June 13th; A New Kind of Living

It has been a week and I am not sure what I have to say.

A lot has happened but I am not sure how willing I am to share it. A lot of people have been talking to me about some pretty serious stuff. I am always willing to lend an ear – that is not the issue – but I worry about my friends and family. Stuff happens. I hope I can provide for them.

In other news, my brother has become quite the man right before my eyes. A new house, a new fiancée, and now a new dog. It is a lot to take in. I am so incredibly proud and happy for him. I really couldn’t ask for a better older brother. He has been nothing but supportive and encouragement. Even during the rough few years, he was there and I am thankful for that.

I had some people over last night. It was a great experience and yet another nice addition to my Heritage Day experiences. I love hosting and it gave me the opportunity to connect with people I haven’t seen in a quite a long time. I have known them for easily 5 years, but it something new always surprises me every time I see them. They are an excellent bunch.

The weeks that are coming up should prove to be promising. At the end of the month I have my G2 driving test. Since my mother will be caught up with convocation, my father will be taking me out to smooth out the blemishes so to speak. My dad is a great guy but he isn’t very critical of me. I worry he will be unwilling to point out my mistakes in hopes to keep the peace.

A completed plant collection and a perhaps a job/volunteer position and I would call myself content. The in between might be tricky and a bit tedious but I will grow from that. That is what life is all about.


- Jeffrey

April 2nd; I Have Felt Them All

Complete apathy --> Misery --> Fatigue --> Illness --> Confounding thoughts --> Guilt --> Relief --> Numbness.

These past few days I have felt them all.

I am in that place where I do not know what to do with myself. Recently I have been doing the silly thing of analyzing my relationships with people. I have made some conclusions which the results are less than satisfactory.

It all boils down to this: I need to make more time for my friends.

This summer is about three things:
a) Finding a job
b) Getting my G2
c) Being with my friends

Nothing must get in my way of accomplishing those things. There are some pretty amazing people in my life that deserve more attention. As well, I can admit, I miss them all so dearly. I feel like I am shooting myself in the foot if I let them slip away. They are my life-force. I need them to be happy.

Therefore, beware of Jeffrey. In the days to come he will be requesting to see you and then spend some time with you.

I hope you are all adequately prepared.


- Jeffrey

November 12th; All Mine - Always

Tonight I had a bit of an epiphany.

Under all these layers of disappointment and anxiety, the need to be loved and respected, and sorrow for the things that have occurred that can never be erased, Jeffrey Ethier is a compassionate kind young man.

I saw that I am not the giant f*** up I keep telling myself that I am. No one really cares if I don't have my drivers' license. People are not interested in if I haven't kissed a girl in all of my 21 years. I don't dance well but people don't judge me by that. I rather drink orange juice with only OJ in it, and that is all right!

Stuff happens and it pulls you down. I am freaking obsessed with getting good grade because I think it defines me. I grew up with a brother that I have always thought was on another plane of intelligence than I was. School is both my friend and my enemy. It is source of happiness, confusion, wonder, frustration and pain. It has a power to make me feel as light as air and to pull me deep into an abyss of suffering.

I sometimes hate that person I became. I had two chances at life and I messed up both times.

After a while, you just have to love yourself. In the end, all you have is your own opionion of who you are. If you hate that person, than that is a pretty sucky life. Therefore, in the spirit of self-preservation, you have to adore at least a part of your being. It is essential.

I have been to Hell and back. Not that I am bragging but it has changed my perspective. It showed me that I don't want to be dead. It revealed that happiness DOES come from within. I saw a glimpse of the good life and I am still chasing it.

I say this because I know some people are pretty mixed up right now. I just want to tell those lost souls that is all right not to know where you are going. I wish to encourage you to continue walking though. The only thing worse than going the wrong way and giving up the path entirely. I have been there. It is no fun.

Love yourself. Love each other. Take time to witness the beauty. Everything else falls in place eventually. Believe me.

This Time

I think I have found out why I am not always so happy.

This time I am going to stop caring about the 90%
This time I am going to start having fun when I am young
This time I am not going to be ashamed of my intelligence
This time I am not going to go over something already raped to death
This time I am going to do what my body says is right
This time I am going to do what makes me feel good.

I am sick of worry about what everyone thinks of me. I am tired of caring so much about everything. I can no longer afford to be Mr. Perfect.

I am going to rejoice in my friend, do well in school, and let everything else just fall in place. This is what I think will work. It feels like walking in a hilly forest blindfolded and with my legs tied together but I say it is worth a try.

It's nothing that will kill me after all...