Raining in my Head

What the Hell?!

I was doing so well. I had finally got my mood up and was once again living the life I wanted.

A good solid five days - Wednesday to Monday - I was happy and excited. I say meaning in my life and I wanted to wake up with the sunrise.

My mood is still elevated but I have taken a sucker punch in the gut. She still won't talk to me. She hasn't answered or replied to a single one of my messages. I am being avoided.

To make things even better, my landlords think I have caused the recent water damage in my house. I am so upset. I take care of this old house as if it is my very own. It is a lovely piece of history and I adore it. I would never neglect a leak if I was aware of it. I literally came back to a flood and crumbling ceiling tiles. I have no idea how it happened.

I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I hate this sorrow that is rekindling inside of me.

Good news is that I am thrilled to be back in school. Strange how one week I dread it and the next I am in love. The people are so fantastic and I am excited to meet my second half professors. Proof of my improved state is that I can write again (and it isn't all emo poetry). I am overjoyed with the thoughts floating around in my head just waiting to be written.

Finally - here is to you (where ever you are). Even if you don't ever read this, know that you are still the most special person I know.

♥

Solstice

I swore I was not mad at you but I guess that I am.

I had the best week of my life and coming back to a water-damaged house is no less than - well - depressing.

Trying to make the best of it, I think I am losing myself in the process. My mother said something to the effect of, "the best way to say 'thank you' is to be happy for us." I nearly cried.

Maybe it is the rain. Maybe it is the fact I left the best place I know. Maybe it is because I didn't get to see nearly as many people as I wanted to. Maybe it is because I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. Regardless, I cannot help but admit I am afraid.

It is the strangest feeling ever; delighted but fearful. I am happy. I have seen the light and I am practically bathing in it but something still looms over me. The darkness shadow I know is lurking in the foreground. It is hard to justify such happiness when I know so many things are yet to be resolved.

I feel like dancing and celebrating life. I want to hold someone like it will be the last thing I will ever do.

I am overjoyed with the opportunities. I am nervous about what comes next.

If you don't mind, I would like to still hold your hand.

We Are Not All Made To Love

*WARNING: this blog contains emotions*

Why does boredom do this to be?
The internet is my worse enemy.
Always ending up in the completely wrong place.
I hate how I think it is you who said "You are too needy".
           (I especially dislike that I know that it is true)
Books don't contain me enough anymore.
I am falling back into a regime of a routine.
Stupid red-speckled dots on my eyelids.
Spending way too much time waiting for something to happen
I hate how I can write what I need to do
            but still feel powerless to make the change.
What in my heart does not translate to my actions.
My behaviour feels inconsistent, random and deranged.
I want to be in love but I am afraid to feel.
Music sounds like noise to me;
            what happened to its sweet poetry?

I am okay but I feel like I ought to admit that I am not. Does that make sense to anyone but myself? I feel like I have a great life but I am failing to appreciate it. One minutes I am giddy, the next I feel strung out. I need human interaction but I am afraid to give up my precious free time.

I am sitting on the tricycle of life and I need a push.

Who still loves me?

Gone-Left-Escaped

Things seem to be slipping away

Both way applicable.

I keep forgetting to lock the side door.
I keep remembering the rush of grade of 100%; forgetting the pleasure in everything else.
I keep forgetting to sit down.
I keep remembering the joy in the little things; forgetting to dwell endlessly.

I think things are going to be okay but I don't know for sure. I want that more than anything.

Tegan and Sara keep me company in the meanwhile. I wish I could say I want to be a superstar but at this point I will settle for mere survival.

I have a bad habit of convincing myself it is worse than it is only to realize late at night it doesn't matter.

Good new is...I can admit to it.

This Time

I think I have found out why I am not always so happy.

This time I am going to stop caring about the 90%
This time I am going to start having fun when I am young
This time I am not going to be ashamed of my intelligence
This time I am not going to go over something already raped to death
This time I am going to do what my body says is right
This time I am going to do what makes me feel good.

I am sick of worry about what everyone thinks of me. I am tired of caring so much about everything. I can no longer afford to be Mr. Perfect.

I am going to rejoice in my friend, do well in school, and let everything else just fall in place. This is what I think will work. It feels like walking in a hilly forest blindfolded and with my legs tied together but I say it is worth a try.

It's nothing that will kill me after all...