May 11th; The Lounging Figure on My Bed

So what is up with me? I will tell you what you what is up – a bunch!

Friday-Saturday-Sunday was a three day combo-smash in my face. I actually enjoyed it. The funny thing is that it was pretty intense. I went through a huge range of emotions. I was shocked that I was able to go through that kind of thing and not explode.

Perhaps I am playing it up too much. Allow me to explain.

On Friday, I took the GO Bus to Toronto where I met up with the fabulous Bronwen. We decided together that first things first – we needed to do lunch. Her father took us out to a nice Thai place called "Spring Rolls" where the food was excellent. I felt a little guilty that he paid for all of it but I let it go. There is no use in dwelling on something like that.

After the meal, Bronwen and I went to The World’s Biggest Book Store where we got NO books at all (sacrilege!) I suggested a bunch of stuff but nothing caught either of our eyes. By the time we exited the book store, it was raining. We ran across the street to HMV where I picked up a CD for my good buddy (that’s you, Kyle). With the CD purchased, it was nearing the time we needed to head back to the train station so we could meet up with her father. We figured we would just grab a coffee and wait. That did not quite happen. We were told some directions to take by her father but – alas – we suck and got lost. And so began the adventure in the rain!

Thankfully we got to the train in time, had some time to dry off, breifly went back to her place, and then proceeded to go another restaurant for dinner. Once again, it was delicious. I had the opportunity to meet her friends and I get to know her family a bit more. Afterward, we all when we back to Bronwen's house and chatted over coffee. I can honestly say, Bronwen's family is great.

The entire experience was wonderful. I got home at around 11:15pm and couldn’t sleep for several hours. I was just so happy. I filled that time just silently smiling to myself. This was slightly unfortunate since I had in-class driving school at 9:00am the next morning. Even though I was down some sleep, it was pretty good. The instructor is Jamaican and called the Philippino a “China-man” and some of the classmate are hilarious. How could one not have fun? Sunday was basically rinse-wash-repeat of Saturday.

I have been driving a lot - getting that experience behind the wheel - which is great. I love the independence and the confidence that I am building. The autonomy that I will have once I have a G2 will not only be freeing but will make me feel better about myself. I cannot wait to get it. It will be a good thing for me and my personal development. However, I guess I will have to get a vehicle and insurance…blah blah blah! We’ll tackle that when we get to it.

Things are pretty good. I am happy for the most part. There are a few wrinkles to iron out but those will be attended to in time. There is nothing to fret about.

May 5th; This is Me

As promised this is:

A GLIMPSE INTO JEFFREY’S MIND!!!

A lot of things have been on my mind lately and it is making feel quite down. Allow me to list them for you.

First, although I promised my mother and myself I would not, I am pretty anxious about my freaking 100 plant species collection. As soon as I make it up to the cottage, where I am actually around some good aquatic habitat (no industrially damaged), I will be fine. However, for now I am working without a plant press and that limits what I can do. It is all about the equipment, baby.

Secondly, I feel rather emasculated. I feel weak. I am not into the things most guys are. Pizza and beer are not the staples of my diet. My muscles are not my first concern. This is an ‘easy’ fix – eat a bunch of protein and pump some iron – but I kind of enjoy being who I am. I am a social person and I really not going to work out unless I have someone there to positively support me (not yell in my ear that I am pathetic) and share in the experience. I prefer to focus on my ambitions rather than my physical appearance. After all, I didn’t spend 6 months in hospital defeating my false perceptions to just throw it in my therapists’ face.

Third on the list, I have some conflicting emotions towards some people in my life. This was provoked by a conversation with my mother. Apparently I have a habit of finding myself in relationships (including friendships) with people that are in need of a friend. I like helping people and therefore I am drawn to these “puppy dogs” (as my mother calls them). They help me feel better about myself because I have the sense that I am making a difference in these peoples’ lives. As I get more aware of their situations, I tend to get closer. Not my fault, right?

Fourth, I am kind of bummed out that I am having such a difficult time finding work. My father is offering a job at Toronto Hydro that involves making charts, table and graphs in Excel. I am less than enthusiastic to be spending my days in front of a computer. However, it would be cool to being working with my father. Dad is a pretty cool guy.

Last but not least, I feel this lingering doubt concerning the person that I am. I feel really invalidated and stupid when someone asks a question that pertains to my expertise (fish, wildlife, and the environment in general) and I do not know (I am less than helpful). I feel I SHOULD know all this stuff by now. There is this great temptation to just spend my summer studying so that I am ‘prepared’ for all these questions that could be asked. Also, it would be good practice for next year. However, I want to enjoy my summer rather than getting stressed out about school. Sadly, the perfectionist is still alive and living in me. I NEED to do well. Part of me hates that.

Well, there you go. Now you know. Have a good day. Love each other.


- Jeffrey

May 3rd; Another End

Something is wrong

I don't want
anyone
to touch me

Thank you for your time.

I think I will be on my way now.

April 29th; Something to Embrace

It is a quarter to midnight – not my usual time to be up and writing – but I feel I have something important to state.

All my faults, all my short-comings and all my painful memories are NOT the things that define who I am. They are a part of me but they are not entirely me.

It took some harsh realities, a phone call I wish I didn’t have to make and even a little relapse into teenage-hood but I have come out wiser. Denying my many talents and pure determination to just “be” will accomplish nothing.

Therefore, I have decided something. Starting today, there will be no more faking, no more self-deceit and no more crippling doubt. The last one is going to be hard but I am committed to make it happen. This means facing some of my intense fears but I think – at almost 22 – I can finally do that.

I have been putting off the important things. I pretend like it is a “choice” but my lack of drivers’ licence is something I have struggled with since I was 18. Four years may not seem like a long time, but it has been pretty torturous. It is hard, but I am getting in the car, behind the wheel, and putting in the practice. I have booked drivers’ ed and seeking information related to my G2. Whether I ‘like’ it for not, I am getting that damn thing. It is crippling my opportunities and I will not stand for it any longer.

A few days ago I realized that I am a jumbled piece of redundancies but I have made sense of the majority of it. I like doing things and I like doing them well. When I am not near perfect at something, I get discouraged. I also like doing one thing at a time. Sure, I can multitask but if it is something I really would rather avoid, I must tackle it head on (case and point, my licence). Looking for a job and then losing it because I had no legal ability to drive reminded me of that. I need to work on the things I still need before I can wrestle in my dreams.

This all might sound a bit bleak but it is encouraging for me. It fills me with hope. I find myself thanking God a lot more. I believe that is because I am finally discovering exactly who this Jeffrey person is. That feels good.

I could say more, but that should be sufficient to display where I am at for the moment. Hopefully, this will give me the courage and the understanding to continue on this positive path. God willing, and with the support of my family, friends and pets, I will come out of this victorious.


- Jeffrey

April 21st; Careless - The Good Kind

Hell – I do not care. I have nothing to hide

I am feeling really good right now. I am sort of worried about Natural Resource Law exam. I am kind of concerned about next year in third year. Everyone makes it seem like torture. I am a bit preoccupied with this silly collection I have to do this summer. I am a tad upset the girl I like doesn’t get that I like her. Some parts of me are second guessing working at Humane Wildlife Control (you know, that job that I technically do not have yet).

However – like I said – I feeling really good right now.

I am one freaking exam away from coming home to Amber, Kira, Huck, Finn, Mishka, Winter and the fish too. I am one day away from returning to my family and friends. I am a couple sleeps away from reuniting with my home town. I could not be more pleased.

I am writing awesome words (I like them) which makes me really happy. I am getting those bottled emotions out. It is like my own personal drug. It is amazing. I can feel it rejuvenating my body. It has to be healthy!

I am also pretty worn out but it is that good kind of burn. It’s a dull pain that you know is worth it in the end. In that respect, it feels good. I know relief so within my reach.

I just thought I would share that


- Jeffrey

April 18; Just Another Day in Paradizzle

I am not sure what to say…LIES!

Recent days have, once again, been very good to me. Instead of doing my usual intensive studying, I have been taking some time to enjoy myself. This sounds a bit weird, but it has been a bit uncomfortable. I am having some genuine fun, but it feels a bit out of character for me (a.k.a. wrong).

Thursday, the fly-fishing club had a black crappie cook off (the fish were caught off a fly). I had two pints, biked home and then drank some more beer. It was pretty ridiculously good fun. I had some pretty good conversations that day. There was a twinge of guilt but I was able to push it down.

Saturday, I ended up going to Whitby with my friend Bronwen and saw the always enjoyable Alice in Wonderland. It was a pretty cool movie – not what I was expecting but it was quite good. Following that we went out for some Thai, drove back to Lindsay and talked the night almost away.

As for today – I have been doing a lot of thinking and studying. I have been wrestling with whether I should change programs for some time. Third year of Fish and Wildlife promises to be a challenge. I would be lying if I said I that I would not mind having to “kick back” in school. Fish and Wildlife has been busy enough. I do not necessarily need another turning up of the pace.

However – I decided today to stick with Fish and Wildlife. It is going to be a lot of work but I am ready for it. I have the work ethic. I have the dedication. I have the intelligence. Everything else will fall in place. This is going to be good for me and – most likely – a lot of fun as well.

If I can retain my sanity for just a week more, I will be home free. The next four months will be dedicated to friend, family, pets and a job. Somewhere I will fit in collecting some plants. Possibly I can incorporate some of the previous mentioned categories to assist me. Hunting for vegetation can be fun if you know how to make it less about getting plants and more getting you waders full of water and pretending to be the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Take care.


- Jeffrey

April 15th; Measured Milestones

It hard to believe but I am a week away from being done all of my second year Fish and Wildlife courses. Technically, I could graduate. However, I have other plans…

This is how things are looking:

Monday April 19: Limnology II exam and Environmental Issues final test.

Wednesday April 21: Animal Pathology final test and Wildlife Diseases exam.

Thursday April 22: Natural Resource Law exam.

In a way, I am surprised I am as relaxed as I currently am. On the other hand, there really isn’t much to freak out about. In all cases, I know my stuff and I just have to refresh my memory on a few elements. I am confident that I will do all right.

This summer it looks like I will be working at Humane Wildlife Control. I have some concerns if my body is physically up to the challenge but I have been reassured that my dedication and determination will more than make up for some of my short-comings in that area (Thanks, Kyle).

The hard work factor aside, I am pretty freaking excited for that possibility. It is exactly the kind of thing I want to be doing right now. I want to build my understanding of how humans and animals interact. I want firsthand experience with settling those issues. Most of all, I want to be in a position where I can relate to the public and have the feeling that I am helping society.

I may be a weakling now but hopefully I will be jacked by the end of the summer if I do get this job.

Besides the school and work environment – which I tend to spend too much time dwelling upon – I am really pumped to come back home. I miss my friends like I miss being able to eat ice cream without abdominal pain and diarrhea. That is pretty intense. I have a few things lined up but I hope to plan some more. I realized through this semester that I really do not give much recognition to how important my friends are to me. By all right, they should have my full attention.

Finally – I am a bit disappointed that my landlords have not gotten back to my friends who wish to live with me next year. I really do not understand how they could be willy-nilly with the prospect of four guaranteed cheques of 4 month’s rent. That is something like 7500 dollars that they are potentially turning their nose up to.

Perhaps there is something complicating issues. Maybe there are other people are looking to rent (it is an amazingly beautiful house). However – these three girls are cut from quality cloth. They won’t be messing up the house like other people in college would. The four of us are serious students. That is nothing to turn a blind eye to.

Anyways…this is getting long.

Hope all is well in the world. It certainly is looking positive from where I am standing.


- Jeffrey