June 2nd; It's Taken Me This Long To Learn

I want it to thunder out. The sky will wage noisy war with the atoms in the air. Roaring and imploding. The only evidence is a brief flash of light that quickly dissipates. I want the heavens to scream the frustration for me so my head doesn’t leak out silliness in the form of words. Let the stars rain down in the earth and will the oceans with fury. I need Nature to show some anger. I am not doing too well in this hot stickiness.

In my dim room, I am accompanied by Mishka, Kira and Amber. Pets are special. Their mammalian love makes me happy. They mean more to me than just a pleasant combination of bones, muscle and fur. They are my friends. The first ones I had were pets. They do not mock you, prod you and push you down. Then again, they don’t really challenge you at all.

I am having some troubles with allowing myself to just let go. Mistakes weigh heavily on me. Each one is like a 1 pound weight. Alone they are no problem at all. However, as one after the other piles on my shoulders, the stress builds. Everyone has a breaking point.

It is the silliest things that are upsetting me and I have no idea why I allow them to affect me so much. It is just a freaking driving lesson. It is not the end of the world. What should motivate me actually makes me feel even more pathetic. It tears pieces of me away. Perhaps I have to leave this perfectionism behind (uhh…duh!) but I like too much. It has kept me safe. I cling to that kind of security.

I have forgotten my faith in all of this. I need to venture back to it. It is important. It will give me the strength needed. Nothing else matters as long as I feel the gentle warmth in my heart. That is all that is really important.

All that remains is my only little wish that this is just another fleeting moment. “It’s time to put that happy face on again” the voice says. Lord knows, I am going to listen.


- Jeffrey

November 12th; All Mine - Always

Tonight I had a bit of an epiphany.

Under all these layers of disappointment and anxiety, the need to be loved and respected, and sorrow for the things that have occurred that can never be erased, Jeffrey Ethier is a compassionate kind young man.

I saw that I am not the giant f*** up I keep telling myself that I am. No one really cares if I don't have my drivers' license. People are not interested in if I haven't kissed a girl in all of my 21 years. I don't dance well but people don't judge me by that. I rather drink orange juice with only OJ in it, and that is all right!

Stuff happens and it pulls you down. I am freaking obsessed with getting good grade because I think it defines me. I grew up with a brother that I have always thought was on another plane of intelligence than I was. School is both my friend and my enemy. It is source of happiness, confusion, wonder, frustration and pain. It has a power to make me feel as light as air and to pull me deep into an abyss of suffering.

I sometimes hate that person I became. I had two chances at life and I messed up both times.

After a while, you just have to love yourself. In the end, all you have is your own opionion of who you are. If you hate that person, than that is a pretty sucky life. Therefore, in the spirit of self-preservation, you have to adore at least a part of your being. It is essential.

I have been to Hell and back. Not that I am bragging but it has changed my perspective. It showed me that I don't want to be dead. It revealed that happiness DOES come from within. I saw a glimpse of the good life and I am still chasing it.

I say this because I know some people are pretty mixed up right now. I just want to tell those lost souls that is all right not to know where you are going. I wish to encourage you to continue walking though. The only thing worse than going the wrong way and giving up the path entirely. I have been there. It is no fun.

Love yourself. Love each other. Take time to witness the beauty. Everything else falls in place eventually. Believe me.