Creatures of the Past [Part 2 of 10] - Teratorns

Welcome back,

This time we are looking at the Teratorns; a name that basically translates to "Monster Birds".

Teratorns were basically gigantic vultures that soared over the plains of North and South America 12,000 years ago (which isn't that long ago in terms of the history of the Earth).The largest of which was the Argentavis magnificens. I know what you are thinking but, no, that Latin name is not a shameless travel advertisement for the magnificent country of Argentina. Good old A. magnificens had a wingspan was at the least 6 m but could have been as long as 8 m. For you non-metric peoples – that is between 20 and 26 ft. To put that into perspective, at the high end of that range, these birds had wings half the length of a transport truck trailer. 

These birds, most likely, were not very attractive. You need only to refer to a Turkey Vulture or a California Condor to see what I mean. While you may call a condor and other vulture-like birds “spectacular”, they are not exactly “magnificent” or “majestic”. These scavengers are built to smell rotten flesh from far away and remain disease free through the distribution of ammonia-packed feces. New World vultures have fleshy heads with giant holes as nostrils. Teratorns likely had the same complexion. 

In contrast to their modern counterparts, teratorns had longer, a stouter leg which suggests that they may have been able to stalk prey on the ground. Some feel that teratorns were active predators and only scavenged opportunistically. So, not only did you have to watch out for death from above, you also had to be aware that there might be a massive 80 kg terror with wings hiding in the bushes. 

That is my review of the teratorns. If you take anything away from this today I want it to be this: next time you see a pigeon that has got itself trapped in a bus shelter, remember that it once may have been a horrible nightmare that could chase you down from land or sky. Well – not really. But it was related to something that could have easily killed you and feasted upon your brains and organs thousands and thousands of years ago. Have respect for your feathered friends.

Creatures of the Past [Part 1 of 10] - Dunkleosteus

Hello,

It has been a while and while I am sure there was no one to miss me I feel like an explanation is needed.

I was in university. I was too busy to write a blog.

Now that, that is dealt with...welcome to the new post! This time I am going to talk about some animals that are extinct that part of me wishes still were around (and part of me is happy they are not around to stalk and kill me). As the title suggests, I have assembled 10 beasts, ranging all over the animal kingdom, which I find fascinating. There is no particular order and therefore there is no favorite, coolest, or most "bad ass". Consider them equivalent.

Today we start with Dunkleosteus - the prehistoric fish that could crunch you in half.

Dunkleosteus is a genus of fishes that were around during the Late Devonian period (380-360 million years ago). The name roughly translates to “Dunkle-boned”. What that means, I have no idea. Perhaps a Dunkle had bones similar to this guy. Just kidding – the genus is named after David Dunkle, a curator of Vertebrate Paleontology at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History. The “osteus” likely refers to how bony this fish was thought to be.

 

While not quite a Megalodon, one Dunkleosteus species measured up to 10 meters and weighed 3.6 tons. That is more than an African Elephant. That is pretty awesome. Also, you may or may not know that 10 meters is equal to 33 feet. Thirty-three feet is over 3 stories. Image a fish longer than most houses are high. Now you have some perspective.

 

What are truly special about this creature are the jaw and the associate muscles. Due to the four bar linkage mechanism of their jaws, this armoured fish was capable of both amazing quick speeds – opening and closing in about 50 milliseconds – a well as intense crushing force that is estimated between 6,000 and 7,000 N. I am not up on my physics but I can assure you that you would not want to be bitten by this beasty. Rumour has it that they liked to snap whale-like creatures in half. Just for kicks.

 

Other than being massive and strong, I like this guy because he looks like plated fish with the fortune of having a gigantic snapping turtle head. Turtles are cool so the Dunkleosteus is an automatic winner.  Like a turtle, the jaw appears to be a bony plate with hardened cartilage as “teeth” and spiky ridges to tear off chunks of prey as it slips down the throat. Additionally, the Dunkleosteus is enemy boss in the Saga Genesis game Ecco the Dolphin (the best game about a dolphin ever made).

 

That’s it! Hope you enjoyed reading up about this dude. More is coming shortly. 

July 10th; Top Ten Albums That Define My Taste

Some may call it "too mainstream" but for what it is worth...
Here are the top ten albums - in no particular order - that define my taste in music.

Vheissu – Thrice
What it is to Burn – Finch
Clumsy – Our Lady Peace
The Con – Tegan and Sara
The Airborne Toxic Event – The Airborne Toxic Event
Sing the Sorrow – AFI
Deja Entendu – Brand New
High Violet – The National
Set Yourself on Fire – Stars
CexCells – Blaqk Audio

- Jeffrey

July 23rd; A Day Like No Other

It has been a while. I apologize. Boo hoo. Let's do this.

I woke up today feeling different. Hard to explain exactly what had changed but the point was that I knew that my mood could go one way or the other. I could actually sense my little brain-bites deciding whether or not this was going to be a "good day" or a "bad day".

After eating and showering, I chose to take the dogs on a walk despite the threat of rain. Earlier on when I was letting the dogs out, I had momentarily felt that the air had a warm but not hot breeze running through it. I thought this might be nice to walk in.

Indeed, within the first few minutes, it began to drizzle but I continued on. The sensation was one I hadn't felt in a while and I wanted to enjoy it. The dogs didn't seem to mind at all so I took the luxury of going a little slower than usually just to "take it all in". By the time I was only a few hundred feet from home, the rain had gotten quite heavy.

Still, I was loving every moment of it. There was this huge stupid grin on my face and must have confused people that were driving past. I didn't care. I was happy. While it was just a little walk in the rain it made me realize that one should never "sweat the small stuff". So I got caught in the rain - so what? I will be dry in thirty minutes. No real harm AT ALL was done.

If I have the ability to "turn around" something that would usually make me grumpy, then I have the power to do that in other aspect of my life - perhaps even on a greater scale. Lately my thoughts have been on two things, the greater being school. I am worried about the coming year and it's difficult. I am concerned about the pressure to pursue my degree after graduating from college. Heck, I am even a little anxious about living with only girls next year. However, there is no need.

The really important things in my life are stable. I have family, friends, healthy and happiness. All the other stuff is a bonus. I know I am a resourceful and capable young man so the rest will fall into place accordingly. And if for some reason it doesn't, oh well. I work on it when I get there. Fretting now will accomplish nothing.

I just thought I would share that little bit of insight. It made me feel good. And powerful.



- Jeffrey

July 2; The Cat Came Back

I decided to keep Gaidyn. The kitten won me over. I cannot believe it but the little monster wiggled his way into my heart.

Here is how it happened. After his brother, Kodiak, moved to a new home, I decided Gaidyn needed some company. He would cry when he was alone. The obvious location for him upstairs was my bedroom. I guess that was my first mistake but, onward in the story we go. I took the beast to the cottage with me. Aside from being beyond adorable, Gaidyn emerged from the basement with an astounding personality. My father was downright silly around him and even my mother seemed to really like him. Gaidyn would tear around the cottage and do his signature “zombie walk”.

Then it happened – the act that tied me forever to this little life. Gaidyn disappeared while I was working away on my vegetation collection, my mother was lying down and my father was making some call outside. For a half an hour, we all tore the cottage apart – calling his name every second – desperate to find the kitten. After a while, we all agreed he has to be outside somewhere. The search began.

Fairly quickly, my hopes of finding him were diminishing. By the hour and a half mark, the voice inside of head said that some vulture had swooped down and taken Gaidyn away from us forever. I know that sounds completely ridiculous but the mind is an amazing magician. The most impossible things flow steady through my imagination.

My father was distraught. My mother apologized every time she saw my glum face. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like crying or running but I knew both of those things would accomplish nothing. I felt so silly. It was just a kitten from some barn and I already had fallen in love. It was a set up for disaster.

Then, finally – miraculously – he just reappeared from seemingly nowhere. It was a grand celebration and I promised to myself and God that if Gaidyn came back I would keep him safe from then on in. I always keep my promised. The kitten is now officially an Ethier.

I wonder how he is going to change as he gets older. I wonder if the same playfulness and spunk will stand the test of time. Spooky lived all his 16+ years as a kitten in spirit – I do not see why things would be any different with Gaidyn. He has certainly formed a bond with me and I intend to foster that special connection.

Here’s to him – Gaidyn, the King of Tabbies


- Jeffrey

June 18th; Happy Again, My Friend

Forget what I have said before – life isn’t as crappy as people make it out to be. Sure, things go down that would make a throng of newborn kittens weep but, for the most part, those things are rarities.

I saw the world through different eyes today. I figured that if I got caught up on every heartache, I was going to destroy myself. I am not going to let that happen. Not when there are so many loving people around me that have done nothing but given me every excuse to be joyous.

After five years of never really giving myself a break, I slept in. It wasn’t too late but it felt great. I was able to just let go, put my head on the pillow, and snoozed for an hour more. I had a quick shower and I swear the water temperature was perfect. I was in heaven.

Mom stayed home from work so we went on an adventure – I drove – to see my life-long babysitter, Louise. While mom and Louise talked, I ran around with Amber and collected aquatic vegetation from the nearby swamp/forest area. I also answered Louise’s several wildflower questions which validated the past two years I have spent on my education at Fleming College.

A few more errands, some practice parking, a bite to eat, and it was already 5:45pm. The day went quickly but I did not mind at all. I was happy – truly happy. I didn’t have to fake it. I was actually jovial and that made me want to hug something. Luckily I have two dogs and two kittens.

I am pumped for Saturday. Perhaps it is my high off of today’s events and my good feeling, but I am excited for the Toth Bonfire and BBQ. That means you, buddy. I have been working on the Jeep footage and it should be done by the end of this weekend if I am not too busy. I will have to invite you over so you can review the changes I have. The mo’fo’ is finally under 20 minutes.

That’s it. That is all I wanted to say.

w00tercakes with score-sauce!

- Jeffrey

June 13th; A New Kind of Living

It has been a week and I am not sure what I have to say.

A lot has happened but I am not sure how willing I am to share it. A lot of people have been talking to me about some pretty serious stuff. I am always willing to lend an ear – that is not the issue – but I worry about my friends and family. Stuff happens. I hope I can provide for them.

In other news, my brother has become quite the man right before my eyes. A new house, a new fiancée, and now a new dog. It is a lot to take in. I am so incredibly proud and happy for him. I really couldn’t ask for a better older brother. He has been nothing but supportive and encouragement. Even during the rough few years, he was there and I am thankful for that.

I had some people over last night. It was a great experience and yet another nice addition to my Heritage Day experiences. I love hosting and it gave me the opportunity to connect with people I haven’t seen in a quite a long time. I have known them for easily 5 years, but it something new always surprises me every time I see them. They are an excellent bunch.

The weeks that are coming up should prove to be promising. At the end of the month I have my G2 driving test. Since my mother will be caught up with convocation, my father will be taking me out to smooth out the blemishes so to speak. My dad is a great guy but he isn’t very critical of me. I worry he will be unwilling to point out my mistakes in hopes to keep the peace.

A completed plant collection and a perhaps a job/volunteer position and I would call myself content. The in between might be tricky and a bit tedious but I will grow from that. That is what life is all about.


- Jeffrey

June 7th; My Eyes! They Do Nothing!

After many years of simply stating that I am “colour blind” I now have a more definite diagnosis.

I am what the optometrists like to call a “strong deutan”. Allow me to explain.

With someone like me who has deuteranopia or red-green colour blindness, the medium wavelength sensitive cones (green) are missing all together. A deuteranope can only distinguish 2 to 3 different hues, whereas somebody with normal vision sees 7 different hues. It is not only red and green that I have trouble with but also greys, purples, and greenish-blues. Basically, I have a tough time differentiating between hues that are close together and also “blend” colours within the red to green spectrum (approximately 700 to 500 nanometres).

I always wondered why I am having the “No, it is blue” argument when people insist it is purple or green. Also, I honestly have trouble picking out a stop sign when it is surrounded in green foliage. Obviously I do not mean it is covered by leaves but rather the backdrop of the stop sign is leaves.

One more hurdle in my identification skills but I am still technically the best in my program. I wonder how that happened. Perhaps I study too much. That Purple Finch versus a House Finch is killer (colour wise) but they do look structurally different. I will just have to rely on shape rather than colour.

Needless to say, I went for an eye exam today. In amongst that I also ran some chores and marveled in how lovely it is to have something to do. I mean, relaxing is all good in theory but after a while it can get tedious. This frustrating job search has made me realize that perhaps I should just find a good volunteer position to keep my mind and hands busy. I might go a little batty without something to do.

Wish me luck, mes amies.

- Jeffrey

June 2nd; It's Taken Me This Long To Learn

I want it to thunder out. The sky will wage noisy war with the atoms in the air. Roaring and imploding. The only evidence is a brief flash of light that quickly dissipates. I want the heavens to scream the frustration for me so my head doesn’t leak out silliness in the form of words. Let the stars rain down in the earth and will the oceans with fury. I need Nature to show some anger. I am not doing too well in this hot stickiness.

In my dim room, I am accompanied by Mishka, Kira and Amber. Pets are special. Their mammalian love makes me happy. They mean more to me than just a pleasant combination of bones, muscle and fur. They are my friends. The first ones I had were pets. They do not mock you, prod you and push you down. Then again, they don’t really challenge you at all.

I am having some troubles with allowing myself to just let go. Mistakes weigh heavily on me. Each one is like a 1 pound weight. Alone they are no problem at all. However, as one after the other piles on my shoulders, the stress builds. Everyone has a breaking point.

It is the silliest things that are upsetting me and I have no idea why I allow them to affect me so much. It is just a freaking driving lesson. It is not the end of the world. What should motivate me actually makes me feel even more pathetic. It tears pieces of me away. Perhaps I have to leave this perfectionism behind (uhh…duh!) but I like too much. It has kept me safe. I cling to that kind of security.

I have forgotten my faith in all of this. I need to venture back to it. It is important. It will give me the strength needed. Nothing else matters as long as I feel the gentle warmth in my heart. That is all that is really important.

All that remains is my only little wish that this is just another fleeting moment. “It’s time to put that happy face on again” the voice says. Lord knows, I am going to listen.


- Jeffrey

May 31st; Adventures and Road Rage

The last three days have filled my head with almost too much to handle. However, this is a good thing.

I would say the good feelings began the moment she texted me that she was coming home. Arrangements made, I arrived at Bronwen’s house at noon on Saturday. Almost immediately we were in the pool and swimming (after a bite of lunch with Donella and Bronwen). I am not a fan of chlorine so I was overjoyed when I realized it was salt water. If you have never swum in a salt water pool, you must try.

I got the pleasure to mingle with Bronwen’s friends and family. This included Shiva (the cat) and Jackson (the dog) which I can admit was one of the highlights. I just really love animals.

I ended up staying over so I could prolong the enjoyment. Good choice. Shiva visited me as I was drifting off. There are few things better than slipping into lala-land than during the gentle massage of a cat purring on your belly. Plus, the morning and afternoon that followed was pretty awesome as well.

It felt a pretty bittersweet leaving. I like home life but a little taste of something different was fun. A lot of fun.

Today was a first – an in-car driving lesson. I got to drive around with Wray – the crazy Jamaican – which was excellent. I think I did well. Apparently there is this thing called a parking brake. A bunch of people use it. I never knew. Other than that, it was great. As the lesson went on, I grew more and more confidence. A wise little birdie told me that confidence is important.

The days that follow are looking good. I pumped out a bunch of applications and resumes. Soon I will have a G2 and more freedom. Paradise awaits.

- Jeffrey

May 26th; Making Connections

Through the hot, humid days,
Through the unexpected surprises,
Through the drinks and drunken conversations,
I have found something that just might be peace.

Plus, how can I not be happy when I have kittens. They have really brightened the last few days. They remind me to stay perky and positive.

Forget about my shortcoming and all the “should haves" my life, I am content. I do not need to dwell on those things. I once thought it was a good thing to be always looking for a way to improve myself. Now I know that sort of ambition can tear me apart. Acceptance is something I need to – well – to accept. It is all right to be happy with just being the person you are.

I went drinking last night. The experience was amazing. I love catching up with old friends. I am beginning to understand what this whole “partying” mentality is about. No, I will not be staying up until the wee hours of the night everyday but now and then I think it is good for the soul.

I have the opportunity to really think about things and the experiences I am having. Perhaps it is not great to be so introspective but it does allow me to make connections between things. Some say I should get a hobby but I rather enjoy just staring in the expanse and thinking.

I am writing. I have this really cool idea for a story. I think I will have to storyboard it first and then write the “meat” of the story. This idea for novel has been brewing for almost 10 years now. That’s a heck of a long time. Part of me just wants to get it out, you know? It is a fantasy and any one reads that genre knows how out of hand stories can get in that realm.

Oh well, I guess that is for now. I am sure to write again soon.


- Jeffrey

May 23rd; Up-North Thoughts

I do not know how to express this other than to say that I think I could live at the cottage forever. I would say that I cannot even begin to understand what I was missing at home but I do know why. I would miss the people – my friends, my brother and Katherine, the people that I see when I take the bus or walk to streets. However, I digress…

I think I could sleep in the moss. It is so peaceful here. Probably the only annoyance is a battle between the fact that I cannot classify every organism that I come into contact with and the uncertainly of what to do next. Part of me just wants to read the day away. Another part wants to explore the woods and all the inhabitants thereof. Yet another part wants to just sit, sip on something cool, and watch as the breeze dances with the trees. My days would be a combination of both. I would be happy.

Driving into town with my father was a joy. Sometimes I miss how good he is to me. Today I noted it well. The man loves me – hands down and no lie. I have always been closer to my mother and I feel slightly ashamed by that. Dad is great but I never seem able to talk to him on a real deep level. Is it a sin to use your parents? Is it unholy to go to your father with your silly passions and your mother with your serious insecurities? I hope on a hope that it isn’t so. If it is, I am nearly six feet under and feeling toasty.

The vegetation collection goes well. As I figure it, I have 10-12% of my project done. In time more will be accomplished. I can taste the sweet triumph of completion. All I have to do now is grind the gears and slowly get the thing done. I feel good. This third year of Fish and Wildlife is feeling more and more possible each day.

I shall leave you here, for I think the other things on my mind need to brew. I want to write poetry but I think it will come out all too “teen romance”. I want to stay creditable and write quality stuff. Perhaps the answer is to just write it out anyways. Bottling it in like this will only allow it to fester and age; becoming all that more potent.

With God, all things are possible. Grant me the strength. I still believe.

- Jeffrey

May 14th; Small Discoveries

“This time…it was different.”

The empty hours have given me time to think. The ones filled with friends and activity has given me content for those thoughts.

I realized while I was sitting opposite of Matt, watching the 1998 adaption of Les Misérables, that I am a slightly different person with each of my friends. I wondered briefly if this was typical of other people. I assumed it was but I wasn't sure that was something to proud of.

Is it all that uncommon to shape oneself to better suit the people you are with? Does that make me two-faced and a liar?

What really got under my skin was the fact that I am not being true to myself when I adapt to the situation and to the people whom I am with. However, it then dawned on me that this was something that many people probably aspire to obtain. Quite naturally, I am able to slip into a bit of a persona while still maintaining the essential parts that make me Jeffrey. It is not an undesirable feature but rather something that allows me to connect with people on a much larger scale.

It is funny how frequently I question my motives and the characteristic that make me who I am. It would seem that the natural “default” is for me to assume they are unattractive qualities. Time and some third-person perspective allow me to see that in most circumstances this is quite untrue.

I am a friendly person and a nice guy. I am able to meet people’s needs and get along with a variety of temperaments. These are all positive attributes but it will take some affirmations for me to be convinced.

Wish me luck? I guess that is what I want. Prayer is also a safe better (which reminds me that I haven’t been to church in a while).

Toodles…


- Jeffrey

May 11th; The Lounging Figure on My Bed

So what is up with me? I will tell you what you what is up – a bunch!

Friday-Saturday-Sunday was a three day combo-smash in my face. I actually enjoyed it. The funny thing is that it was pretty intense. I went through a huge range of emotions. I was shocked that I was able to go through that kind of thing and not explode.

Perhaps I am playing it up too much. Allow me to explain.

On Friday, I took the GO Bus to Toronto where I met up with the fabulous Bronwen. We decided together that first things first – we needed to do lunch. Her father took us out to a nice Thai place called "Spring Rolls" where the food was excellent. I felt a little guilty that he paid for all of it but I let it go. There is no use in dwelling on something like that.

After the meal, Bronwen and I went to The World’s Biggest Book Store where we got NO books at all (sacrilege!) I suggested a bunch of stuff but nothing caught either of our eyes. By the time we exited the book store, it was raining. We ran across the street to HMV where I picked up a CD for my good buddy (that’s you, Kyle). With the CD purchased, it was nearing the time we needed to head back to the train station so we could meet up with her father. We figured we would just grab a coffee and wait. That did not quite happen. We were told some directions to take by her father but – alas – we suck and got lost. And so began the adventure in the rain!

Thankfully we got to the train in time, had some time to dry off, breifly went back to her place, and then proceeded to go another restaurant for dinner. Once again, it was delicious. I had the opportunity to meet her friends and I get to know her family a bit more. Afterward, we all when we back to Bronwen's house and chatted over coffee. I can honestly say, Bronwen's family is great.

The entire experience was wonderful. I got home at around 11:15pm and couldn’t sleep for several hours. I was just so happy. I filled that time just silently smiling to myself. This was slightly unfortunate since I had in-class driving school at 9:00am the next morning. Even though I was down some sleep, it was pretty good. The instructor is Jamaican and called the Philippino a “China-man” and some of the classmate are hilarious. How could one not have fun? Sunday was basically rinse-wash-repeat of Saturday.

I have been driving a lot - getting that experience behind the wheel - which is great. I love the independence and the confidence that I am building. The autonomy that I will have once I have a G2 will not only be freeing but will make me feel better about myself. I cannot wait to get it. It will be a good thing for me and my personal development. However, I guess I will have to get a vehicle and insurance…blah blah blah! We’ll tackle that when we get to it.

Things are pretty good. I am happy for the most part. There are a few wrinkles to iron out but those will be attended to in time. There is nothing to fret about.

May 5th; This is Me

As promised this is:

A GLIMPSE INTO JEFFREY’S MIND!!!

A lot of things have been on my mind lately and it is making feel quite down. Allow me to list them for you.

First, although I promised my mother and myself I would not, I am pretty anxious about my freaking 100 plant species collection. As soon as I make it up to the cottage, where I am actually around some good aquatic habitat (no industrially damaged), I will be fine. However, for now I am working without a plant press and that limits what I can do. It is all about the equipment, baby.

Secondly, I feel rather emasculated. I feel weak. I am not into the things most guys are. Pizza and beer are not the staples of my diet. My muscles are not my first concern. This is an ‘easy’ fix – eat a bunch of protein and pump some iron – but I kind of enjoy being who I am. I am a social person and I really not going to work out unless I have someone there to positively support me (not yell in my ear that I am pathetic) and share in the experience. I prefer to focus on my ambitions rather than my physical appearance. After all, I didn’t spend 6 months in hospital defeating my false perceptions to just throw it in my therapists’ face.

Third on the list, I have some conflicting emotions towards some people in my life. This was provoked by a conversation with my mother. Apparently I have a habit of finding myself in relationships (including friendships) with people that are in need of a friend. I like helping people and therefore I am drawn to these “puppy dogs” (as my mother calls them). They help me feel better about myself because I have the sense that I am making a difference in these peoples’ lives. As I get more aware of their situations, I tend to get closer. Not my fault, right?

Fourth, I am kind of bummed out that I am having such a difficult time finding work. My father is offering a job at Toronto Hydro that involves making charts, table and graphs in Excel. I am less than enthusiastic to be spending my days in front of a computer. However, it would be cool to being working with my father. Dad is a pretty cool guy.

Last but not least, I feel this lingering doubt concerning the person that I am. I feel really invalidated and stupid when someone asks a question that pertains to my expertise (fish, wildlife, and the environment in general) and I do not know (I am less than helpful). I feel I SHOULD know all this stuff by now. There is this great temptation to just spend my summer studying so that I am ‘prepared’ for all these questions that could be asked. Also, it would be good practice for next year. However, I want to enjoy my summer rather than getting stressed out about school. Sadly, the perfectionist is still alive and living in me. I NEED to do well. Part of me hates that.

Well, there you go. Now you know. Have a good day. Love each other.


- Jeffrey

May 3rd; Another End

Something is wrong

I don't want
anyone
to touch me

Thank you for your time.

I think I will be on my way now.

April 29th; Something to Embrace

It is a quarter to midnight – not my usual time to be up and writing – but I feel I have something important to state.

All my faults, all my short-comings and all my painful memories are NOT the things that define who I am. They are a part of me but they are not entirely me.

It took some harsh realities, a phone call I wish I didn’t have to make and even a little relapse into teenage-hood but I have come out wiser. Denying my many talents and pure determination to just “be” will accomplish nothing.

Therefore, I have decided something. Starting today, there will be no more faking, no more self-deceit and no more crippling doubt. The last one is going to be hard but I am committed to make it happen. This means facing some of my intense fears but I think – at almost 22 – I can finally do that.

I have been putting off the important things. I pretend like it is a “choice” but my lack of drivers’ licence is something I have struggled with since I was 18. Four years may not seem like a long time, but it has been pretty torturous. It is hard, but I am getting in the car, behind the wheel, and putting in the practice. I have booked drivers’ ed and seeking information related to my G2. Whether I ‘like’ it for not, I am getting that damn thing. It is crippling my opportunities and I will not stand for it any longer.

A few days ago I realized that I am a jumbled piece of redundancies but I have made sense of the majority of it. I like doing things and I like doing them well. When I am not near perfect at something, I get discouraged. I also like doing one thing at a time. Sure, I can multitask but if it is something I really would rather avoid, I must tackle it head on (case and point, my licence). Looking for a job and then losing it because I had no legal ability to drive reminded me of that. I need to work on the things I still need before I can wrestle in my dreams.

This all might sound a bit bleak but it is encouraging for me. It fills me with hope. I find myself thanking God a lot more. I believe that is because I am finally discovering exactly who this Jeffrey person is. That feels good.

I could say more, but that should be sufficient to display where I am at for the moment. Hopefully, this will give me the courage and the understanding to continue on this positive path. God willing, and with the support of my family, friends and pets, I will come out of this victorious.


- Jeffrey

April 21st; Careless - The Good Kind

Hell – I do not care. I have nothing to hide

I am feeling really good right now. I am sort of worried about Natural Resource Law exam. I am kind of concerned about next year in third year. Everyone makes it seem like torture. I am a bit preoccupied with this silly collection I have to do this summer. I am a tad upset the girl I like doesn’t get that I like her. Some parts of me are second guessing working at Humane Wildlife Control (you know, that job that I technically do not have yet).

However – like I said – I feeling really good right now.

I am one freaking exam away from coming home to Amber, Kira, Huck, Finn, Mishka, Winter and the fish too. I am one day away from returning to my family and friends. I am a couple sleeps away from reuniting with my home town. I could not be more pleased.

I am writing awesome words (I like them) which makes me really happy. I am getting those bottled emotions out. It is like my own personal drug. It is amazing. I can feel it rejuvenating my body. It has to be healthy!

I am also pretty worn out but it is that good kind of burn. It’s a dull pain that you know is worth it in the end. In that respect, it feels good. I know relief so within my reach.

I just thought I would share that


- Jeffrey

April 18; Just Another Day in Paradizzle

I am not sure what to say…LIES!

Recent days have, once again, been very good to me. Instead of doing my usual intensive studying, I have been taking some time to enjoy myself. This sounds a bit weird, but it has been a bit uncomfortable. I am having some genuine fun, but it feels a bit out of character for me (a.k.a. wrong).

Thursday, the fly-fishing club had a black crappie cook off (the fish were caught off a fly). I had two pints, biked home and then drank some more beer. It was pretty ridiculously good fun. I had some pretty good conversations that day. There was a twinge of guilt but I was able to push it down.

Saturday, I ended up going to Whitby with my friend Bronwen and saw the always enjoyable Alice in Wonderland. It was a pretty cool movie – not what I was expecting but it was quite good. Following that we went out for some Thai, drove back to Lindsay and talked the night almost away.

As for today – I have been doing a lot of thinking and studying. I have been wrestling with whether I should change programs for some time. Third year of Fish and Wildlife promises to be a challenge. I would be lying if I said I that I would not mind having to “kick back” in school. Fish and Wildlife has been busy enough. I do not necessarily need another turning up of the pace.

However – I decided today to stick with Fish and Wildlife. It is going to be a lot of work but I am ready for it. I have the work ethic. I have the dedication. I have the intelligence. Everything else will fall in place. This is going to be good for me and – most likely – a lot of fun as well.

If I can retain my sanity for just a week more, I will be home free. The next four months will be dedicated to friend, family, pets and a job. Somewhere I will fit in collecting some plants. Possibly I can incorporate some of the previous mentioned categories to assist me. Hunting for vegetation can be fun if you know how to make it less about getting plants and more getting you waders full of water and pretending to be the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Take care.


- Jeffrey

April 15th; Measured Milestones

It hard to believe but I am a week away from being done all of my second year Fish and Wildlife courses. Technically, I could graduate. However, I have other plans…

This is how things are looking:

Monday April 19: Limnology II exam and Environmental Issues final test.

Wednesday April 21: Animal Pathology final test and Wildlife Diseases exam.

Thursday April 22: Natural Resource Law exam.

In a way, I am surprised I am as relaxed as I currently am. On the other hand, there really isn’t much to freak out about. In all cases, I know my stuff and I just have to refresh my memory on a few elements. I am confident that I will do all right.

This summer it looks like I will be working at Humane Wildlife Control. I have some concerns if my body is physically up to the challenge but I have been reassured that my dedication and determination will more than make up for some of my short-comings in that area (Thanks, Kyle).

The hard work factor aside, I am pretty freaking excited for that possibility. It is exactly the kind of thing I want to be doing right now. I want to build my understanding of how humans and animals interact. I want firsthand experience with settling those issues. Most of all, I want to be in a position where I can relate to the public and have the feeling that I am helping society.

I may be a weakling now but hopefully I will be jacked by the end of the summer if I do get this job.

Besides the school and work environment – which I tend to spend too much time dwelling upon – I am really pumped to come back home. I miss my friends like I miss being able to eat ice cream without abdominal pain and diarrhea. That is pretty intense. I have a few things lined up but I hope to plan some more. I realized through this semester that I really do not give much recognition to how important my friends are to me. By all right, they should have my full attention.

Finally – I am a bit disappointed that my landlords have not gotten back to my friends who wish to live with me next year. I really do not understand how they could be willy-nilly with the prospect of four guaranteed cheques of 4 month’s rent. That is something like 7500 dollars that they are potentially turning their nose up to.

Perhaps there is something complicating issues. Maybe there are other people are looking to rent (it is an amazingly beautiful house). However – these three girls are cut from quality cloth. They won’t be messing up the house like other people in college would. The four of us are serious students. That is nothing to turn a blind eye to.

Anyways…this is getting long.

Hope all is well in the world. It certainly is looking positive from where I am standing.


- Jeffrey