tolerate” like I did last year. I wonder if this is the right thing for me. I wonder if I am just doing this because it “seemed like fun”. It is crazy.

For the time being, I will sit with it. I am a tough cookie. I can deal with it.

Still – I feel like I need a little extra something to help me along. Pray for me?


- Jeffrey

March 25th; Full of Good

I know I have been hard on myself.

I know I do not really give people the time and day that I should.

I know that sometimes I think too much about thing and miss those wonderful opportunities.

I know that I come across as a self-seeking, smart ass from time to time

I know that I am nowhere near the perfect person I want to be.

However, today I received something that proved to me that I am not the loser I think I am. I am smiling and I feel good about myself. There is that long sought spring in my step. The sun is shining both on my face and in my heart. I love myself today.

I want to share this love. Who will receive it?

March 17th; Decisions, Decision, Decisions...

I am having some difficulty deciding – am I am helpful fellow or am I a smart-ass?

Here are the facts in the issue:
1. Whenever someone is studying something out loud, I am extremely tempted to get involved.
2. I like sharing my opinion.
3. I learn through trial and error.
4. When possible, I will ask others about what they think the answer is and gauge it with my own.
5. I study a good three hours a day.
6. I had my little way; I would eat peaches every day.

The honest truth is that I do not intend for it to be malicious. People have learned that I am well-informed and usually have the correct answer. I enjoy the attention and the respect. Is it really wrong for me to feel good about that?

I have been taught from a young age that it is good to share your talents. I feel there is not much more to share than my dedication to my program. I am a pretty boring guy aside from my scholastic capabilities. Therefore, I share my wisdom and experience to anyone who asks of it. Through that I have built a reputation that I adore. People know my name and that feels great.

There are some down sides to this. There is an awful large amount of pressure to stay on top of my course material. This alone makes me rather anxious. I feel almost as if I lose my smarts, no one will care about me. There is a push to be perfect; one which I may or may not be able to upkeep.

Part of me does not want to care THIS much about school and my grades. I am happy-go-lucky guy by nature. I care more about relationships (social interaction) than I do about how well I do in school. However, with that said, there is still that self-requirement for me to achieve high marks. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to ignore people to keep these standards at the level I has thus far held them at. It is this key element that causes the most conflict in my days.

Although, I think I got it down. I have decided I am a nice guy that likes to help. Sometimes I come on too heavy and stick my nose in business that I do not belong in but it is based in good intentions. I am not perfect but I want to be. I realize that is an unachievable goal. I also know that school is temporary and people have the potential to be forever (they are certainly a lot more long lived than test marks).

Love each other!


- Jeffrey

October 28th; Things in General

WARNING: I just might be bipolar. This is a dump of emotions.

It is probably the fatigue talking but I am in that place again when I feel like I am trapped in a cycle that will lead to my doom.

It is only 10:00pm and I feel like a bag of poop. I want to stop thinking about all those scary things that I am afraid.

Why do they all have to be lumped together in that category of "Growing Up".

I have been driving again. I feels great. Still, I feel like a child behind the wheel. My mother says I am doing very well. I ponder whether she mean really well overall or really well for me.

School creeps into my head hourly. I am trying to enjoy my week off but homework is corrupting things. I want to hang with my friends and forget all this mess. I want to run so far away from my school responsibilities that I wake up in the a forest filled with happiness. It feels like heaven.

Just a few day before I left college, a professor reminded us that now is the time to look for jobs for the summer. I nearly cried.

I am so frigging high-strung. I can feel the tension building in my chest. My bones feel brittle. I have been sleeping 9 and a half hours on average. All I want to do all day is read and write. Do I have depression yet? No...

The strange thing is that I am unhappy. It is actually the very opposite. I cannot be happier and that makes things harder. I know eventually I will have to go back to college and return to that feeling of uncertainty. I am not uncomfortable there either. I enjoy my room mates and love the field I am studying.

The problem is, each day I go to school is another day closer to the real thing. I am slowly appraoch life and I am scared.

Once again, I am pleading for someone to hold me. I want some love and assurance that I will be okay. I give the middle finger to that voice that says I am too needy. I know I am.

How can I be so conflicted? I am happy but panicking. Excited but nervous.

I am a miracle. I love this. I continue to impress myself with my rapid range of emotions. Who else is amused?

I Would Gladly Bet My Life Upon It

"Is it that hard to be happy?"

I have been questioning my every movement recently. I do not know anymore if I have the courage to live a life that I half believe in. At times, I want to break down and cry. I want to question God on why he had to make me so indecisive. I want to scream, kick and wail.

I got very drunk on Friday. Ever since then, it feels like my life is a joke. I think I have kicked myself in a fatigue-induced depression (and I hate it!)

School being as intensive as it is, is not helping at all. I feel constantly behind and that is irksome for a self-proclaim overachiever. I am not sure if I enjoy learning as much as I love to know. The process is nauseating. I like it when I get that "A-ha" moment. I dislike the dirt I have to drag myself in before I can get there.

I know what it is - I am afraid to be caught "stupid". When everyone calls you smart, it sucks when you feel so idiotic. I know I am a bright lad but I am not sure of my other abilities. It all falls back to my self-doubt.

I hate when my problems seem so simple. It isn't very validating.

On the bright side, I am alive, relatively healthy and enjoying the good times. I have wonderful friends, great parents and a world of other creature comforts. I should be happy. I think I am but I am just giving myself a hard time.

Still...is it immature to want help?

My Anti DietCoke-and-Mentos

I swear I was going to burst apart and scream until the sky turned black.

I was certain that I was going to give it all up, run out of class, and burn all my books.

I thought I was going to call my parent - crying - pleading to go home where everything made sense and I could actually breath.

On the bike ride back to my house, the wind even seemed against me. I exhaled loudly and pull my everything into pounding my legs as hard as they could go into the pedals. It felt like I barely made it. My heart raced and my hands shook like an addict.

I was going to throw myself indoors and than pout (at the very least) until it was a reasonable hour to pass out cold.

However - I was not given the pleasure.

I was intercepted by my roommate who changed my entire demeanor. Her smile is infectious. Her words were like velvet and had me entranced. How could I be angry with the Lord if He could make someone so kind as her?

Nothing she did was especially remarkable - we only exchanged a few frustrations - but the fact she talked to me brighten my entire outlook. I was then able to just sit down and pound through my anxiety and discover nothing was beyond my control. It was as if she gave me the power to do this.

I have to thank her - I have yet to do it. However, I am not sure if she would understand. Regardless, I am going to make the attempt.

For all those wonderful souls out there, continue to be outstanding. Who knows when an exhausted boy is going to need your optimism and compassion.

September 7th; A Day Like Any Other

I am two breaths away from starting another semester at college. My nerves are shot. I spent half of yesterday practicing breathing techniques and the other half smiling like an idiot for no reason at all.

My mother drove me to Lindsay. I am now living in the house with three other people. I found out that they are all graduates of Fish and Wildlife (the program I am currently taking) from a different college. They all seem close already.

The fact we obviously share an interest in wildlife should bring us together, right? How is it that we can having something so much in common and yet I still feel like an outcast? How can I still feel unwelcome when they have done nothing but be pleasant and cordial to me? Why do I cling to this loner lifestyle when all I want is to be happy and accepted?

A great many of people have said, "have you ever felt alone in a crowded room," but I remember it most from my favourite band Our Lady Peace. That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like everything I do singles me out. I don't talk right. I don't eat right. I don't do the things a normal 20-something does. I am weird and out-of-place.

I know this makes me seem down but that is not the truth. I am happy just also a tad nervous. I never know if I am doing the right thing. I have doubts that could break a hundred horses' backs. I don't know what to do with myself and it is like I am waiting for God to crack open the sky with the answer.

I feel all this and yet I know that this day is like any other. There is nothing really special about today but I feel like I am shouldering a ton of bricks. I am thinking about all the things I "should" or "could" be doing but none of them seem like they would help.

Maybe I need to talk about it. Maybe I need to socialize with my house-mates. Maybe I need to take a long walk and relax. Maybe I need to shut off my mind for a few hours and just content myself with killing some brain cells.

ARGH! I just want to lash out at myself. Why do I hate Jeffrey so?



- Jeffrey

The Third Attempt

I thought it would be a good idea to let you know that I am okay.

I know you said you could make no promises but I still thing you heart has something left to give.

Broken and hardly outspoken, I think you have what it takes to let me in.

I know that I do.

Seeing you like this tears me apart. I want it all to stop but I know you have a process to go through.

I wish only that I could help.

…

Another week and I can barely comprehend that it is the third. Time is going by so quickly. I think I am beginning to really enjoy it. If it was not for this stupid vegetation collection then I think I could really be swimming in joy. I know that is not the only thing holding me back but I feel like it is the main one.

The day is so beautiful I can hardly remain in my seat. I am having this flow of happiness. There is so much to do, and I am doing it, but I still feel grand.

Could this be euphoria? Am I manic?

Hopefully this is the beginning of something beautiful. I hate the feel of anxious legs and frantic thoughts. I think I am in the mood for being content.


- Jeffrey

The Light in Hell

I am back into my studies.

Here I am; Lost in my responsibilities. I am swamped in my work. I am lonely and I am ad. I strain to go on because I feel so helpless.

This is what my thoughts tell me. I am glad this is not

I do have some support here. I am not alone with my thoughts. I want to go home; badly. However, I do love it here and I am having a lot of fun. I love that the air is breathable and I adore that I can feel my heart expanding.

What I hate is that I am alone in my house. I hate that thee is so much work also little that I do know. I fell in love with the town but I hate how rural and hopelessly alone I feel at night.

That was until I met Kay.

Let’s just say my worries melted away the second I saw her and leave it like that. The impossibilities of my workload, how lethal the topics may be, all the horrid tests and essays will simply fade when she but smiles and utters the smallest of laughs.

My heart skipped a beat.

There just isn’t anything more to it. This – is – awesome!