"Is it that hard to be happy?"
I have been questioning my every movement recently. I do not know anymore if I have the courage to live a life that I half believe in. At times, I want to break down and cry. I want to question God on why he had to make me so indecisive. I want to scream, kick and wail.
I got very drunk on Friday. Ever since then, it feels like my life is a joke. I think I have kicked myself in a fatigue-induced depression (and I hate it!)
School being as intensive as it is, is not helping at all. I feel constantly behind and that is irksome for a self-proclaim overachiever. I am not sure if I enjoy learning as much as I love to know. The process is nauseating. I like it when I get that "A-ha" moment. I dislike the dirt I have to drag myself in before I can get there.
I know what it is - I am afraid to be caught "stupid". When everyone calls you smart, it sucks when you feel so idiotic. I know I am a bright lad but I am not sure of my other abilities. It all falls back to my self-doubt.
I hate when my problems seem so simple. It isn't very validating.
On the bright side, I am alive, relatively healthy and enjoying the good times. I have wonderful friends, great parents and a world of other creature comforts. I should be happy. I think I am but I am just giving myself a hard time.
Still...is it immature to want help?
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