May 5th; This is Me

As promised this is:

A GLIMPSE INTO JEFFREY’S MIND!!!

A lot of things have been on my mind lately and it is making feel quite down. Allow me to list them for you.

First, although I promised my mother and myself I would not, I am pretty anxious about my freaking 100 plant species collection. As soon as I make it up to the cottage, where I am actually around some good aquatic habitat (no industrially damaged), I will be fine. However, for now I am working without a plant press and that limits what I can do. It is all about the equipment, baby.

Secondly, I feel rather emasculated. I feel weak. I am not into the things most guys are. Pizza and beer are not the staples of my diet. My muscles are not my first concern. This is an ‘easy’ fix – eat a bunch of protein and pump some iron – but I kind of enjoy being who I am. I am a social person and I really not going to work out unless I have someone there to positively support me (not yell in my ear that I am pathetic) and share in the experience. I prefer to focus on my ambitions rather than my physical appearance. After all, I didn’t spend 6 months in hospital defeating my false perceptions to just throw it in my therapists’ face.

Third on the list, I have some conflicting emotions towards some people in my life. This was provoked by a conversation with my mother. Apparently I have a habit of finding myself in relationships (including friendships) with people that are in need of a friend. I like helping people and therefore I am drawn to these “puppy dogs” (as my mother calls them). They help me feel better about myself because I have the sense that I am making a difference in these peoples’ lives. As I get more aware of their situations, I tend to get closer. Not my fault, right?

Fourth, I am kind of bummed out that I am having such a difficult time finding work. My father is offering a job at Toronto Hydro that involves making charts, table and graphs in Excel. I am less than enthusiastic to be spending my days in front of a computer. However, it would be cool to being working with my father. Dad is a pretty cool guy.

Last but not least, I feel this lingering doubt concerning the person that I am. I feel really invalidated and stupid when someone asks a question that pertains to my expertise (fish, wildlife, and the environment in general) and I do not know (I am less than helpful). I feel I SHOULD know all this stuff by now. There is this great temptation to just spend my summer studying so that I am ‘prepared’ for all these questions that could be asked. Also, it would be good practice for next year. However, I want to enjoy my summer rather than getting stressed out about school. Sadly, the perfectionist is still alive and living in me. I NEED to do well. Part of me hates that.

Well, there you go. Now you know. Have a good day. Love each other.


- Jeffrey