October 28th; Things in General

WARNING: I just might be bipolar. This is a dump of emotions.

It is probably the fatigue talking but I am in that place again when I feel like I am trapped in a cycle that will lead to my doom.

It is only 10:00pm and I feel like a bag of poop. I want to stop thinking about all those scary things that I am afraid.

Why do they all have to be lumped together in that category of "Growing Up".

I have been driving again. I feels great. Still, I feel like a child behind the wheel. My mother says I am doing very well. I ponder whether she mean really well overall or really well for me.

School creeps into my head hourly. I am trying to enjoy my week off but homework is corrupting things. I want to hang with my friends and forget all this mess. I want to run so far away from my school responsibilities that I wake up in the a forest filled with happiness. It feels like heaven.

Just a few day before I left college, a professor reminded us that now is the time to look for jobs for the summer. I nearly cried.

I am so frigging high-strung. I can feel the tension building in my chest. My bones feel brittle. I have been sleeping 9 and a half hours on average. All I want to do all day is read and write. Do I have depression yet? No...

The strange thing is that I am unhappy. It is actually the very opposite. I cannot be happier and that makes things harder. I know eventually I will have to go back to college and return to that feeling of uncertainty. I am not uncomfortable there either. I enjoy my room mates and love the field I am studying.

The problem is, each day I go to school is another day closer to the real thing. I am slowly appraoch life and I am scared.

Once again, I am pleading for someone to hold me. I want some love and assurance that I will be okay. I give the middle finger to that voice that says I am too needy. I know I am.

How can I be so conflicted? I am happy but panicking. Excited but nervous.

I am a miracle. I love this. I continue to impress myself with my rapid range of emotions. Who else is amused?