My Anti DietCoke-and-Mentos

I swear I was going to burst apart and scream until the sky turned black.

I was certain that I was going to give it all up, run out of class, and burn all my books.

I thought I was going to call my parent - crying - pleading to go home where everything made sense and I could actually breath.

On the bike ride back to my house, the wind even seemed against me. I exhaled loudly and pull my everything into pounding my legs as hard as they could go into the pedals. It felt like I barely made it. My heart raced and my hands shook like an addict.

I was going to throw myself indoors and than pout (at the very least) until it was a reasonable hour to pass out cold.

However - I was not given the pleasure.

I was intercepted by my roommate who changed my entire demeanor. Her smile is infectious. Her words were like velvet and had me entranced. How could I be angry with the Lord if He could make someone so kind as her?

Nothing she did was especially remarkable - we only exchanged a few frustrations - but the fact she talked to me brighten my entire outlook. I was then able to just sit down and pound through my anxiety and discover nothing was beyond my control. It was as if she gave me the power to do this.

I have to thank her - I have yet to do it. However, I am not sure if she would understand. Regardless, I am going to make the attempt.

For all those wonderful souls out there, continue to be outstanding. Who knows when an exhausted boy is going to need your optimism and compassion.

September 7th; A Day Like Any Other

I am two breaths away from starting another semester at college. My nerves are shot. I spent half of yesterday practicing breathing techniques and the other half smiling like an idiot for no reason at all.

My mother drove me to Lindsay. I am now living in the house with three other people. I found out that they are all graduates of Fish and Wildlife (the program I am currently taking) from a different college. They all seem close already.

The fact we obviously share an interest in wildlife should bring us together, right? How is it that we can having something so much in common and yet I still feel like an outcast? How can I still feel unwelcome when they have done nothing but be pleasant and cordial to me? Why do I cling to this loner lifestyle when all I want is to be happy and accepted?

A great many of people have said, "have you ever felt alone in a crowded room," but I remember it most from my favourite band Our Lady Peace. That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like everything I do singles me out. I don't talk right. I don't eat right. I don't do the things a normal 20-something does. I am weird and out-of-place.

I know this makes me seem down but that is not the truth. I am happy just also a tad nervous. I never know if I am doing the right thing. I have doubts that could break a hundred horses' backs. I don't know what to do with myself and it is like I am waiting for God to crack open the sky with the answer.

I feel all this and yet I know that this day is like any other. There is nothing really special about today but I feel like I am shouldering a ton of bricks. I am thinking about all the things I "should" or "could" be doing but none of them seem like they would help.

Maybe I need to talk about it. Maybe I need to socialize with my house-mates. Maybe I need to take a long walk and relax. Maybe I need to shut off my mind for a few hours and just content myself with killing some brain cells.

ARGH! I just want to lash out at myself. Why do I hate Jeffrey so?



- Jeffrey

Pondering Still

It is Tuesday.

I have two more days until I return to me home in the lovely town of Ancaster.

I often wonder if I am the only one that realized that music is more that just noisy art form. I think it has a life of it's own. Perhaps I am insane.

I have a girlfriend now. I am not sure what that means. I cannot wait to see her again. In four days that dream will come true.

It is like I am on the peripherals of something excellent. I am not quite caught in the grandeur of it all.

I find myself thinking about those friends that I have not seen in a while. I hope they are okay. It pains me to not know for sure.

I am already fretting about next semester. I want to tell my mind to 'screw off' but that is impossible. I need it after all.

I am not sure what I am babbling about or if anyone even reads this. I want some attention. I feel lonely. Is that so terrible to admit to?

I hope I am not alone in this...

So Close I Can Feel It

Lately I have been okay with myself. This is a totally new feeling for me. I am so used to hating myself or at least a part of me.

Obviously, this is well held secret. It may even come as a surprise to you.

Hate is such a powerful word and I think I have misused it. I don't think I could ever hate myself. For accurately, for a long time, I have been very disappointed in my result life and my previous actions.

However, that does not appear to be the case this week. The last few days have been good to me.

Even if I am being blinded by some sort of happiness, I will take this self-love as is. I do not want to ruin it.

On the other hand, I am deeply worried about some of my friends. Quite a few seem to be going through a really hard part of their lives. The common factor in all of them are relationships. Friends and partners can be wonderful but they also have a habit of destroying you slowly.

It is painful to see relationships go down hill. Worse still to witness the aftermath.

The close of summer is so close that I can feel it. While for some they are dreading September, I am looking forward to it. I want this summer semester of college to be over. I want all those culminating tasks to be over with and to begin the hands-on stuff.

I can hardly believe it has been almost a year straight of college. I must be wacky.

I Thought It Was The End

There is a man named Jon who is 22 years old and has a warrant out for his arrest.

Biking back from the grocery store (something I swore I would never do) I was trying to balance a bag of milk and some foil-wrapped potatoes when I came to a intersection.
I really wanted to get home - seriously regretting not taking the bike home from my ride and just walking to the store - so instead of waiting for the light to change, I started to go down the street on the opposite side.

I was going to cut across as there were no cars coming when I saw a police car. Upon seeing this, I decided to stay where I was at wait to cross at the next intersection. Suddenly, the police car made an U-turn and he was right infront of me. I thought I was dead.

Luckily enough, I swerved at the last second and made it safely to the other side of the road. Hopped off the bike and held my chest. My heart was going a billion paces a hour. From behind me I heard, "Hey you! Come over here!".

I was so freaking scared. I thought I was going to ram into his car and kill himself. A little shaken, I quickly crossed the road. Fear does strange things to people. I felt like crying but instead I yell "How is this my fault?!" I can be so stupid.

"Excuse me?" he said looking down from his 6 and a half foot stature. I asked how it was my fault that he made a U-turn in front of me. He corrected me in saying he was making a turn in a designated zone and that it was my fault I was on the wrong side of the road. I could have killed myself.

I once heard bikes were considered vehicles but I never got the conformation until today. I spoke truthfully when I said I didn't know. Seriously, officer. I didn't.

He asked for my ID and I gave it to him. He said a bunch of jargon and then said my name and birth date. Some women ran a check on me. A minute later - it felt like hours - she replied that there were no Jeffreys but there was a 22 old man named Jon with the same last name that was wanted. He refused to make eye contact with me (which mine were just beginning to water as I considered what this man could do to me).

He told me next time to be more careful, to ride on the correct side of traffic or one day I WILL end up dead. I wanted to shake his hand and thank him but he was already back in the car. My heart was still racing.

I feel like saying a little prayer. I have been saved once again.

Random Thoughts

You Look Cuter Without Glasses

Do You Want To Play A LoveGame? LoveGame! It's A Shame. LoveGame! I Do Not Even Know The Lyrics To This Thang...

That Computer Has A Green-Screen Of Death!!

Everything Would Look Cooler If 'EA' Words Were Converted To 'AE'.

I Bet Pudding and Fudge Would Taste Good Together. Too Bad Both Liquefy My Innards.

Everyday Would Be Better With Kittens.

[[more later. class now.]]

Raining in my Head

What the Hell?!

I was doing so well. I had finally got my mood up and was once again living the life I wanted.

A good solid five days - Wednesday to Monday - I was happy and excited. I say meaning in my life and I wanted to wake up with the sunrise.

My mood is still elevated but I have taken a sucker punch in the gut. She still won't talk to me. She hasn't answered or replied to a single one of my messages. I am being avoided.

To make things even better, my landlords think I have caused the recent water damage in my house. I am so upset. I take care of this old house as if it is my very own. It is a lovely piece of history and I adore it. I would never neglect a leak if I was aware of it. I literally came back to a flood and crumbling ceiling tiles. I have no idea how it happened.

I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I hate this sorrow that is rekindling inside of me.

Good news is that I am thrilled to be back in school. Strange how one week I dread it and the next I am in love. The people are so fantastic and I am excited to meet my second half professors. Proof of my improved state is that I can write again (and it isn't all emo poetry). I am overjoyed with the thoughts floating around in my head just waiting to be written.

Finally - here is to you (where ever you are). Even if you don't ever read this, know that you are still the most special person I know.

♥