March 17th; Decisions, Decision, Decisions...

I am having some difficulty deciding – am I am helpful fellow or am I a smart-ass?

Here are the facts in the issue:
1. Whenever someone is studying something out loud, I am extremely tempted to get involved.
2. I like sharing my opinion.
3. I learn through trial and error.
4. When possible, I will ask others about what they think the answer is and gauge it with my own.
5. I study a good three hours a day.
6. I had my little way; I would eat peaches every day.

The honest truth is that I do not intend for it to be malicious. People have learned that I am well-informed and usually have the correct answer. I enjoy the attention and the respect. Is it really wrong for me to feel good about that?

I have been taught from a young age that it is good to share your talents. I feel there is not much more to share than my dedication to my program. I am a pretty boring guy aside from my scholastic capabilities. Therefore, I share my wisdom and experience to anyone who asks of it. Through that I have built a reputation that I adore. People know my name and that feels great.

There are some down sides to this. There is an awful large amount of pressure to stay on top of my course material. This alone makes me rather anxious. I feel almost as if I lose my smarts, no one will care about me. There is a push to be perfect; one which I may or may not be able to upkeep.

Part of me does not want to care THIS much about school and my grades. I am happy-go-lucky guy by nature. I care more about relationships (social interaction) than I do about how well I do in school. However, with that said, there is still that self-requirement for me to achieve high marks. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to ignore people to keep these standards at the level I has thus far held them at. It is this key element that causes the most conflict in my days.

Although, I think I got it down. I have decided I am a nice guy that likes to help. Sometimes I come on too heavy and stick my nose in business that I do not belong in but it is based in good intentions. I am not perfect but I want to be. I realize that is an unachievable goal. I also know that school is temporary and people have the potential to be forever (they are certainly a lot more long lived than test marks).

Love each other!


- Jeffrey

March 16th; First Canada Wins Gold and Then This?!

It is amazing how much a little number can make you feel. I did not think it would affect me this much. It’s kind of scary.

In no way am I an expert birder but I am proud to say that I got 100% on my Bird Identification test in my Wildlife course. The teacher even picked it out of the pile to use it as a marking sheet. I guess he had confidence in me.

Based on this test alone, I can ID 40 birds. That is more than a lot of people can boast. It is one step closer to knowing my beloved Earth. I consider this a great accomplishment.

I was so worried about it. In retrospect, I am not even sure why that was. I am always a very diligent person. When I put my heart and effort into something, I always get results. However, I still get this silly feeling now and then that my grades are a fluke; that I have just gotten lucky. It is ridiculous.

To make things even better, it is a truly beautiful day outside. I am definitely going to sit outside a read. Nothing is better after a day at work/school, then relaxing on the front porch of your house, enjoying a good novel, and possibly sipping on a cool drink. I used to think Spring was a ugly season. I am beginning to reconsider.

I still have three more exams/tests this week. I am confident that I will do well on those as well. Perhaps it will not be 100% but there is always the potential.

More than anything, I needed this. I was down last night. I was done most of the weekend. As a celebration of my 200th piece of poetry, I posted a “woe is me” piece. The weather was grumpy and so was I. I can admit to that. I agreed to take a job and then regretted it. I had this notion that I did not have enough time for it, that the hours and pay was not enough and that I would probably be no good at it. All of it combined made me miss my home, my friends and everything in Ancaster

However, today was a great day. I woke up late, shoved cereal down my gullet and then sped to school. I made it to class exactly on time – out of breath but smiling. Within the hour, the sun came out and filled my heart with gladness. I was laughing easy and wasn’t stressed out for once. Then I wrote the Bird ID test and that was like the whipping cream onto of my apple crumble day. It was amazing.

Just for all those people who feel like giving up – like I did before today – hold on because I know there are days like these for each and everyone. If you run, they will never be able to catch up with you. Hold tight and have faith.


- Jeffrey

March 14; Insanity Returned

I probably should not feel so happy that the landlords are gone but I do. It is not that they are bad people – they are kind enough – but it does take a lot out of me when I am so paranoid about them. I fear I will do something wrong. I fear that they will think less of me. Most of all, I fear that I will be kicked out.

I am glad that I have a house with some pretty awesome people I don’t want that taken away.

I have been thinking a lot about who I am and what I stand for. I am kind of lost in around who that person is. I think I know but then I lose it. It is the most frustration thing I have dealt with in a long while. A lot more complicated than the silly school worries that I am used to.

One thing is for sure, and that is that I miss the person I felt I was once upon a time. Somewhere, I lost who that person was. I have written extensively about who I think I am becoming. I am not sure I like that person. I strive to be the best I can be in everything that I do. However, that is not always possible. I do sometimes fail and that tears me apart.

When the landlady mentioned that I have changed, it really bothered me. I could tell by her tone what she did not think it was for the good. I wanted to ask her what she meant by it. I wanted to know what I had done wrong. The fact that such a little comment can still have that much power over me is disconcerting.

In good news, I think I have a grasp on my 280 bird species. I get a little mixed up with the warblers and sparrow but otherwise I have been blazing through that PPT like a wildfire. It feels good to know what I am looking at when I walk out my front door. The only thing left to do is to master their calls. That will probably be a lifelong thing. Not everything is so easily acquired.

Probably the best thing all week has been that I have finally found my words again. I can write and I believe to be writing some quality stuff. This garble that I write down from time to time is my form of expression. Without, I do not know what I would do with myself. The week or so without it was bad enough. I would not like to see me after a prolonged bout.

I think that is all for now. My time is limited on this library computer that I report from. Wish me luck in my endeavours. I will be praying to you.

- Jeffrey

March 13th; Bond Street Tyrants

It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting in Fleming College typing this baby up. It is raining and my motivation to bike back to the house in meagre at best.

I am a few days early for posting a journal but I feel as if I have rather important to things to be discussing (aka I have something to say and want at least someone to share it with).

I have been living in this grand, old house in Lindsay, Ontario for over a year now. The location is great and the house is spacious. Last September I was introduced to three great people, two of which still live with me know. They have become fantastic friends and I hope to remain in contact them even after our college days are over. All in all, I am happy there and consider it like a section home.

However, there is a problem. It is my landlords. Well…the landlady.

I feel as if I need someone to support that these people are not positive spectrum of crazy. Here are some items as evidence.

(a) The woman loves the smell of stripe skunk spray.

(b) She once said, after complimenting me and displayed modesty, “You know I am not putting you on a pedestal. Your brain failed to synapse a few times this year. You were part of the couch incident” (which, in truth, I was not).

(c) She openly taunts and torments her six year old daughter and calls her retarded.

(d) She fanatically cleans the house, noting that we the housemates have “attempted” to clean, and mentions her disgust of us; thus undermining our efforts.

There are more examples but my purpose is to say that I am considering moving because of just how awkward and demeaning she can be to my housemates, her family and me. Additionally, I kind of have been offered a room at a house that is closer to the college, cheaper and where the landlords do not come every three weeks to make me feel unclean and anxious. I am usually not this critical. Something is wrong with me...

Maybe it is the fact I have four tests next week. Perhaps it has to do with how tired I am from standing for 5 hours in order to skin a Virginia Opossum (Didelphis virginiana) and not even getting half way done. It could even be that I am pissy that the landlady says that I have changed my personality for the worse. Whatever the reason, I do not like how stirred up I get when she is around. I don’t like that I am feeling afraid to go back to that house.

January 16th; I Threw Up Feelings Today.

I am angry because no one appreciate or understand my thoughts.
I guess I need therapy.

I am sad because the closest I can get to someone is to be an 'acquaintance".
I guess I am too selfish.

...

I am in a pretty good place in my life but I must admit that I am frustrated. I get these great marks and all my professors this week basically told me that those numbers are meaningless. The one teacher - of Human Relations - says it is all about how I treat and behave around people. Another teacher - of Wildlife - requires that I know hundreds of birds, mammals, trees, shrubs and vegetation. The rest seem to believe it is all about field experience.

The good news? I am a very motivated person. I will get everything done. I consider myself a pretty great team player. I have some possibilities lined up for work this summer. I am pretty keen on my identification skills.

The bad news? It is week one and I already feel that tension slipping in. I thought I had gotten rid of that over the break. I guess not.

Other stupid little things are bothering me. I won't go into those. I have had enough with complaining. I thought this would be a safe place to purge myself of negativity. I do not think many people look at this (nix that - I KNOW!)

That said, I would like the thank the following people. Lately, you have been so good to me.

Amy, Sara, Kyle, Matt, Andy, Emily, Karen, Jason, Michael, Mother, Father and Grandma.

Oh - and a huge thanks to God. 21+ years and I am still alive. It is all you, Big Guy.


- Jeffrey

December 11th; This Day in Chaos.

This is to the people who know what it feels like to be alone in that crowded room called planet Earth:

I have never been so worried (once again - for the millionth time).
I want to say that I am happy.
I miss my friends, family and pets.

The Christmas break is coming up and I think I know what I will do with it - absolutely everything that I can.

Too many times I have used the periods between semesters as 'breaks' - essentially time to do nothing but hang around the house because I can. This time I am going to do things differently. I am going to exhaust myself with experiences. I am going to fill both my days and nights with activity. I am not going to shun my friends. I am not going to avoid things that make me think. I am going to embrace it all. I want more to fill this void of feeling like less.

It has been roughly a year of college and I am beginning to tire of it. I like the day to day busyness but my brain is hurting. I have felt so nervous for so long that I cannot wait for the opportunity to work. Sometimes being a good student loses it's twinkle.

That time is now.

Wish me luck in this time of stress and contemplation. I fear I might need it (but probably not :P).


- Jeffrey

November 12th; All Mine - Always

Tonight I had a bit of an epiphany.

Under all these layers of disappointment and anxiety, the need to be loved and respected, and sorrow for the things that have occurred that can never be erased, Jeffrey Ethier is a compassionate kind young man.

I saw that I am not the giant f*** up I keep telling myself that I am. No one really cares if I don't have my drivers' license. People are not interested in if I haven't kissed a girl in all of my 21 years. I don't dance well but people don't judge me by that. I rather drink orange juice with only OJ in it, and that is all right!

Stuff happens and it pulls you down. I am freaking obsessed with getting good grade because I think it defines me. I grew up with a brother that I have always thought was on another plane of intelligence than I was. School is both my friend and my enemy. It is source of happiness, confusion, wonder, frustration and pain. It has a power to make me feel as light as air and to pull me deep into an abyss of suffering.

I sometimes hate that person I became. I had two chances at life and I messed up both times.

After a while, you just have to love yourself. In the end, all you have is your own opionion of who you are. If you hate that person, than that is a pretty sucky life. Therefore, in the spirit of self-preservation, you have to adore at least a part of your being. It is essential.

I have been to Hell and back. Not that I am bragging but it has changed my perspective. It showed me that I don't want to be dead. It revealed that happiness DOES come from within. I saw a glimpse of the good life and I am still chasing it.

I say this because I know some people are pretty mixed up right now. I just want to tell those lost souls that is all right not to know where you are going. I wish to encourage you to continue walking though. The only thing worse than going the wrong way and giving up the path entirely. I have been there. It is no fun.

Love yourself. Love each other. Take time to witness the beauty. Everything else falls in place eventually. Believe me.