December 11th; This Day in Chaos.

This is to the people who know what it feels like to be alone in that crowded room called planet Earth:

I have never been so worried (once again - for the millionth time).
I want to say that I am happy.
I miss my friends, family and pets.

The Christmas break is coming up and I think I know what I will do with it - absolutely everything that I can.

Too many times I have used the periods between semesters as 'breaks' - essentially time to do nothing but hang around the house because I can. This time I am going to do things differently. I am going to exhaust myself with experiences. I am going to fill both my days and nights with activity. I am not going to shun my friends. I am not going to avoid things that make me think. I am going to embrace it all. I want more to fill this void of feeling like less.

It has been roughly a year of college and I am beginning to tire of it. I like the day to day busyness but my brain is hurting. I have felt so nervous for so long that I cannot wait for the opportunity to work. Sometimes being a good student loses it's twinkle.

That time is now.

Wish me luck in this time of stress and contemplation. I fear I might need it (but probably not :P).


- Jeffrey

November 12th; All Mine - Always

Tonight I had a bit of an epiphany.

Under all these layers of disappointment and anxiety, the need to be loved and respected, and sorrow for the things that have occurred that can never be erased, Jeffrey Ethier is a compassionate kind young man.

I saw that I am not the giant f*** up I keep telling myself that I am. No one really cares if I don't have my drivers' license. People are not interested in if I haven't kissed a girl in all of my 21 years. I don't dance well but people don't judge me by that. I rather drink orange juice with only OJ in it, and that is all right!

Stuff happens and it pulls you down. I am freaking obsessed with getting good grade because I think it defines me. I grew up with a brother that I have always thought was on another plane of intelligence than I was. School is both my friend and my enemy. It is source of happiness, confusion, wonder, frustration and pain. It has a power to make me feel as light as air and to pull me deep into an abyss of suffering.

I sometimes hate that person I became. I had two chances at life and I messed up both times.

After a while, you just have to love yourself. In the end, all you have is your own opionion of who you are. If you hate that person, than that is a pretty sucky life. Therefore, in the spirit of self-preservation, you have to adore at least a part of your being. It is essential.

I have been to Hell and back. Not that I am bragging but it has changed my perspective. It showed me that I don't want to be dead. It revealed that happiness DOES come from within. I saw a glimpse of the good life and I am still chasing it.

I say this because I know some people are pretty mixed up right now. I just want to tell those lost souls that is all right not to know where you are going. I wish to encourage you to continue walking though. The only thing worse than going the wrong way and giving up the path entirely. I have been there. It is no fun.

Love yourself. Love each other. Take time to witness the beauty. Everything else falls in place eventually. Believe me.

October 28th; Things in General

WARNING: I just might be bipolar. This is a dump of emotions.

It is probably the fatigue talking but I am in that place again when I feel like I am trapped in a cycle that will lead to my doom.

It is only 10:00pm and I feel like a bag of poop. I want to stop thinking about all those scary things that I am afraid.

Why do they all have to be lumped together in that category of "Growing Up".

I have been driving again. I feels great. Still, I feel like a child behind the wheel. My mother says I am doing very well. I ponder whether she mean really well overall or really well for me.

School creeps into my head hourly. I am trying to enjoy my week off but homework is corrupting things. I want to hang with my friends and forget all this mess. I want to run so far away from my school responsibilities that I wake up in the a forest filled with happiness. It feels like heaven.

Just a few day before I left college, a professor reminded us that now is the time to look for jobs for the summer. I nearly cried.

I am so frigging high-strung. I can feel the tension building in my chest. My bones feel brittle. I have been sleeping 9 and a half hours on average. All I want to do all day is read and write. Do I have depression yet? No...

The strange thing is that I am unhappy. It is actually the very opposite. I cannot be happier and that makes things harder. I know eventually I will have to go back to college and return to that feeling of uncertainty. I am not uncomfortable there either. I enjoy my room mates and love the field I am studying.

The problem is, each day I go to school is another day closer to the real thing. I am slowly appraoch life and I am scared.

Once again, I am pleading for someone to hold me. I want some love and assurance that I will be okay. I give the middle finger to that voice that says I am too needy. I know I am.

How can I be so conflicted? I am happy but panicking. Excited but nervous.

I am a miracle. I love this. I continue to impress myself with my rapid range of emotions. Who else is amused?

October 23rd; "Daisy" Review

It had been a long hard week at school. I had ground through a total of eight exams and was looking forward to a week off of college. I had been especially saving Brand New's latest album Daisy as a reward for all my studying and hard work.

When I finally got around to it, I popped the disc into my dad's car. What came out baffled me. It was a hymn - later I would find out it was "On Life's Highway," a gospel hymn written by Bertrand Brown - which did not seem to fit in with Brand New. What followed was a hysteric sound of "Vice". The songs that followed were equally jarring. My immediate response was disappointment.

Upon second listening, it wasn't as bad. It took me for surprised. Still, I was not pleased. When you buy an album by a band - especially a band like Brand New which I have long adored - you are also buying a guarantee. I thought I was in for another mind blowing experience. What I got was something I assumed was a CD forced by fan-mail.

The next song on the CD is "Bed" which is more like their earlier material but probably would have sounded a lot better if it wasn't whispered.

"At The Bottom" is amazing and my spirits were picked up as soon as I heard it. It was like I was back in the days of Deja Entendu. It is the perfect pace. It invigorated me.

I guess I got my hopes up. "Gasoline" is a example of how I think good sounds lose a bit of quality due to a little too much screaming. Once again - upon hearing again - I think I judged it a bit harshly. I would still like to see it calmed down a bit.

Song #5 is "You Stole". This song begins very well - very well. It is mellow and sweet. It kind of get's lost in the instrumentals. I am not complaining but merely commenting. It is pretty good song.

Next is "Be Gone" which begins with a bit of a country sound and then proceeds to get f---ing weird. Like, what the hell is up with this song? The vocalizations are completely distorted. I have no idea what Jesse Lasey.

"Sink" was really cool. I didn't want to admit it to my father but I liked the song. I have this embarrassment around my parents whenever we listen to song with screaming in it. I know neither of my parents particularly like it. I think this is why I felt weird while in the car drive home listening to Lasey yell about "coming to get" me.

"Bought a Bride" is also a good song. It reminded me of song that I am forgetting from the The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me but I am forgetting the title.

The title track - "Daisy" - is sad. It made me want to cuddle a teddy bear and then rip it's head off. It basically just fades off. Then comes in a guitar riff that doesn't really fit. The song is not bad but it is a bit off kilter. The audio and instrument sound an eighth note off. It also ends abruptly.

"In a Jar" is just a weak song. There is nothing in particular that makes it not as good as other songs but I just did not happen to like it. I think the chorus should have been sung at least twice and THEN screamed. It gets my blood pumped though. I like that.

The album ends stronger with "Noro". By this, I mean that the last sound is a good one. The actual ending - a re-initiation of "One Life's Highway" - is kind of sappy but pulls it all together. I really like the bass and drums in this song. It reminds me why I fell in love with Brand New in the first place.

Overall, I have to give the album a 7 out of 10. It is a good listen but does not live up to expectations. Some songs appear to be just thrown together for the heck of it. I read on their site (and it is on Wikipedia as well) that Brand New has always wanted to put "strange things on the albums" and thought that they don't "do it as much as [they] would like to".

So there it is: Daisy by Brand New in less than 1,000 words.

Somewhere Out There

It is two days to freedom.
I no longer doubt my intelligence but rather doubt my ability.
It is not so much fun when I realized I am waiting for something that might never go away.

It is a Wednesday night. I am chatting with my friends. It makes me homesick but I enjoy it. After tomorrow and Friday, I will be home for a week. I am worried because I know how wonderful home can be.

Like everything good, comes a kill-joy. I hate to admit it, but it is once again school.

Then there is the blast from the past. I do not know what to say. I do not know what to do. I need some help with this and I know no one can give me the answer except myself.

Darn. I love life but this is tricky.

- Jeffrey

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I don't do this enough, so please allow me this moment of self-gratitude:

I am thankful for the following (in no real order):
2 kittens
2 dogs
2 gerbils
2 parents
2 grandparents
1 brother
Numerous friends
Health
Fleming College
3 house-mates
Autumn
Food
God
Books
Music
Blankets
Beds
Pens
Paper
Words
Trees
Wildlife
Clothing
Money
Success
Times of Happiness
Learning Experiences
The towns of Ancaster, Lindsay and Priceville
Air Conditioning
Living in the country of Canada
Freshwater
Electricity
Calculators
Dictionaries
Small shiny objects
Social Services
Hospitals
Doctors
Professors and Teachers
Stars
Sun
Moon
Clouds
Wind
Cameras
Paint and Brushes
My Imagination

There is so much more. I am so blessed. I love my life. There is so much that I cannot even begin to fathom the extent of how fortunate I am. I want to thank everyone in my life. Good or bad, you have made me who I am. I like that. I enjoy that each and every experience shapes me. I don't mind being plastic. It gives me hope.

God bless.

I Would Gladly Bet My Life Upon It

"Is it that hard to be happy?"

I have been questioning my every movement recently. I do not know anymore if I have the courage to live a life that I half believe in. At times, I want to break down and cry. I want to question God on why he had to make me so indecisive. I want to scream, kick and wail.

I got very drunk on Friday. Ever since then, it feels like my life is a joke. I think I have kicked myself in a fatigue-induced depression (and I hate it!)

School being as intensive as it is, is not helping at all. I feel constantly behind and that is irksome for a self-proclaim overachiever. I am not sure if I enjoy learning as much as I love to know. The process is nauseating. I like it when I get that "A-ha" moment. I dislike the dirt I have to drag myself in before I can get there.

I know what it is - I am afraid to be caught "stupid". When everyone calls you smart, it sucks when you feel so idiotic. I know I am a bright lad but I am not sure of my other abilities. It all falls back to my self-doubt.

I hate when my problems seem so simple. It isn't very validating.

On the bright side, I am alive, relatively healthy and enjoying the good times. I have wonderful friends, great parents and a world of other creature comforts. I should be happy. I think I am but I am just giving myself a hard time.

Still...is it immature to want help?

My Anti DietCoke-and-Mentos

I swear I was going to burst apart and scream until the sky turned black.

I was certain that I was going to give it all up, run out of class, and burn all my books.

I thought I was going to call my parent - crying - pleading to go home where everything made sense and I could actually breath.

On the bike ride back to my house, the wind even seemed against me. I exhaled loudly and pull my everything into pounding my legs as hard as they could go into the pedals. It felt like I barely made it. My heart raced and my hands shook like an addict.

I was going to throw myself indoors and than pout (at the very least) until it was a reasonable hour to pass out cold.

However - I was not given the pleasure.

I was intercepted by my roommate who changed my entire demeanor. Her smile is infectious. Her words were like velvet and had me entranced. How could I be angry with the Lord if He could make someone so kind as her?

Nothing she did was especially remarkable - we only exchanged a few frustrations - but the fact she talked to me brighten my entire outlook. I was then able to just sit down and pound through my anxiety and discover nothing was beyond my control. It was as if she gave me the power to do this.

I have to thank her - I have yet to do it. However, I am not sure if she would understand. Regardless, I am going to make the attempt.

For all those wonderful souls out there, continue to be outstanding. Who knows when an exhausted boy is going to need your optimism and compassion.

September 7th; A Day Like Any Other

I am two breaths away from starting another semester at college. My nerves are shot. I spent half of yesterday practicing breathing techniques and the other half smiling like an idiot for no reason at all.

My mother drove me to Lindsay. I am now living in the house with three other people. I found out that they are all graduates of Fish and Wildlife (the program I am currently taking) from a different college. They all seem close already.

The fact we obviously share an interest in wildlife should bring us together, right? How is it that we can having something so much in common and yet I still feel like an outcast? How can I still feel unwelcome when they have done nothing but be pleasant and cordial to me? Why do I cling to this loner lifestyle when all I want is to be happy and accepted?

A great many of people have said, "have you ever felt alone in a crowded room," but I remember it most from my favourite band Our Lady Peace. That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like everything I do singles me out. I don't talk right. I don't eat right. I don't do the things a normal 20-something does. I am weird and out-of-place.

I know this makes me seem down but that is not the truth. I am happy just also a tad nervous. I never know if I am doing the right thing. I have doubts that could break a hundred horses' backs. I don't know what to do with myself and it is like I am waiting for God to crack open the sky with the answer.

I feel all this and yet I know that this day is like any other. There is nothing really special about today but I feel like I am shouldering a ton of bricks. I am thinking about all the things I "should" or "could" be doing but none of them seem like they would help.

Maybe I need to talk about it. Maybe I need to socialize with my house-mates. Maybe I need to take a long walk and relax. Maybe I need to shut off my mind for a few hours and just content myself with killing some brain cells.

ARGH! I just want to lash out at myself. Why do I hate Jeffrey so?



- Jeffrey

Pondering Still

It is Tuesday.

I have two more days until I return to me home in the lovely town of Ancaster.

I often wonder if I am the only one that realized that music is more that just noisy art form. I think it has a life of it's own. Perhaps I am insane.

I have a girlfriend now. I am not sure what that means. I cannot wait to see her again. In four days that dream will come true.

It is like I am on the peripherals of something excellent. I am not quite caught in the grandeur of it all.

I find myself thinking about those friends that I have not seen in a while. I hope they are okay. It pains me to not know for sure.

I am already fretting about next semester. I want to tell my mind to 'screw off' but that is impossible. I need it after all.

I am not sure what I am babbling about or if anyone even reads this. I want some attention. I feel lonely. Is that so terrible to admit to?

I hope I am not alone in this...

So Close I Can Feel It

Lately I have been okay with myself. This is a totally new feeling for me. I am so used to hating myself or at least a part of me.

Obviously, this is well held secret. It may even come as a surprise to you.

Hate is such a powerful word and I think I have misused it. I don't think I could ever hate myself. For accurately, for a long time, I have been very disappointed in my result life and my previous actions.

However, that does not appear to be the case this week. The last few days have been good to me.

Even if I am being blinded by some sort of happiness, I will take this self-love as is. I do not want to ruin it.

On the other hand, I am deeply worried about some of my friends. Quite a few seem to be going through a really hard part of their lives. The common factor in all of them are relationships. Friends and partners can be wonderful but they also have a habit of destroying you slowly.

It is painful to see relationships go down hill. Worse still to witness the aftermath.

The close of summer is so close that I can feel it. While for some they are dreading September, I am looking forward to it. I want this summer semester of college to be over. I want all those culminating tasks to be over with and to begin the hands-on stuff.

I can hardly believe it has been almost a year straight of college. I must be wacky.

I Thought It Was The End

There is a man named Jon who is 22 years old and has a warrant out for his arrest.

Biking back from the grocery store (something I swore I would never do) I was trying to balance a bag of milk and some foil-wrapped potatoes when I came to a intersection.
I really wanted to get home - seriously regretting not taking the bike home from my ride and just walking to the store - so instead of waiting for the light to change, I started to go down the street on the opposite side.

I was going to cut across as there were no cars coming when I saw a police car. Upon seeing this, I decided to stay where I was at wait to cross at the next intersection. Suddenly, the police car made an U-turn and he was right infront of me. I thought I was dead.

Luckily enough, I swerved at the last second and made it safely to the other side of the road. Hopped off the bike and held my chest. My heart was going a billion paces a hour. From behind me I heard, "Hey you! Come over here!".

I was so freaking scared. I thought I was going to ram into his car and kill himself. A little shaken, I quickly crossed the road. Fear does strange things to people. I felt like crying but instead I yell "How is this my fault?!" I can be so stupid.

"Excuse me?" he said looking down from his 6 and a half foot stature. I asked how it was my fault that he made a U-turn in front of me. He corrected me in saying he was making a turn in a designated zone and that it was my fault I was on the wrong side of the road. I could have killed myself.

I once heard bikes were considered vehicles but I never got the conformation until today. I spoke truthfully when I said I didn't know. Seriously, officer. I didn't.

He asked for my ID and I gave it to him. He said a bunch of jargon and then said my name and birth date. Some women ran a check on me. A minute later - it felt like hours - she replied that there were no Jeffreys but there was a 22 old man named Jon with the same last name that was wanted. He refused to make eye contact with me (which mine were just beginning to water as I considered what this man could do to me).

He told me next time to be more careful, to ride on the correct side of traffic or one day I WILL end up dead. I wanted to shake his hand and thank him but he was already back in the car. My heart was still racing.

I feel like saying a little prayer. I have been saved once again.

Random Thoughts

You Look Cuter Without Glasses

Do You Want To Play A LoveGame? LoveGame! It's A Shame. LoveGame! I Do Not Even Know The Lyrics To This Thang...

That Computer Has A Green-Screen Of Death!!

Everything Would Look Cooler If 'EA' Words Were Converted To 'AE'.

I Bet Pudding and Fudge Would Taste Good Together. Too Bad Both Liquefy My Innards.

Everyday Would Be Better With Kittens.

[[more later. class now.]]

Raining in my Head

What the Hell?!

I was doing so well. I had finally got my mood up and was once again living the life I wanted.

A good solid five days - Wednesday to Monday - I was happy and excited. I say meaning in my life and I wanted to wake up with the sunrise.

My mood is still elevated but I have taken a sucker punch in the gut. She still won't talk to me. She hasn't answered or replied to a single one of my messages. I am being avoided.

To make things even better, my landlords think I have caused the recent water damage in my house. I am so upset. I take care of this old house as if it is my very own. It is a lovely piece of history and I adore it. I would never neglect a leak if I was aware of it. I literally came back to a flood and crumbling ceiling tiles. I have no idea how it happened.

I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I hate this sorrow that is rekindling inside of me.

Good news is that I am thrilled to be back in school. Strange how one week I dread it and the next I am in love. The people are so fantastic and I am excited to meet my second half professors. Proof of my improved state is that I can write again (and it isn't all emo poetry). I am overjoyed with the thoughts floating around in my head just waiting to be written.

Finally - here is to you (where ever you are). Even if you don't ever read this, know that you are still the most special person I know.

♥

Solstice

I swore I was not mad at you but I guess that I am.

I had the best week of my life and coming back to a water-damaged house is no less than - well - depressing.

Trying to make the best of it, I think I am losing myself in the process. My mother said something to the effect of, "the best way to say 'thank you' is to be happy for us." I nearly cried.

Maybe it is the rain. Maybe it is the fact I left the best place I know. Maybe it is because I didn't get to see nearly as many people as I wanted to. Maybe it is because I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. Regardless, I cannot help but admit I am afraid.

It is the strangest feeling ever; delighted but fearful. I am happy. I have seen the light and I am practically bathing in it but something still looms over me. The darkness shadow I know is lurking in the foreground. It is hard to justify such happiness when I know so many things are yet to be resolved.

I feel like dancing and celebrating life. I want to hold someone like it will be the last thing I will ever do.

I am overjoyed with the opportunities. I am nervous about what comes next.

If you don't mind, I would like to still hold your hand.

We Are Not All Made To Love

*WARNING: this blog contains emotions*

Why does boredom do this to be?
The internet is my worse enemy.
Always ending up in the completely wrong place.
I hate how I think it is you who said "You are too needy".
           (I especially dislike that I know that it is true)
Books don't contain me enough anymore.
I am falling back into a regime of a routine.
Stupid red-speckled dots on my eyelids.
Spending way too much time waiting for something to happen
I hate how I can write what I need to do
            but still feel powerless to make the change.
What in my heart does not translate to my actions.
My behaviour feels inconsistent, random and deranged.
I want to be in love but I am afraid to feel.
Music sounds like noise to me;
            what happened to its sweet poetry?

I am okay but I feel like I ought to admit that I am not. Does that make sense to anyone but myself? I feel like I have a great life but I am failing to appreciate it. One minutes I am giddy, the next I feel strung out. I need human interaction but I am afraid to give up my precious free time.

I am sitting on the tricycle of life and I need a push.

Who still loves me?

Gone-Left-Escaped

Things seem to be slipping away

Both way applicable.

I keep forgetting to lock the side door.
I keep remembering the rush of grade of 100%; forgetting the pleasure in everything else.
I keep forgetting to sit down.
I keep remembering the joy in the little things; forgetting to dwell endlessly.

I think things are going to be okay but I don't know for sure. I want that more than anything.

Tegan and Sara keep me company in the meanwhile. I wish I could say I want to be a superstar but at this point I will settle for mere survival.

I have a bad habit of convincing myself it is worse than it is only to realize late at night it doesn't matter.

Good new is...I can admit to it.

This Time

I think I have found out why I am not always so happy.

This time I am going to stop caring about the 90%
This time I am going to start having fun when I am young
This time I am not going to be ashamed of my intelligence
This time I am not going to go over something already raped to death
This time I am going to do what my body says is right
This time I am going to do what makes me feel good.

I am sick of worry about what everyone thinks of me. I am tired of caring so much about everything. I can no longer afford to be Mr. Perfect.

I am going to rejoice in my friend, do well in school, and let everything else just fall in place. This is what I think will work. It feels like walking in a hilly forest blindfolded and with my legs tied together but I say it is worth a try.

It's nothing that will kill me after all...

What a Pity...

I have never been so upset for getting over 90%

A 96% but I know it is really a 80%. Stupid 90% accuracy rate. Why isn't an 80% enough?

I can do the test again. Why am I even worrying? What has happened to me.

I cannot believe that almost destroyed me. I cannot believe that was crumbling me apart.

I was rude, hostile, and unpleasant. My smile faded away and my limbs grew heavy. My stomach felt like it hated me. My ear began to ache my body felt tired. My head throbbed and my eyes were watery.

I practically cried.

I can see the stupidity in it all know; it was such nonsense. However, if something that small can affect me so much what happens when something really tragic happens? Will I be able to survive?

Feeling infinitely better. My confidence in myself has been renewed.

However, that was just a little bit too scary and know I do not know what to do.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you just have to admit that everything is not alright.

Sometimes that is the best thing that you can do for yourself.

Sometimes, it makes it better to just cave in and get some help.

Sometimes, doing alone is not the way to go

Sometimes...

Periodic Dominance

I have conquered the first 20 elements of the Periodic Table.

I thought I would celebrate here.

First: Hydro One = first element is Hydrogen(H)

The next three rhyme (in my mind): Helium (He), Lithium (Li), Beryllium (Be)

Then, the acronym is "Bad Children Never Offer Food, Not Ever": Boron (B), Carbon (C), Nitrogen (N), Oxygen (O), Fluorine (Fl), Neon (Ne)

Next, the acronym is "Nam...My God!": Sodium (Na), Magnesium (Mg)

After that, the acronym is "Al 'Sips' Clark": Aluminum (Al), Silicon (Si), Phosphorus (P), Chlorine (Cl), Potassium (K)

Since I live in Canada, websites here end in ".ca" and so does the first 20 elements of the Periodic Table: Calcium (Ca)

Let's Recap: Hydro One, Helium-Lithium-Beryllium, Bad Children Never Offer Food; Not Ever, Nam My God, Al 'Sips' Clark, dot Ca

Therefore:

Hydrogen (1), Helium (2), Lithium (3), Beryllium (4), Boron (5), Carbon (6), Nitrogen (7), Oxygen (8), Fluorine (9), Neon (10), Sodium (11), Magnesium (12), Aluminum (13), Silicon (14), Phosphorus (15), Sulfur (16), Chlorine (17), Argon (18), Potassium (19), Calcium (20)

That is how I am going to remember it.

Who knows what I am going to do when I get the next batch to memorize.

(Click the Above Box for Confirmation)

The Third Attempt

I thought it would be a good idea to let you know that I am okay.

I know you said you could make no promises but I still thing you heart has something left to give.

Broken and hardly outspoken, I think you have what it takes to let me in.

I know that I do.

Seeing you like this tears me apart. I want it all to stop but I know you have a process to go through.

I wish only that I could help.

…

Another week and I can barely comprehend that it is the third. Time is going by so quickly. I think I am beginning to really enjoy it. If it was not for this stupid vegetation collection then I think I could really be swimming in joy. I know that is not the only thing holding me back but I feel like it is the main one.

The day is so beautiful I can hardly remain in my seat. I am having this flow of happiness. There is so much to do, and I am doing it, but I still feel grand.

Could this be euphoria? Am I manic?

Hopefully this is the beginning of something beautiful. I hate the feel of anxious legs and frantic thoughts. I think I am in the mood for being content.


- Jeffrey

Time: Insist On It

Today was a heck of a day

Amazingly, it was filled with so much happiness that I hardly knew how to express myself.

It went beyond all the hard work (I seemed to just enjoy it). It surpassed my heartbreak when I found out that was crush is "in a relationship" (I happier off as friends). It drilled into somewhere special in my heart (I was singing and dancing; home alone).

I am so thrilled.

Today was divided equally between talking to friends, doing school work, figuring out a pipette, eating so de-lish food and dancing.

I got to be chemistry partners with Sue and Kay. I am sandwiched my loveliness.

The weather is amazing. I have rarely been so invigorated. I think I am going to love my summer here.

I think I have a place to stay in August through Graduation. No more apartment worries (fingers-crossed).

I am going home to see my freaking PUPPIES!!!

There is so much more but I have no idea how to express it. I just so pleased to be in this mood.


- Jeffrey

Insanity

Hello...

I have a question for all of you.

How the hell did Megan Fox become so popular? I mean - yes, she is sexy - but she is a total whore.

The only things that Meg Fox has going for her are boobs, slimness and being overtly sexual. To be honest, she looks like a groundhog in several of her photos. She spends most of her time being a blatant flirt and tease that is disgusts me. I would never dream of revealing so much of myself for, in my opinion, so little. Is popularity and wealth really that desirable?

I am not saying I have extremely high expectations for my women but I merely saying that people should have some standards. If someone is whoring herself out, that says a lot about her personality.

Even I will admit she looks really good bent over a classic auto but for only one reason; she looks ready to receive. I guess a lot guys like that. They now have a ready image of what it would look like if they were slamming her from the behind.

I like my women a little more classy and, well...mysterious. I want to have some guess work to still have to do. It's no fun trying to imagine them naked if you can get several hundred images of just that with only a couple clicks on Google.

Where have we gone? I thought humanity has established some integrity. I guess these are the new times and sex definitely sells.

Time to adapt, dear Jeffers. Meg Fox is going to continue arching her back whether you like it or not.

Discovery

My dark mood leaked back into my early this morning.

I really do have a ton of work to do this semester. Along with my usual studies, I am expected to collect 80 vegetation species. I do not know where to start. Luckily, I have a little missus that is going to help me out (and I shall help her in turn).

I also took on managing a free market at the school. How that works is that we accept donations, arrange them in this room we took over, and just record what comes in and out of the market. Everything is free. It is quite the good idea.

Unfortunately, people have been dumping a lot of junky clothes on us. It is a lot of folding and sorting. I thought with the hours I was manning the shop I could get some homework done. I was there for two and a half hours and managed to read 10 pages of the text and merely write the date at the top of my chemistry questions.

Oh well...

However, at 1:30PM, the Fish + Wildlife people went out to a local creek and began collecting invertebrates. We had so much fun. I got a crayfish, damselfly larvae, mayfly larvae, and countless other little beauties. If that is what my job is going to be like, I think I might have a blast. I cannot wait for the dissection.

In preparation, I started dissecting other things. I found of box of sealed tampons and began investigating. Being a guy, I never knew how crude the things could be. It's just a cardboard tube inside of another one that pushes an absorbent rag into the unmentionables. A long string hangs from the rag; presumably for when it comes time for removal.

I do not envy you ladies. We guys have it lucky. I have an even more reinforced respect for you all.


- Jeffrey

The Light in Hell

I am back into my studies.

Here I am; Lost in my responsibilities. I am swamped in my work. I am lonely and I am ad. I strain to go on because I feel so helpless.

This is what my thoughts tell me. I am glad this is not

I do have some support here. I am not alone with my thoughts. I want to go home; badly. However, I do love it here and I am having a lot of fun. I love that the air is breathable and I adore that I can feel my heart expanding.

What I hate is that I am alone in my house. I hate that thee is so much work also little that I do know. I fell in love with the town but I hate how rural and hopelessly alone I feel at night.

That was until I met Kay.

Let’s just say my worries melted away the second I saw her and leave it like that. The impossibilities of my workload, how lethal the topics may be, all the horrid tests and essays will simply fade when she but smiles and utters the smallest of laughs.

My heart skipped a beat.

There just isn’t anything more to it. This – is – awesome!

Torn Between Two Places

I am in an interesting dilemma.

I am stuck between the love of my hometown of Ancaster and the small town of Lindsay where I go to school for Fish and Wildlife Technology.

In Ancaster, I have all my high school friends and my beloved parents. I know where everything is and the streets are familiar. At home, I have my bedroom full of all my stuff - my books, my CD collection, my collection of art - and my beloved pet; two dogs and two gerbils.

In Lindsay, I have my college friends. I have my independence and a beautiful home which is already like my second home. I cook, clean and provide for myself which has given me great confidence. I love my program and I love where it is taking me. The air is fresher and I feel so alive. At school, I am so full of esteem and happiness that it is addictive.

The best thing, and coincidentally the worse part, is that I am constantly switching back and forth between the two places. I guess I do not have to choose between them; I am free to drift. However, it seems whenever I am in Ancaster I want to talk to my Lindsay friends and vice versa when I am in Lindsay.

Whatever...I love them both.


- Jeffrey