April 29th; Something to Embrace

It is a quarter to midnight – not my usual time to be up and writing – but I feel I have something important to state.

All my faults, all my short-comings and all my painful memories are NOT the things that define who I am. They are a part of me but they are not entirely me.

It took some harsh realities, a phone call I wish I didn’t have to make and even a little relapse into teenage-hood but I have come out wiser. Denying my many talents and pure determination to just “be” will accomplish nothing.

Therefore, I have decided something. Starting today, there will be no more faking, no more self-deceit and no more crippling doubt. The last one is going to be hard but I am committed to make it happen. This means facing some of my intense fears but I think – at almost 22 – I can finally do that.

I have been putting off the important things. I pretend like it is a “choice” but my lack of drivers’ licence is something I have struggled with since I was 18. Four years may not seem like a long time, but it has been pretty torturous. It is hard, but I am getting in the car, behind the wheel, and putting in the practice. I have booked drivers’ ed and seeking information related to my G2. Whether I ‘like’ it for not, I am getting that damn thing. It is crippling my opportunities and I will not stand for it any longer.

A few days ago I realized that I am a jumbled piece of redundancies but I have made sense of the majority of it. I like doing things and I like doing them well. When I am not near perfect at something, I get discouraged. I also like doing one thing at a time. Sure, I can multitask but if it is something I really would rather avoid, I must tackle it head on (case and point, my licence). Looking for a job and then losing it because I had no legal ability to drive reminded me of that. I need to work on the things I still need before I can wrestle in my dreams.

This all might sound a bit bleak but it is encouraging for me. It fills me with hope. I find myself thanking God a lot more. I believe that is because I am finally discovering exactly who this Jeffrey person is. That feels good.

I could say more, but that should be sufficient to display where I am at for the moment. Hopefully, this will give me the courage and the understanding to continue on this positive path. God willing, and with the support of my family, friends and pets, I will come out of this victorious.


- Jeffrey

April 21st; Careless - The Good Kind

Hell – I do not care. I have nothing to hide

I am feeling really good right now. I am sort of worried about Natural Resource Law exam. I am kind of concerned about next year in third year. Everyone makes it seem like torture. I am a bit preoccupied with this silly collection I have to do this summer. I am a tad upset the girl I like doesn’t get that I like her. Some parts of me are second guessing working at Humane Wildlife Control (you know, that job that I technically do not have yet).

However – like I said – I feeling really good right now.

I am one freaking exam away from coming home to Amber, Kira, Huck, Finn, Mishka, Winter and the fish too. I am one day away from returning to my family and friends. I am a couple sleeps away from reuniting with my home town. I could not be more pleased.

I am writing awesome words (I like them) which makes me really happy. I am getting those bottled emotions out. It is like my own personal drug. It is amazing. I can feel it rejuvenating my body. It has to be healthy!

I am also pretty worn out but it is that good kind of burn. It’s a dull pain that you know is worth it in the end. In that respect, it feels good. I know relief so within my reach.

I just thought I would share that


- Jeffrey

April 18; Just Another Day in Paradizzle

I am not sure what to say…LIES!

Recent days have, once again, been very good to me. Instead of doing my usual intensive studying, I have been taking some time to enjoy myself. This sounds a bit weird, but it has been a bit uncomfortable. I am having some genuine fun, but it feels a bit out of character for me (a.k.a. wrong).

Thursday, the fly-fishing club had a black crappie cook off (the fish were caught off a fly). I had two pints, biked home and then drank some more beer. It was pretty ridiculously good fun. I had some pretty good conversations that day. There was a twinge of guilt but I was able to push it down.

Saturday, I ended up going to Whitby with my friend Bronwen and saw the always enjoyable Alice in Wonderland. It was a pretty cool movie – not what I was expecting but it was quite good. Following that we went out for some Thai, drove back to Lindsay and talked the night almost away.

As for today – I have been doing a lot of thinking and studying. I have been wrestling with whether I should change programs for some time. Third year of Fish and Wildlife promises to be a challenge. I would be lying if I said I that I would not mind having to “kick back” in school. Fish and Wildlife has been busy enough. I do not necessarily need another turning up of the pace.

However – I decided today to stick with Fish and Wildlife. It is going to be a lot of work but I am ready for it. I have the work ethic. I have the dedication. I have the intelligence. Everything else will fall in place. This is going to be good for me and – most likely – a lot of fun as well.

If I can retain my sanity for just a week more, I will be home free. The next four months will be dedicated to friend, family, pets and a job. Somewhere I will fit in collecting some plants. Possibly I can incorporate some of the previous mentioned categories to assist me. Hunting for vegetation can be fun if you know how to make it less about getting plants and more getting you waders full of water and pretending to be the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Take care.


- Jeffrey

April 15th; Measured Milestones

It hard to believe but I am a week away from being done all of my second year Fish and Wildlife courses. Technically, I could graduate. However, I have other plans…

This is how things are looking:

Monday April 19: Limnology II exam and Environmental Issues final test.

Wednesday April 21: Animal Pathology final test and Wildlife Diseases exam.

Thursday April 22: Natural Resource Law exam.

In a way, I am surprised I am as relaxed as I currently am. On the other hand, there really isn’t much to freak out about. In all cases, I know my stuff and I just have to refresh my memory on a few elements. I am confident that I will do all right.

This summer it looks like I will be working at Humane Wildlife Control. I have some concerns if my body is physically up to the challenge but I have been reassured that my dedication and determination will more than make up for some of my short-comings in that area (Thanks, Kyle).

The hard work factor aside, I am pretty freaking excited for that possibility. It is exactly the kind of thing I want to be doing right now. I want to build my understanding of how humans and animals interact. I want firsthand experience with settling those issues. Most of all, I want to be in a position where I can relate to the public and have the feeling that I am helping society.

I may be a weakling now but hopefully I will be jacked by the end of the summer if I do get this job.

Besides the school and work environment – which I tend to spend too much time dwelling upon – I am really pumped to come back home. I miss my friends like I miss being able to eat ice cream without abdominal pain and diarrhea. That is pretty intense. I have a few things lined up but I hope to plan some more. I realized through this semester that I really do not give much recognition to how important my friends are to me. By all right, they should have my full attention.

Finally – I am a bit disappointed that my landlords have not gotten back to my friends who wish to live with me next year. I really do not understand how they could be willy-nilly with the prospect of four guaranteed cheques of 4 month’s rent. That is something like 7500 dollars that they are potentially turning their nose up to.

Perhaps there is something complicating issues. Maybe there are other people are looking to rent (it is an amazingly beautiful house). However – these three girls are cut from quality cloth. They won’t be messing up the house like other people in college would. The four of us are serious students. That is nothing to turn a blind eye to.

Anyways…this is getting long.

Hope all is well in the world. It certainly is looking positive from where I am standing.


- Jeffrey

April 10th; Hope Restored

I am so freaking happy right now.

I decided to go to the Fleming College open house and that turned out to be a fabulous choice. First of all, I love sharing my experience with people (especially potential Fish and Wildlife students). Second, it is always good to do two things at once so while I was gaining volunteer “brownie” points I was also working on my opossum hide.

After that was all said and done (9:30am to 2:15pm) I headed to the BioCommons to study my aquatic invertebrates. My classmate Lisa was also there and we got to talking. Apparently she was looking for a house to live in next year. Guess who has some vacancies at the house he is living in.

So Lisa and Megan popped by the house and basically fell in love with it. I was so happy when the words “I would love to live here” came out of their mouths.

There is some competition for the house but hopefully we can get what we want: Jeffrey, Megan, Lisa and Emma (Lisa’s current roommate) to live at 43 Bond St. The young women that was also looking at the house seemed nice enough and I would not mind her living her as well but if it interferes with my friends getting in, then I might be vicious.

As a pit of pre-celebration, Beth (another friend) came to see the house and then Beth, Lisa and Megan and I went to Peterborough for some sushi. Never really had it before – absolutely love it now. I will definitely going to have to go out for sushi again. The raymen noodles that I ordered were pretty darn tasty as well.

So few times I have truly good news like this. I feel like I am on cloud nine. If only, my wishes came true. I would be a very happy Jeffrey come September time. It would effectively wipe away my school concerns. I can feel it now…

Ah! I love this feeling!


- Jeffrey

April 8th; School of the Fin and Fang

It is kind of strange how one little comment can change your entire mood.

I was sitting in Animal Pathology class when my friend turned to me to ask what I was doing this weekend. We swapped plans and somehow got on the topic of next years. She asked me if I intended to come back for the third year of Fish and Wildlife. I said I did. Then she mentioned the aquatic vegetation collection.

I pretty much just denied it until the end of the lecture. The class happened to end 15 minutes before the next lecture so I popped over to the Wildlife lab to speak to John. Apparently there is another vegetation collection…and it is 100 species this time - 100 aquatic species.

It was hard enough to collect 80 species when it was common stuff that you find all around the place. This time it is all aquatic. This prompted me to look up what the courses are for next year.

Big Game and Fur Management I
Environmental Analysis
Fall Field Camp
Field Placement
Limnology III
Sport and Commercial Fisheries
Waterfowl Management

Applied GIS
Big Game and Fur Management II
Environmental Monitoring
Environmental Sampling and Analysis
Field Placement
Fisheries and Wildlife Research Project
Integrated Habitat Assessment
Winter Field Camp

It sounds pretty freaking cool. I am not AS excited for the Fisheries stuff but that is only one class. I have been struggling with my study skin so the Big Game and Fur Management is kind of intimidating. However, I do really enjoy a challenge.

I am just so worried about things. I want to stop thinking about school 24/7. I want to actually enjoy the summer this year rather than just “tolerate” like I did last year. I wonder if this is the right thing for me. I wonder if I am just doing this because it “seemed like fun”. It is crazy.

For the time being, I will sit with it. I am a tough cookie. I can deal with it.

Still – I feel like I need a little extra something to help me along. Pray for me?


- Jeffrey

April 6th; Days to the Brim

It has been an interesting couple of days:

I have been through hell and back, so to speak. Although it was just a infection it was pretty serious. It was literally a matter of life and limb. If it got into the heart...whatever.

I went to the cottage for some R&R and realized that I belong with nature. It makes me feel good. The air is breathable. The smells are palatable. The sights are worthy of going blind over.

Today was an experience: I performed a mammal necropsy on a muskrat, I filled out an accident report, studied aquatic invertebrates, ate Manwich (yum), I got a drive home from my pathology professor, biked to Canadian Tire to get a lunch box, started to make a sandwich and realized that the bread had poppy seeds in them (allergic) and then flopped down on my bed when I noticed that I hadn't purchased some salt for my opossum hide.

Life has been full lately. Very, very full. Once again I feel that tug to go back to the basics. I am very much looking forward to a summer of free-living. It would be nice to work.

I am going to go before my head explodes.

Love


- Jeffrey

April 2nd; I Have Felt Them All

Complete apathy --> Misery --> Fatigue --> Illness --> Confounding thoughts --> Guilt --> Relief --> Numbness.

These past few days I have felt them all.

I am in that place where I do not know what to do with myself. Recently I have been doing the silly thing of analyzing my relationships with people. I have made some conclusions which the results are less than satisfactory.

It all boils down to this: I need to make more time for my friends.

This summer is about three things:
a) Finding a job
b) Getting my G2
c) Being with my friends

Nothing must get in my way of accomplishing those things. There are some pretty amazing people in my life that deserve more attention. As well, I can admit, I miss them all so dearly. I feel like I am shooting myself in the foot if I let them slip away. They are my life-force. I need them to be happy.

Therefore, beware of Jeffrey. In the days to come he will be requesting to see you and then spend some time with you.

I hope you are all adequately prepared.


- Jeffrey