May 26th; Making Connections

Through the hot, humid days,
Through the unexpected surprises,
Through the drinks and drunken conversations,
I have found something that just might be peace.

Plus, how can I not be happy when I have kittens. They have really brightened the last few days. They remind me to stay perky and positive.

Forget about my shortcoming and all the “should haves" my life, I am content. I do not need to dwell on those things. I once thought it was a good thing to be always looking for a way to improve myself. Now I know that sort of ambition can tear me apart. Acceptance is something I need to – well – to accept. It is all right to be happy with just being the person you are.

I went drinking last night. The experience was amazing. I love catching up with old friends. I am beginning to understand what this whole “partying” mentality is about. No, I will not be staying up until the wee hours of the night everyday but now and then I think it is good for the soul.

I have the opportunity to really think about things and the experiences I am having. Perhaps it is not great to be so introspective but it does allow me to make connections between things. Some say I should get a hobby but I rather enjoy just staring in the expanse and thinking.

I am writing. I have this really cool idea for a story. I think I will have to storyboard it first and then write the “meat” of the story. This idea for novel has been brewing for almost 10 years now. That’s a heck of a long time. Part of me just wants to get it out, you know? It is a fantasy and any one reads that genre knows how out of hand stories can get in that realm.

Oh well, I guess that is for now. I am sure to write again soon.


- Jeffrey

March 16th; First Canada Wins Gold and Then This?!

It is amazing how much a little number can make you feel. I did not think it would affect me this much. It’s kind of scary.

In no way am I an expert birder but I am proud to say that I got 100% on my Bird Identification test in my Wildlife course. The teacher even picked it out of the pile to use it as a marking sheet. I guess he had confidence in me.

Based on this test alone, I can ID 40 birds. That is more than a lot of people can boast. It is one step closer to knowing my beloved Earth. I consider this a great accomplishment.

I was so worried about it. In retrospect, I am not even sure why that was. I am always a very diligent person. When I put my heart and effort into something, I always get results. However, I still get this silly feeling now and then that my grades are a fluke; that I have just gotten lucky. It is ridiculous.

To make things even better, it is a truly beautiful day outside. I am definitely going to sit outside a read. Nothing is better after a day at work/school, then relaxing on the front porch of your house, enjoying a good novel, and possibly sipping on a cool drink. I used to think Spring was a ugly season. I am beginning to reconsider.

I still have three more exams/tests this week. I am confident that I will do well on those as well. Perhaps it will not be 100% but there is always the potential.

More than anything, I needed this. I was down last night. I was done most of the weekend. As a celebration of my 200th piece of poetry, I posted a “woe is me” piece. The weather was grumpy and so was I. I can admit to that. I agreed to take a job and then regretted it. I had this notion that I did not have enough time for it, that the hours and pay was not enough and that I would probably be no good at it. All of it combined made me miss my home, my friends and everything in Ancaster

However, today was a great day. I woke up late, shoved cereal down my gullet and then sped to school. I made it to class exactly on time – out of breath but smiling. Within the hour, the sun came out and filled my heart with gladness. I was laughing easy and wasn’t stressed out for once. Then I wrote the Bird ID test and that was like the whipping cream onto of my apple crumble day. It was amazing.

Just for all those people who feel like giving up – like I did before today – hold on because I know there are days like these for each and everyone. If you run, they will never be able to catch up with you. Hold tight and have faith.


- Jeffrey

I Would Gladly Bet My Life Upon It

"Is it that hard to be happy?"

I have been questioning my every movement recently. I do not know anymore if I have the courage to live a life that I half believe in. At times, I want to break down and cry. I want to question God on why he had to make me so indecisive. I want to scream, kick and wail.

I got very drunk on Friday. Ever since then, it feels like my life is a joke. I think I have kicked myself in a fatigue-induced depression (and I hate it!)

School being as intensive as it is, is not helping at all. I feel constantly behind and that is irksome for a self-proclaim overachiever. I am not sure if I enjoy learning as much as I love to know. The process is nauseating. I like it when I get that "A-ha" moment. I dislike the dirt I have to drag myself in before I can get there.

I know what it is - I am afraid to be caught "stupid". When everyone calls you smart, it sucks when you feel so idiotic. I know I am a bright lad but I am not sure of my other abilities. It all falls back to my self-doubt.

I hate when my problems seem so simple. It isn't very validating.

On the bright side, I am alive, relatively healthy and enjoying the good times. I have wonderful friends, great parents and a world of other creature comforts. I should be happy. I think I am but I am just giving myself a hard time.

Still...is it immature to want help?

The Third Attempt

I thought it would be a good idea to let you know that I am okay.

I know you said you could make no promises but I still thing you heart has something left to give.

Broken and hardly outspoken, I think you have what it takes to let me in.

I know that I do.

Seeing you like this tears me apart. I want it all to stop but I know you have a process to go through.

I wish only that I could help.

…

Another week and I can barely comprehend that it is the third. Time is going by so quickly. I think I am beginning to really enjoy it. If it was not for this stupid vegetation collection then I think I could really be swimming in joy. I know that is not the only thing holding me back but I feel like it is the main one.

The day is so beautiful I can hardly remain in my seat. I am having this flow of happiness. There is so much to do, and I am doing it, but I still feel grand.

Could this be euphoria? Am I manic?

Hopefully this is the beginning of something beautiful. I hate the feel of anxious legs and frantic thoughts. I think I am in the mood for being content.


- Jeffrey