April 29th; Something to Embrace

It is a quarter to midnight – not my usual time to be up and writing – but I feel I have something important to state.

All my faults, all my short-comings and all my painful memories are NOT the things that define who I am. They are a part of me but they are not entirely me.

It took some harsh realities, a phone call I wish I didn’t have to make and even a little relapse into teenage-hood but I have come out wiser. Denying my many talents and pure determination to just “be” will accomplish nothing.

Therefore, I have decided something. Starting today, there will be no more faking, no more self-deceit and no more crippling doubt. The last one is going to be hard but I am committed to make it happen. This means facing some of my intense fears but I think – at almost 22 – I can finally do that.

I have been putting off the important things. I pretend like it is a “choice” but my lack of drivers’ licence is something I have struggled with since I was 18. Four years may not seem like a long time, but it has been pretty torturous. It is hard, but I am getting in the car, behind the wheel, and putting in the practice. I have booked drivers’ ed and seeking information related to my G2. Whether I ‘like’ it for not, I am getting that damn thing. It is crippling my opportunities and I will not stand for it any longer.

A few days ago I realized that I am a jumbled piece of redundancies but I have made sense of the majority of it. I like doing things and I like doing them well. When I am not near perfect at something, I get discouraged. I also like doing one thing at a time. Sure, I can multitask but if it is something I really would rather avoid, I must tackle it head on (case and point, my licence). Looking for a job and then losing it because I had no legal ability to drive reminded me of that. I need to work on the things I still need before I can wrestle in my dreams.

This all might sound a bit bleak but it is encouraging for me. It fills me with hope. I find myself thanking God a lot more. I believe that is because I am finally discovering exactly who this Jeffrey person is. That feels good.

I could say more, but that should be sufficient to display where I am at for the moment. Hopefully, this will give me the courage and the understanding to continue on this positive path. God willing, and with the support of my family, friends and pets, I will come out of this victorious.


- Jeffrey