October 28th; Things in General

WARNING: I just might be bipolar. This is a dump of emotions.

It is probably the fatigue talking but I am in that place again when I feel like I am trapped in a cycle that will lead to my doom.

It is only 10:00pm and I feel like a bag of poop. I want to stop thinking about all those scary things that I am afraid.

Why do they all have to be lumped together in that category of "Growing Up".

I have been driving again. I feels great. Still, I feel like a child behind the wheel. My mother says I am doing very well. I ponder whether she mean really well overall or really well for me.

School creeps into my head hourly. I am trying to enjoy my week off but homework is corrupting things. I want to hang with my friends and forget all this mess. I want to run so far away from my school responsibilities that I wake up in the a forest filled with happiness. It feels like heaven.

Just a few day before I left college, a professor reminded us that now is the time to look for jobs for the summer. I nearly cried.

I am so frigging high-strung. I can feel the tension building in my chest. My bones feel brittle. I have been sleeping 9 and a half hours on average. All I want to do all day is read and write. Do I have depression yet? No...

The strange thing is that I am unhappy. It is actually the very opposite. I cannot be happier and that makes things harder. I know eventually I will have to go back to college and return to that feeling of uncertainty. I am not uncomfortable there either. I enjoy my room mates and love the field I am studying.

The problem is, each day I go to school is another day closer to the real thing. I am slowly appraoch life and I am scared.

Once again, I am pleading for someone to hold me. I want some love and assurance that I will be okay. I give the middle finger to that voice that says I am too needy. I know I am.

How can I be so conflicted? I am happy but panicking. Excited but nervous.

I am a miracle. I love this. I continue to impress myself with my rapid range of emotions. Who else is amused?

October 23rd; "Daisy" Review

It had been a long hard week at school. I had ground through a total of eight exams and was looking forward to a week off of college. I had been especially saving Brand New's latest album Daisy as a reward for all my studying and hard work.

When I finally got around to it, I popped the disc into my dad's car. What came out baffled me. It was a hymn - later I would find out it was "On Life's Highway," a gospel hymn written by Bertrand Brown - which did not seem to fit in with Brand New. What followed was a hysteric sound of "Vice". The songs that followed were equally jarring. My immediate response was disappointment.

Upon second listening, it wasn't as bad. It took me for surprised. Still, I was not pleased. When you buy an album by a band - especially a band like Brand New which I have long adored - you are also buying a guarantee. I thought I was in for another mind blowing experience. What I got was something I assumed was a CD forced by fan-mail.

The next song on the CD is "Bed" which is more like their earlier material but probably would have sounded a lot better if it wasn't whispered.

"At The Bottom" is amazing and my spirits were picked up as soon as I heard it. It was like I was back in the days of Deja Entendu. It is the perfect pace. It invigorated me.

I guess I got my hopes up. "Gasoline" is a example of how I think good sounds lose a bit of quality due to a little too much screaming. Once again - upon hearing again - I think I judged it a bit harshly. I would still like to see it calmed down a bit.

Song #5 is "You Stole". This song begins very well - very well. It is mellow and sweet. It kind of get's lost in the instrumentals. I am not complaining but merely commenting. It is pretty good song.

Next is "Be Gone" which begins with a bit of a country sound and then proceeds to get f---ing weird. Like, what the hell is up with this song? The vocalizations are completely distorted. I have no idea what Jesse Lasey.

"Sink" was really cool. I didn't want to admit it to my father but I liked the song. I have this embarrassment around my parents whenever we listen to song with screaming in it. I know neither of my parents particularly like it. I think this is why I felt weird while in the car drive home listening to Lasey yell about "coming to get" me.

"Bought a Bride" is also a good song. It reminded me of song that I am forgetting from the The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me but I am forgetting the title.

The title track - "Daisy" - is sad. It made me want to cuddle a teddy bear and then rip it's head off. It basically just fades off. Then comes in a guitar riff that doesn't really fit. The song is not bad but it is a bit off kilter. The audio and instrument sound an eighth note off. It also ends abruptly.

"In a Jar" is just a weak song. There is nothing in particular that makes it not as good as other songs but I just did not happen to like it. I think the chorus should have been sung at least twice and THEN screamed. It gets my blood pumped though. I like that.

The album ends stronger with "Noro". By this, I mean that the last sound is a good one. The actual ending - a re-initiation of "One Life's Highway" - is kind of sappy but pulls it all together. I really like the bass and drums in this song. It reminds me why I fell in love with Brand New in the first place.

Overall, I have to give the album a 7 out of 10. It is a good listen but does not live up to expectations. Some songs appear to be just thrown together for the heck of it. I read on their site (and it is on Wikipedia as well) that Brand New has always wanted to put "strange things on the albums" and thought that they don't "do it as much as [they] would like to".

So there it is: Daisy by Brand New in less than 1,000 words.

Somewhere Out There

It is two days to freedom.
I no longer doubt my intelligence but rather doubt my ability.
It is not so much fun when I realized I am waiting for something that might never go away.

It is a Wednesday night. I am chatting with my friends. It makes me homesick but I enjoy it. After tomorrow and Friday, I will be home for a week. I am worried because I know how wonderful home can be.

Like everything good, comes a kill-joy. I hate to admit it, but it is once again school.

Then there is the blast from the past. I do not know what to say. I do not know what to do. I need some help with this and I know no one can give me the answer except myself.

Darn. I love life but this is tricky.

- Jeffrey

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I don't do this enough, so please allow me this moment of self-gratitude:

I am thankful for the following (in no real order):
2 kittens
2 dogs
2 gerbils
2 parents
2 grandparents
1 brother
Numerous friends
Health
Fleming College
3 house-mates
Autumn
Food
God
Books
Music
Blankets
Beds
Pens
Paper
Words
Trees
Wildlife
Clothing
Money
Success
Times of Happiness
Learning Experiences
The towns of Ancaster, Lindsay and Priceville
Air Conditioning
Living in the country of Canada
Freshwater
Electricity
Calculators
Dictionaries
Small shiny objects
Social Services
Hospitals
Doctors
Professors and Teachers
Stars
Sun
Moon
Clouds
Wind
Cameras
Paint and Brushes
My Imagination

There is so much more. I am so blessed. I love my life. There is so much that I cannot even begin to fathom the extent of how fortunate I am. I want to thank everyone in my life. Good or bad, you have made me who I am. I like that. I enjoy that each and every experience shapes me. I don't mind being plastic. It gives me hope.

God bless.

I Would Gladly Bet My Life Upon It

"Is it that hard to be happy?"

I have been questioning my every movement recently. I do not know anymore if I have the courage to live a life that I half believe in. At times, I want to break down and cry. I want to question God on why he had to make me so indecisive. I want to scream, kick and wail.

I got very drunk on Friday. Ever since then, it feels like my life is a joke. I think I have kicked myself in a fatigue-induced depression (and I hate it!)

School being as intensive as it is, is not helping at all. I feel constantly behind and that is irksome for a self-proclaim overachiever. I am not sure if I enjoy learning as much as I love to know. The process is nauseating. I like it when I get that "A-ha" moment. I dislike the dirt I have to drag myself in before I can get there.

I know what it is - I am afraid to be caught "stupid". When everyone calls you smart, it sucks when you feel so idiotic. I know I am a bright lad but I am not sure of my other abilities. It all falls back to my self-doubt.

I hate when my problems seem so simple. It isn't very validating.

On the bright side, I am alive, relatively healthy and enjoying the good times. I have wonderful friends, great parents and a world of other creature comforts. I should be happy. I think I am but I am just giving myself a hard time.

Still...is it immature to want help?

My Anti DietCoke-and-Mentos

I swear I was going to burst apart and scream until the sky turned black.

I was certain that I was going to give it all up, run out of class, and burn all my books.

I thought I was going to call my parent - crying - pleading to go home where everything made sense and I could actually breath.

On the bike ride back to my house, the wind even seemed against me. I exhaled loudly and pull my everything into pounding my legs as hard as they could go into the pedals. It felt like I barely made it. My heart raced and my hands shook like an addict.

I was going to throw myself indoors and than pout (at the very least) until it was a reasonable hour to pass out cold.

However - I was not given the pleasure.

I was intercepted by my roommate who changed my entire demeanor. Her smile is infectious. Her words were like velvet and had me entranced. How could I be angry with the Lord if He could make someone so kind as her?

Nothing she did was especially remarkable - we only exchanged a few frustrations - but the fact she talked to me brighten my entire outlook. I was then able to just sit down and pound through my anxiety and discover nothing was beyond my control. It was as if she gave me the power to do this.

I have to thank her - I have yet to do it. However, I am not sure if she would understand. Regardless, I am going to make the attempt.

For all those wonderful souls out there, continue to be outstanding. Who knows when an exhausted boy is going to need your optimism and compassion.

September 7th; A Day Like Any Other

I am two breaths away from starting another semester at college. My nerves are shot. I spent half of yesterday practicing breathing techniques and the other half smiling like an idiot for no reason at all.

My mother drove me to Lindsay. I am now living in the house with three other people. I found out that they are all graduates of Fish and Wildlife (the program I am currently taking) from a different college. They all seem close already.

The fact we obviously share an interest in wildlife should bring us together, right? How is it that we can having something so much in common and yet I still feel like an outcast? How can I still feel unwelcome when they have done nothing but be pleasant and cordial to me? Why do I cling to this loner lifestyle when all I want is to be happy and accepted?

A great many of people have said, "have you ever felt alone in a crowded room," but I remember it most from my favourite band Our Lady Peace. That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like everything I do singles me out. I don't talk right. I don't eat right. I don't do the things a normal 20-something does. I am weird and out-of-place.

I know this makes me seem down but that is not the truth. I am happy just also a tad nervous. I never know if I am doing the right thing. I have doubts that could break a hundred horses' backs. I don't know what to do with myself and it is like I am waiting for God to crack open the sky with the answer.

I feel all this and yet I know that this day is like any other. There is nothing really special about today but I feel like I am shouldering a ton of bricks. I am thinking about all the things I "should" or "could" be doing but none of them seem like they would help.

Maybe I need to talk about it. Maybe I need to socialize with my house-mates. Maybe I need to take a long walk and relax. Maybe I need to shut off my mind for a few hours and just content myself with killing some brain cells.

ARGH! I just want to lash out at myself. Why do I hate Jeffrey so?



- Jeffrey