March 14; Insanity Returned

I probably should not feel so happy that the landlords are gone but I do. It is not that they are bad people – they are kind enough – but it does take a lot out of me when I am so paranoid about them. I fear I will do something wrong. I fear that they will think less of me. Most of all, I fear that I will be kicked out.

I am glad that I have a house with some pretty awesome people I don’t want that taken away.

I have been thinking a lot about who I am and what I stand for. I am kind of lost in around who that person is. I think I know but then I lose it. It is the most frustration thing I have dealt with in a long while. A lot more complicated than the silly school worries that I am used to.

One thing is for sure, and that is that I miss the person I felt I was once upon a time. Somewhere, I lost who that person was. I have written extensively about who I think I am becoming. I am not sure I like that person. I strive to be the best I can be in everything that I do. However, that is not always possible. I do sometimes fail and that tears me apart.

When the landlady mentioned that I have changed, it really bothered me. I could tell by her tone what she did not think it was for the good. I wanted to ask her what she meant by it. I wanted to know what I had done wrong. The fact that such a little comment can still have that much power over me is disconcerting.

In good news, I think I have a grasp on my 280 bird species. I get a little mixed up with the warblers and sparrow but otherwise I have been blazing through that PPT like a wildfire. It feels good to know what I am looking at when I walk out my front door. The only thing left to do is to master their calls. That will probably be a lifelong thing. Not everything is so easily acquired.

Probably the best thing all week has been that I have finally found my words again. I can write and I believe to be writing some quality stuff. This garble that I write down from time to time is my form of expression. Without, I do not know what I would do with myself. The week or so without it was bad enough. I would not like to see me after a prolonged bout.

I think that is all for now. My time is limited on this library computer that I report from. Wish me luck in my endeavours. I will be praying to you.

- Jeffrey