June 7th; My Eyes! They Do Nothing!

After many years of simply stating that I am “colour blind” I now have a more definite diagnosis.

I am what the optometrists like to call a “strong deutan”. Allow me to explain.

With someone like me who has deuteranopia or red-green colour blindness, the medium wavelength sensitive cones (green) are missing all together. A deuteranope can only distinguish 2 to 3 different hues, whereas somebody with normal vision sees 7 different hues. It is not only red and green that I have trouble with but also greys, purples, and greenish-blues. Basically, I have a tough time differentiating between hues that are close together and also “blend” colours within the red to green spectrum (approximately 700 to 500 nanometres).

I always wondered why I am having the “No, it is blue” argument when people insist it is purple or green. Also, I honestly have trouble picking out a stop sign when it is surrounded in green foliage. Obviously I do not mean it is covered by leaves but rather the backdrop of the stop sign is leaves.

One more hurdle in my identification skills but I am still technically the best in my program. I wonder how that happened. Perhaps I study too much. That Purple Finch versus a House Finch is killer (colour wise) but they do look structurally different. I will just have to rely on shape rather than colour.

Needless to say, I went for an eye exam today. In amongst that I also ran some chores and marveled in how lovely it is to have something to do. I mean, relaxing is all good in theory but after a while it can get tedious. This frustrating job search has made me realize that perhaps I should just find a good volunteer position to keep my mind and hands busy. I might go a little batty without something to do.

Wish me luck, mes amies.

- Jeffrey

June 2nd; It's Taken Me This Long To Learn

I want it to thunder out. The sky will wage noisy war with the atoms in the air. Roaring and imploding. The only evidence is a brief flash of light that quickly dissipates. I want the heavens to scream the frustration for me so my head doesn’t leak out silliness in the form of words. Let the stars rain down in the earth and will the oceans with fury. I need Nature to show some anger. I am not doing too well in this hot stickiness.

In my dim room, I am accompanied by Mishka, Kira and Amber. Pets are special. Their mammalian love makes me happy. They mean more to me than just a pleasant combination of bones, muscle and fur. They are my friends. The first ones I had were pets. They do not mock you, prod you and push you down. Then again, they don’t really challenge you at all.

I am having some troubles with allowing myself to just let go. Mistakes weigh heavily on me. Each one is like a 1 pound weight. Alone they are no problem at all. However, as one after the other piles on my shoulders, the stress builds. Everyone has a breaking point.

It is the silliest things that are upsetting me and I have no idea why I allow them to affect me so much. It is just a freaking driving lesson. It is not the end of the world. What should motivate me actually makes me feel even more pathetic. It tears pieces of me away. Perhaps I have to leave this perfectionism behind (uhh…duh!) but I like too much. It has kept me safe. I cling to that kind of security.

I have forgotten my faith in all of this. I need to venture back to it. It is important. It will give me the strength needed. Nothing else matters as long as I feel the gentle warmth in my heart. That is all that is really important.

All that remains is my only little wish that this is just another fleeting moment. “It’s time to put that happy face on again” the voice says. Lord knows, I am going to listen.


- Jeffrey

May 31st; Adventures and Road Rage

The last three days have filled my head with almost too much to handle. However, this is a good thing.

I would say the good feelings began the moment she texted me that she was coming home. Arrangements made, I arrived at Bronwen’s house at noon on Saturday. Almost immediately we were in the pool and swimming (after a bite of lunch with Donella and Bronwen). I am not a fan of chlorine so I was overjoyed when I realized it was salt water. If you have never swum in a salt water pool, you must try.

I got the pleasure to mingle with Bronwen’s friends and family. This included Shiva (the cat) and Jackson (the dog) which I can admit was one of the highlights. I just really love animals.

I ended up staying over so I could prolong the enjoyment. Good choice. Shiva visited me as I was drifting off. There are few things better than slipping into lala-land than during the gentle massage of a cat purring on your belly. Plus, the morning and afternoon that followed was pretty awesome as well.

It felt a pretty bittersweet leaving. I like home life but a little taste of something different was fun. A lot of fun.

Today was a first – an in-car driving lesson. I got to drive around with Wray – the crazy Jamaican – which was excellent. I think I did well. Apparently there is this thing called a parking brake. A bunch of people use it. I never knew. Other than that, it was great. As the lesson went on, I grew more and more confidence. A wise little birdie told me that confidence is important.

The days that follow are looking good. I pumped out a bunch of applications and resumes. Soon I will have a G2 and more freedom. Paradise awaits.

- Jeffrey

May 26th; Making Connections

Through the hot, humid days,
Through the unexpected surprises,
Through the drinks and drunken conversations,
I have found something that just might be peace.

Plus, how can I not be happy when I have kittens. They have really brightened the last few days. They remind me to stay perky and positive.

Forget about my shortcoming and all the “should haves" my life, I am content. I do not need to dwell on those things. I once thought it was a good thing to be always looking for a way to improve myself. Now I know that sort of ambition can tear me apart. Acceptance is something I need to – well – to accept. It is all right to be happy with just being the person you are.

I went drinking last night. The experience was amazing. I love catching up with old friends. I am beginning to understand what this whole “partying” mentality is about. No, I will not be staying up until the wee hours of the night everyday but now and then I think it is good for the soul.

I have the opportunity to really think about things and the experiences I am having. Perhaps it is not great to be so introspective but it does allow me to make connections between things. Some say I should get a hobby but I rather enjoy just staring in the expanse and thinking.

I am writing. I have this really cool idea for a story. I think I will have to storyboard it first and then write the “meat” of the story. This idea for novel has been brewing for almost 10 years now. That’s a heck of a long time. Part of me just wants to get it out, you know? It is a fantasy and any one reads that genre knows how out of hand stories can get in that realm.

Oh well, I guess that is for now. I am sure to write again soon.


- Jeffrey

May 23rd; Up-North Thoughts

I do not know how to express this other than to say that I think I could live at the cottage forever. I would say that I cannot even begin to understand what I was missing at home but I do know why. I would miss the people – my friends, my brother and Katherine, the people that I see when I take the bus or walk to streets. However, I digress…

I think I could sleep in the moss. It is so peaceful here. Probably the only annoyance is a battle between the fact that I cannot classify every organism that I come into contact with and the uncertainly of what to do next. Part of me just wants to read the day away. Another part wants to explore the woods and all the inhabitants thereof. Yet another part wants to just sit, sip on something cool, and watch as the breeze dances with the trees. My days would be a combination of both. I would be happy.

Driving into town with my father was a joy. Sometimes I miss how good he is to me. Today I noted it well. The man loves me – hands down and no lie. I have always been closer to my mother and I feel slightly ashamed by that. Dad is great but I never seem able to talk to him on a real deep level. Is it a sin to use your parents? Is it unholy to go to your father with your silly passions and your mother with your serious insecurities? I hope on a hope that it isn’t so. If it is, I am nearly six feet under and feeling toasty.

The vegetation collection goes well. As I figure it, I have 10-12% of my project done. In time more will be accomplished. I can taste the sweet triumph of completion. All I have to do now is grind the gears and slowly get the thing done. I feel good. This third year of Fish and Wildlife is feeling more and more possible each day.

I shall leave you here, for I think the other things on my mind need to brew. I want to write poetry but I think it will come out all too “teen romance”. I want to stay creditable and write quality stuff. Perhaps the answer is to just write it out anyways. Bottling it in like this will only allow it to fester and age; becoming all that more potent.

With God, all things are possible. Grant me the strength. I still believe.

- Jeffrey

May 14th; Small Discoveries

“This time…it was different.”

The empty hours have given me time to think. The ones filled with friends and activity has given me content for those thoughts.

I realized while I was sitting opposite of Matt, watching the 1998 adaption of Les Misérables, that I am a slightly different person with each of my friends. I wondered briefly if this was typical of other people. I assumed it was but I wasn't sure that was something to proud of.

Is it all that uncommon to shape oneself to better suit the people you are with? Does that make me two-faced and a liar?

What really got under my skin was the fact that I am not being true to myself when I adapt to the situation and to the people whom I am with. However, it then dawned on me that this was something that many people probably aspire to obtain. Quite naturally, I am able to slip into a bit of a persona while still maintaining the essential parts that make me Jeffrey. It is not an undesirable feature but rather something that allows me to connect with people on a much larger scale.

It is funny how frequently I question my motives and the characteristic that make me who I am. It would seem that the natural “default” is for me to assume they are unattractive qualities. Time and some third-person perspective allow me to see that in most circumstances this is quite untrue.

I am a friendly person and a nice guy. I am able to meet people’s needs and get along with a variety of temperaments. These are all positive attributes but it will take some affirmations for me to be convinced.

Wish me luck? I guess that is what I want. Prayer is also a safe better (which reminds me that I haven’t been to church in a while).

Toodles…


- Jeffrey

May 11th; The Lounging Figure on My Bed

So what is up with me? I will tell you what you what is up – a bunch!

Friday-Saturday-Sunday was a three day combo-smash in my face. I actually enjoyed it. The funny thing is that it was pretty intense. I went through a huge range of emotions. I was shocked that I was able to go through that kind of thing and not explode.

Perhaps I am playing it up too much. Allow me to explain.

On Friday, I took the GO Bus to Toronto where I met up with the fabulous Bronwen. We decided together that first things first – we needed to do lunch. Her father took us out to a nice Thai place called "Spring Rolls" where the food was excellent. I felt a little guilty that he paid for all of it but I let it go. There is no use in dwelling on something like that.

After the meal, Bronwen and I went to The World’s Biggest Book Store where we got NO books at all (sacrilege!) I suggested a bunch of stuff but nothing caught either of our eyes. By the time we exited the book store, it was raining. We ran across the street to HMV where I picked up a CD for my good buddy (that’s you, Kyle). With the CD purchased, it was nearing the time we needed to head back to the train station so we could meet up with her father. We figured we would just grab a coffee and wait. That did not quite happen. We were told some directions to take by her father but – alas – we suck and got lost. And so began the adventure in the rain!

Thankfully we got to the train in time, had some time to dry off, breifly went back to her place, and then proceeded to go another restaurant for dinner. Once again, it was delicious. I had the opportunity to meet her friends and I get to know her family a bit more. Afterward, we all when we back to Bronwen's house and chatted over coffee. I can honestly say, Bronwen's family is great.

The entire experience was wonderful. I got home at around 11:15pm and couldn’t sleep for several hours. I was just so happy. I filled that time just silently smiling to myself. This was slightly unfortunate since I had in-class driving school at 9:00am the next morning. Even though I was down some sleep, it was pretty good. The instructor is Jamaican and called the Philippino a “China-man” and some of the classmate are hilarious. How could one not have fun? Sunday was basically rinse-wash-repeat of Saturday.

I have been driving a lot - getting that experience behind the wheel - which is great. I love the independence and the confidence that I am building. The autonomy that I will have once I have a G2 will not only be freeing but will make me feel better about myself. I cannot wait to get it. It will be a good thing for me and my personal development. However, I guess I will have to get a vehicle and insurance…blah blah blah! We’ll tackle that when we get to it.

Things are pretty good. I am happy for the most part. There are a few wrinkles to iron out but those will be attended to in time. There is nothing to fret about.