July 23rd; A Day Like No Other

It has been a while. I apologize. Boo hoo. Let's do this.

I woke up today feeling different. Hard to explain exactly what had changed but the point was that I knew that my mood could go one way or the other. I could actually sense my little brain-bites deciding whether or not this was going to be a "good day" or a "bad day".

After eating and showering, I chose to take the dogs on a walk despite the threat of rain. Earlier on when I was letting the dogs out, I had momentarily felt that the air had a warm but not hot breeze running through it. I thought this might be nice to walk in.

Indeed, within the first few minutes, it began to drizzle but I continued on. The sensation was one I hadn't felt in a while and I wanted to enjoy it. The dogs didn't seem to mind at all so I took the luxury of going a little slower than usually just to "take it all in". By the time I was only a few hundred feet from home, the rain had gotten quite heavy.

Still, I was loving every moment of it. There was this huge stupid grin on my face and must have confused people that were driving past. I didn't care. I was happy. While it was just a little walk in the rain it made me realize that one should never "sweat the small stuff". So I got caught in the rain - so what? I will be dry in thirty minutes. No real harm AT ALL was done.

If I have the ability to "turn around" something that would usually make me grumpy, then I have the power to do that in other aspect of my life - perhaps even on a greater scale. Lately my thoughts have been on two things, the greater being school. I am worried about the coming year and it's difficult. I am concerned about the pressure to pursue my degree after graduating from college. Heck, I am even a little anxious about living with only girls next year. However, there is no need.

The really important things in my life are stable. I have family, friends, healthy and happiness. All the other stuff is a bonus. I know I am a resourceful and capable young man so the rest will fall into place accordingly. And if for some reason it doesn't, oh well. I work on it when I get there. Fretting now will accomplish nothing.

I just thought I would share that little bit of insight. It made me feel good. And powerful.



- Jeffrey

July 2; The Cat Came Back

I decided to keep Gaidyn. The kitten won me over. I cannot believe it but the little monster wiggled his way into my heart.

Here is how it happened. After his brother, Kodiak, moved to a new home, I decided Gaidyn needed some company. He would cry when he was alone. The obvious location for him upstairs was my bedroom. I guess that was my first mistake but, onward in the story we go. I took the beast to the cottage with me. Aside from being beyond adorable, Gaidyn emerged from the basement with an astounding personality. My father was downright silly around him and even my mother seemed to really like him. Gaidyn would tear around the cottage and do his signature “zombie walk”.

Then it happened – the act that tied me forever to this little life. Gaidyn disappeared while I was working away on my vegetation collection, my mother was lying down and my father was making some call outside. For a half an hour, we all tore the cottage apart – calling his name every second – desperate to find the kitten. After a while, we all agreed he has to be outside somewhere. The search began.

Fairly quickly, my hopes of finding him were diminishing. By the hour and a half mark, the voice inside of head said that some vulture had swooped down and taken Gaidyn away from us forever. I know that sounds completely ridiculous but the mind is an amazing magician. The most impossible things flow steady through my imagination.

My father was distraught. My mother apologized every time she saw my glum face. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like crying or running but I knew both of those things would accomplish nothing. I felt so silly. It was just a kitten from some barn and I already had fallen in love. It was a set up for disaster.

Then, finally – miraculously – he just reappeared from seemingly nowhere. It was a grand celebration and I promised to myself and God that if Gaidyn came back I would keep him safe from then on in. I always keep my promised. The kitten is now officially an Ethier.

I wonder how he is going to change as he gets older. I wonder if the same playfulness and spunk will stand the test of time. Spooky lived all his 16+ years as a kitten in spirit – I do not see why things would be any different with Gaidyn. He has certainly formed a bond with me and I intend to foster that special connection.

Here’s to him – Gaidyn, the King of Tabbies


- Jeffrey

June 18th; Happy Again, My Friend

Forget what I have said before – life isn’t as crappy as people make it out to be. Sure, things go down that would make a throng of newborn kittens weep but, for the most part, those things are rarities.

I saw the world through different eyes today. I figured that if I got caught up on every heartache, I was going to destroy myself. I am not going to let that happen. Not when there are so many loving people around me that have done nothing but given me every excuse to be joyous.

After five years of never really giving myself a break, I slept in. It wasn’t too late but it felt great. I was able to just let go, put my head on the pillow, and snoozed for an hour more. I had a quick shower and I swear the water temperature was perfect. I was in heaven.

Mom stayed home from work so we went on an adventure – I drove – to see my life-long babysitter, Louise. While mom and Louise talked, I ran around with Amber and collected aquatic vegetation from the nearby swamp/forest area. I also answered Louise’s several wildflower questions which validated the past two years I have spent on my education at Fleming College.

A few more errands, some practice parking, a bite to eat, and it was already 5:45pm. The day went quickly but I did not mind at all. I was happy – truly happy. I didn’t have to fake it. I was actually jovial and that made me want to hug something. Luckily I have two dogs and two kittens.

I am pumped for Saturday. Perhaps it is my high off of today’s events and my good feeling, but I am excited for the Toth Bonfire and BBQ. That means you, buddy. I have been working on the Jeep footage and it should be done by the end of this weekend if I am not too busy. I will have to invite you over so you can review the changes I have. The mo’fo’ is finally under 20 minutes.

That’s it. That is all I wanted to say.

w00tercakes with score-sauce!

- Jeffrey

June 13th; A New Kind of Living

It has been a week and I am not sure what I have to say.

A lot has happened but I am not sure how willing I am to share it. A lot of people have been talking to me about some pretty serious stuff. I am always willing to lend an ear – that is not the issue – but I worry about my friends and family. Stuff happens. I hope I can provide for them.

In other news, my brother has become quite the man right before my eyes. A new house, a new fiancée, and now a new dog. It is a lot to take in. I am so incredibly proud and happy for him. I really couldn’t ask for a better older brother. He has been nothing but supportive and encouragement. Even during the rough few years, he was there and I am thankful for that.

I had some people over last night. It was a great experience and yet another nice addition to my Heritage Day experiences. I love hosting and it gave me the opportunity to connect with people I haven’t seen in a quite a long time. I have known them for easily 5 years, but it something new always surprises me every time I see them. They are an excellent bunch.

The weeks that are coming up should prove to be promising. At the end of the month I have my G2 driving test. Since my mother will be caught up with convocation, my father will be taking me out to smooth out the blemishes so to speak. My dad is a great guy but he isn’t very critical of me. I worry he will be unwilling to point out my mistakes in hopes to keep the peace.

A completed plant collection and a perhaps a job/volunteer position and I would call myself content. The in between might be tricky and a bit tedious but I will grow from that. That is what life is all about.


- Jeffrey

June 7th; My Eyes! They Do Nothing!

After many years of simply stating that I am “colour blind” I now have a more definite diagnosis.

I am what the optometrists like to call a “strong deutan”. Allow me to explain.

With someone like me who has deuteranopia or red-green colour blindness, the medium wavelength sensitive cones (green) are missing all together. A deuteranope can only distinguish 2 to 3 different hues, whereas somebody with normal vision sees 7 different hues. It is not only red and green that I have trouble with but also greys, purples, and greenish-blues. Basically, I have a tough time differentiating between hues that are close together and also “blend” colours within the red to green spectrum (approximately 700 to 500 nanometres).

I always wondered why I am having the “No, it is blue” argument when people insist it is purple or green. Also, I honestly have trouble picking out a stop sign when it is surrounded in green foliage. Obviously I do not mean it is covered by leaves but rather the backdrop of the stop sign is leaves.

One more hurdle in my identification skills but I am still technically the best in my program. I wonder how that happened. Perhaps I study too much. That Purple Finch versus a House Finch is killer (colour wise) but they do look structurally different. I will just have to rely on shape rather than colour.

Needless to say, I went for an eye exam today. In amongst that I also ran some chores and marveled in how lovely it is to have something to do. I mean, relaxing is all good in theory but after a while it can get tedious. This frustrating job search has made me realize that perhaps I should just find a good volunteer position to keep my mind and hands busy. I might go a little batty without something to do.

Wish me luck, mes amies.

- Jeffrey

June 2nd; It's Taken Me This Long To Learn

I want it to thunder out. The sky will wage noisy war with the atoms in the air. Roaring and imploding. The only evidence is a brief flash of light that quickly dissipates. I want the heavens to scream the frustration for me so my head doesn’t leak out silliness in the form of words. Let the stars rain down in the earth and will the oceans with fury. I need Nature to show some anger. I am not doing too well in this hot stickiness.

In my dim room, I am accompanied by Mishka, Kira and Amber. Pets are special. Their mammalian love makes me happy. They mean more to me than just a pleasant combination of bones, muscle and fur. They are my friends. The first ones I had were pets. They do not mock you, prod you and push you down. Then again, they don’t really challenge you at all.

I am having some troubles with allowing myself to just let go. Mistakes weigh heavily on me. Each one is like a 1 pound weight. Alone they are no problem at all. However, as one after the other piles on my shoulders, the stress builds. Everyone has a breaking point.

It is the silliest things that are upsetting me and I have no idea why I allow them to affect me so much. It is just a freaking driving lesson. It is not the end of the world. What should motivate me actually makes me feel even more pathetic. It tears pieces of me away. Perhaps I have to leave this perfectionism behind (uhh…duh!) but I like too much. It has kept me safe. I cling to that kind of security.

I have forgotten my faith in all of this. I need to venture back to it. It is important. It will give me the strength needed. Nothing else matters as long as I feel the gentle warmth in my heart. That is all that is really important.

All that remains is my only little wish that this is just another fleeting moment. “It’s time to put that happy face on again” the voice says. Lord knows, I am going to listen.


- Jeffrey

May 31st; Adventures and Road Rage

The last three days have filled my head with almost too much to handle. However, this is a good thing.

I would say the good feelings began the moment she texted me that she was coming home. Arrangements made, I arrived at Bronwen’s house at noon on Saturday. Almost immediately we were in the pool and swimming (after a bite of lunch with Donella and Bronwen). I am not a fan of chlorine so I was overjoyed when I realized it was salt water. If you have never swum in a salt water pool, you must try.

I got the pleasure to mingle with Bronwen’s friends and family. This included Shiva (the cat) and Jackson (the dog) which I can admit was one of the highlights. I just really love animals.

I ended up staying over so I could prolong the enjoyment. Good choice. Shiva visited me as I was drifting off. There are few things better than slipping into lala-land than during the gentle massage of a cat purring on your belly. Plus, the morning and afternoon that followed was pretty awesome as well.

It felt a pretty bittersweet leaving. I like home life but a little taste of something different was fun. A lot of fun.

Today was a first – an in-car driving lesson. I got to drive around with Wray – the crazy Jamaican – which was excellent. I think I did well. Apparently there is this thing called a parking brake. A bunch of people use it. I never knew. Other than that, it was great. As the lesson went on, I grew more and more confidence. A wise little birdie told me that confidence is important.

The days that follow are looking good. I pumped out a bunch of applications and resumes. Soon I will have a G2 and more freedom. Paradise awaits.

- Jeffrey

May 26th; Making Connections

Through the hot, humid days,
Through the unexpected surprises,
Through the drinks and drunken conversations,
I have found something that just might be peace.

Plus, how can I not be happy when I have kittens. They have really brightened the last few days. They remind me to stay perky and positive.

Forget about my shortcoming and all the “should haves" my life, I am content. I do not need to dwell on those things. I once thought it was a good thing to be always looking for a way to improve myself. Now I know that sort of ambition can tear me apart. Acceptance is something I need to – well – to accept. It is all right to be happy with just being the person you are.

I went drinking last night. The experience was amazing. I love catching up with old friends. I am beginning to understand what this whole “partying” mentality is about. No, I will not be staying up until the wee hours of the night everyday but now and then I think it is good for the soul.

I have the opportunity to really think about things and the experiences I am having. Perhaps it is not great to be so introspective but it does allow me to make connections between things. Some say I should get a hobby but I rather enjoy just staring in the expanse and thinking.

I am writing. I have this really cool idea for a story. I think I will have to storyboard it first and then write the “meat” of the story. This idea for novel has been brewing for almost 10 years now. That’s a heck of a long time. Part of me just wants to get it out, you know? It is a fantasy and any one reads that genre knows how out of hand stories can get in that realm.

Oh well, I guess that is for now. I am sure to write again soon.


- Jeffrey

May 23rd; Up-North Thoughts

I do not know how to express this other than to say that I think I could live at the cottage forever. I would say that I cannot even begin to understand what I was missing at home but I do know why. I would miss the people – my friends, my brother and Katherine, the people that I see when I take the bus or walk to streets. However, I digress…

I think I could sleep in the moss. It is so peaceful here. Probably the only annoyance is a battle between the fact that I cannot classify every organism that I come into contact with and the uncertainly of what to do next. Part of me just wants to read the day away. Another part wants to explore the woods and all the inhabitants thereof. Yet another part wants to just sit, sip on something cool, and watch as the breeze dances with the trees. My days would be a combination of both. I would be happy.

Driving into town with my father was a joy. Sometimes I miss how good he is to me. Today I noted it well. The man loves me – hands down and no lie. I have always been closer to my mother and I feel slightly ashamed by that. Dad is great but I never seem able to talk to him on a real deep level. Is it a sin to use your parents? Is it unholy to go to your father with your silly passions and your mother with your serious insecurities? I hope on a hope that it isn’t so. If it is, I am nearly six feet under and feeling toasty.

The vegetation collection goes well. As I figure it, I have 10-12% of my project done. In time more will be accomplished. I can taste the sweet triumph of completion. All I have to do now is grind the gears and slowly get the thing done. I feel good. This third year of Fish and Wildlife is feeling more and more possible each day.

I shall leave you here, for I think the other things on my mind need to brew. I want to write poetry but I think it will come out all too “teen romance”. I want to stay creditable and write quality stuff. Perhaps the answer is to just write it out anyways. Bottling it in like this will only allow it to fester and age; becoming all that more potent.

With God, all things are possible. Grant me the strength. I still believe.

- Jeffrey

May 14th; Small Discoveries

“This time…it was different.”

The empty hours have given me time to think. The ones filled with friends and activity has given me content for those thoughts.

I realized while I was sitting opposite of Matt, watching the 1998 adaption of Les Misérables, that I am a slightly different person with each of my friends. I wondered briefly if this was typical of other people. I assumed it was but I wasn't sure that was something to proud of.

Is it all that uncommon to shape oneself to better suit the people you are with? Does that make me two-faced and a liar?

What really got under my skin was the fact that I am not being true to myself when I adapt to the situation and to the people whom I am with. However, it then dawned on me that this was something that many people probably aspire to obtain. Quite naturally, I am able to slip into a bit of a persona while still maintaining the essential parts that make me Jeffrey. It is not an undesirable feature but rather something that allows me to connect with people on a much larger scale.

It is funny how frequently I question my motives and the characteristic that make me who I am. It would seem that the natural “default” is for me to assume they are unattractive qualities. Time and some third-person perspective allow me to see that in most circumstances this is quite untrue.

I am a friendly person and a nice guy. I am able to meet people’s needs and get along with a variety of temperaments. These are all positive attributes but it will take some affirmations for me to be convinced.

Wish me luck? I guess that is what I want. Prayer is also a safe better (which reminds me that I haven’t been to church in a while).

Toodles…


- Jeffrey

May 11th; The Lounging Figure on My Bed

So what is up with me? I will tell you what you what is up – a bunch!

Friday-Saturday-Sunday was a three day combo-smash in my face. I actually enjoyed it. The funny thing is that it was pretty intense. I went through a huge range of emotions. I was shocked that I was able to go through that kind of thing and not explode.

Perhaps I am playing it up too much. Allow me to explain.

On Friday, I took the GO Bus to Toronto where I met up with the fabulous Bronwen. We decided together that first things first – we needed to do lunch. Her father took us out to a nice Thai place called "Spring Rolls" where the food was excellent. I felt a little guilty that he paid for all of it but I let it go. There is no use in dwelling on something like that.

After the meal, Bronwen and I went to The World’s Biggest Book Store where we got NO books at all (sacrilege!) I suggested a bunch of stuff but nothing caught either of our eyes. By the time we exited the book store, it was raining. We ran across the street to HMV where I picked up a CD for my good buddy (that’s you, Kyle). With the CD purchased, it was nearing the time we needed to head back to the train station so we could meet up with her father. We figured we would just grab a coffee and wait. That did not quite happen. We were told some directions to take by her father but – alas – we suck and got lost. And so began the adventure in the rain!

Thankfully we got to the train in time, had some time to dry off, breifly went back to her place, and then proceeded to go another restaurant for dinner. Once again, it was delicious. I had the opportunity to meet her friends and I get to know her family a bit more. Afterward, we all when we back to Bronwen's house and chatted over coffee. I can honestly say, Bronwen's family is great.

The entire experience was wonderful. I got home at around 11:15pm and couldn’t sleep for several hours. I was just so happy. I filled that time just silently smiling to myself. This was slightly unfortunate since I had in-class driving school at 9:00am the next morning. Even though I was down some sleep, it was pretty good. The instructor is Jamaican and called the Philippino a “China-man” and some of the classmate are hilarious. How could one not have fun? Sunday was basically rinse-wash-repeat of Saturday.

I have been driving a lot - getting that experience behind the wheel - which is great. I love the independence and the confidence that I am building. The autonomy that I will have once I have a G2 will not only be freeing but will make me feel better about myself. I cannot wait to get it. It will be a good thing for me and my personal development. However, I guess I will have to get a vehicle and insurance…blah blah blah! We’ll tackle that when we get to it.

Things are pretty good. I am happy for the most part. There are a few wrinkles to iron out but those will be attended to in time. There is nothing to fret about.

May 5th; This is Me

As promised this is:

A GLIMPSE INTO JEFFREY’S MIND!!!

A lot of things have been on my mind lately and it is making feel quite down. Allow me to list them for you.

First, although I promised my mother and myself I would not, I am pretty anxious about my freaking 100 plant species collection. As soon as I make it up to the cottage, where I am actually around some good aquatic habitat (no industrially damaged), I will be fine. However, for now I am working without a plant press and that limits what I can do. It is all about the equipment, baby.

Secondly, I feel rather emasculated. I feel weak. I am not into the things most guys are. Pizza and beer are not the staples of my diet. My muscles are not my first concern. This is an ‘easy’ fix – eat a bunch of protein and pump some iron – but I kind of enjoy being who I am. I am a social person and I really not going to work out unless I have someone there to positively support me (not yell in my ear that I am pathetic) and share in the experience. I prefer to focus on my ambitions rather than my physical appearance. After all, I didn’t spend 6 months in hospital defeating my false perceptions to just throw it in my therapists’ face.

Third on the list, I have some conflicting emotions towards some people in my life. This was provoked by a conversation with my mother. Apparently I have a habit of finding myself in relationships (including friendships) with people that are in need of a friend. I like helping people and therefore I am drawn to these “puppy dogs” (as my mother calls them). They help me feel better about myself because I have the sense that I am making a difference in these peoples’ lives. As I get more aware of their situations, I tend to get closer. Not my fault, right?

Fourth, I am kind of bummed out that I am having such a difficult time finding work. My father is offering a job at Toronto Hydro that involves making charts, table and graphs in Excel. I am less than enthusiastic to be spending my days in front of a computer. However, it would be cool to being working with my father. Dad is a pretty cool guy.

Last but not least, I feel this lingering doubt concerning the person that I am. I feel really invalidated and stupid when someone asks a question that pertains to my expertise (fish, wildlife, and the environment in general) and I do not know (I am less than helpful). I feel I SHOULD know all this stuff by now. There is this great temptation to just spend my summer studying so that I am ‘prepared’ for all these questions that could be asked. Also, it would be good practice for next year. However, I want to enjoy my summer rather than getting stressed out about school. Sadly, the perfectionist is still alive and living in me. I NEED to do well. Part of me hates that.

Well, there you go. Now you know. Have a good day. Love each other.


- Jeffrey

May 3rd; Another End

Something is wrong

I don't want
anyone
to touch me

Thank you for your time.

I think I will be on my way now.

April 29th; Something to Embrace

It is a quarter to midnight – not my usual time to be up and writing – but I feel I have something important to state.

All my faults, all my short-comings and all my painful memories are NOT the things that define who I am. They are a part of me but they are not entirely me.

It took some harsh realities, a phone call I wish I didn’t have to make and even a little relapse into teenage-hood but I have come out wiser. Denying my many talents and pure determination to just “be” will accomplish nothing.

Therefore, I have decided something. Starting today, there will be no more faking, no more self-deceit and no more crippling doubt. The last one is going to be hard but I am committed to make it happen. This means facing some of my intense fears but I think – at almost 22 – I can finally do that.

I have been putting off the important things. I pretend like it is a “choice” but my lack of drivers’ licence is something I have struggled with since I was 18. Four years may not seem like a long time, but it has been pretty torturous. It is hard, but I am getting in the car, behind the wheel, and putting in the practice. I have booked drivers’ ed and seeking information related to my G2. Whether I ‘like’ it for not, I am getting that damn thing. It is crippling my opportunities and I will not stand for it any longer.

A few days ago I realized that I am a jumbled piece of redundancies but I have made sense of the majority of it. I like doing things and I like doing them well. When I am not near perfect at something, I get discouraged. I also like doing one thing at a time. Sure, I can multitask but if it is something I really would rather avoid, I must tackle it head on (case and point, my licence). Looking for a job and then losing it because I had no legal ability to drive reminded me of that. I need to work on the things I still need before I can wrestle in my dreams.

This all might sound a bit bleak but it is encouraging for me. It fills me with hope. I find myself thanking God a lot more. I believe that is because I am finally discovering exactly who this Jeffrey person is. That feels good.

I could say more, but that should be sufficient to display where I am at for the moment. Hopefully, this will give me the courage and the understanding to continue on this positive path. God willing, and with the support of my family, friends and pets, I will come out of this victorious.


- Jeffrey

April 21st; Careless - The Good Kind

Hell – I do not care. I have nothing to hide

I am feeling really good right now. I am sort of worried about Natural Resource Law exam. I am kind of concerned about next year in third year. Everyone makes it seem like torture. I am a bit preoccupied with this silly collection I have to do this summer. I am a tad upset the girl I like doesn’t get that I like her. Some parts of me are second guessing working at Humane Wildlife Control (you know, that job that I technically do not have yet).

However – like I said – I feeling really good right now.

I am one freaking exam away from coming home to Amber, Kira, Huck, Finn, Mishka, Winter and the fish too. I am one day away from returning to my family and friends. I am a couple sleeps away from reuniting with my home town. I could not be more pleased.

I am writing awesome words (I like them) which makes me really happy. I am getting those bottled emotions out. It is like my own personal drug. It is amazing. I can feel it rejuvenating my body. It has to be healthy!

I am also pretty worn out but it is that good kind of burn. It’s a dull pain that you know is worth it in the end. In that respect, it feels good. I know relief so within my reach.

I just thought I would share that


- Jeffrey

April 18; Just Another Day in Paradizzle

I am not sure what to say…LIES!

Recent days have, once again, been very good to me. Instead of doing my usual intensive studying, I have been taking some time to enjoy myself. This sounds a bit weird, but it has been a bit uncomfortable. I am having some genuine fun, but it feels a bit out of character for me (a.k.a. wrong).

Thursday, the fly-fishing club had a black crappie cook off (the fish were caught off a fly). I had two pints, biked home and then drank some more beer. It was pretty ridiculously good fun. I had some pretty good conversations that day. There was a twinge of guilt but I was able to push it down.

Saturday, I ended up going to Whitby with my friend Bronwen and saw the always enjoyable Alice in Wonderland. It was a pretty cool movie – not what I was expecting but it was quite good. Following that we went out for some Thai, drove back to Lindsay and talked the night almost away.

As for today – I have been doing a lot of thinking and studying. I have been wrestling with whether I should change programs for some time. Third year of Fish and Wildlife promises to be a challenge. I would be lying if I said I that I would not mind having to “kick back” in school. Fish and Wildlife has been busy enough. I do not necessarily need another turning up of the pace.

However – I decided today to stick with Fish and Wildlife. It is going to be a lot of work but I am ready for it. I have the work ethic. I have the dedication. I have the intelligence. Everything else will fall in place. This is going to be good for me and – most likely – a lot of fun as well.

If I can retain my sanity for just a week more, I will be home free. The next four months will be dedicated to friend, family, pets and a job. Somewhere I will fit in collecting some plants. Possibly I can incorporate some of the previous mentioned categories to assist me. Hunting for vegetation can be fun if you know how to make it less about getting plants and more getting you waders full of water and pretending to be the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Take care.


- Jeffrey

April 15th; Measured Milestones

It hard to believe but I am a week away from being done all of my second year Fish and Wildlife courses. Technically, I could graduate. However, I have other plans…

This is how things are looking:

Monday April 19: Limnology II exam and Environmental Issues final test.

Wednesday April 21: Animal Pathology final test and Wildlife Diseases exam.

Thursday April 22: Natural Resource Law exam.

In a way, I am surprised I am as relaxed as I currently am. On the other hand, there really isn’t much to freak out about. In all cases, I know my stuff and I just have to refresh my memory on a few elements. I am confident that I will do all right.

This summer it looks like I will be working at Humane Wildlife Control. I have some concerns if my body is physically up to the challenge but I have been reassured that my dedication and determination will more than make up for some of my short-comings in that area (Thanks, Kyle).

The hard work factor aside, I am pretty freaking excited for that possibility. It is exactly the kind of thing I want to be doing right now. I want to build my understanding of how humans and animals interact. I want firsthand experience with settling those issues. Most of all, I want to be in a position where I can relate to the public and have the feeling that I am helping society.

I may be a weakling now but hopefully I will be jacked by the end of the summer if I do get this job.

Besides the school and work environment – which I tend to spend too much time dwelling upon – I am really pumped to come back home. I miss my friends like I miss being able to eat ice cream without abdominal pain and diarrhea. That is pretty intense. I have a few things lined up but I hope to plan some more. I realized through this semester that I really do not give much recognition to how important my friends are to me. By all right, they should have my full attention.

Finally – I am a bit disappointed that my landlords have not gotten back to my friends who wish to live with me next year. I really do not understand how they could be willy-nilly with the prospect of four guaranteed cheques of 4 month’s rent. That is something like 7500 dollars that they are potentially turning their nose up to.

Perhaps there is something complicating issues. Maybe there are other people are looking to rent (it is an amazingly beautiful house). However – these three girls are cut from quality cloth. They won’t be messing up the house like other people in college would. The four of us are serious students. That is nothing to turn a blind eye to.

Anyways…this is getting long.

Hope all is well in the world. It certainly is looking positive from where I am standing.


- Jeffrey

April 10th; Hope Restored

I am so freaking happy right now.

I decided to go to the Fleming College open house and that turned out to be a fabulous choice. First of all, I love sharing my experience with people (especially potential Fish and Wildlife students). Second, it is always good to do two things at once so while I was gaining volunteer “brownie” points I was also working on my opossum hide.

After that was all said and done (9:30am to 2:15pm) I headed to the BioCommons to study my aquatic invertebrates. My classmate Lisa was also there and we got to talking. Apparently she was looking for a house to live in next year. Guess who has some vacancies at the house he is living in.

So Lisa and Megan popped by the house and basically fell in love with it. I was so happy when the words “I would love to live here” came out of their mouths.

There is some competition for the house but hopefully we can get what we want: Jeffrey, Megan, Lisa and Emma (Lisa’s current roommate) to live at 43 Bond St. The young women that was also looking at the house seemed nice enough and I would not mind her living her as well but if it interferes with my friends getting in, then I might be vicious.

As a pit of pre-celebration, Beth (another friend) came to see the house and then Beth, Lisa and Megan and I went to Peterborough for some sushi. Never really had it before – absolutely love it now. I will definitely going to have to go out for sushi again. The raymen noodles that I ordered were pretty darn tasty as well.

So few times I have truly good news like this. I feel like I am on cloud nine. If only, my wishes came true. I would be a very happy Jeffrey come September time. It would effectively wipe away my school concerns. I can feel it now…

Ah! I love this feeling!


- Jeffrey

April 8th; School of the Fin and Fang

It is kind of strange how one little comment can change your entire mood.

I was sitting in Animal Pathology class when my friend turned to me to ask what I was doing this weekend. We swapped plans and somehow got on the topic of next years. She asked me if I intended to come back for the third year of Fish and Wildlife. I said I did. Then she mentioned the aquatic vegetation collection.

I pretty much just denied it until the end of the lecture. The class happened to end 15 minutes before the next lecture so I popped over to the Wildlife lab to speak to John. Apparently there is another vegetation collection…and it is 100 species this time - 100 aquatic species.

It was hard enough to collect 80 species when it was common stuff that you find all around the place. This time it is all aquatic. This prompted me to look up what the courses are for next year.

Big Game and Fur Management I
Environmental Analysis
Fall Field Camp
Field Placement
Limnology III
Sport and Commercial Fisheries
Waterfowl Management

Applied GIS
Big Game and Fur Management II
Environmental Monitoring
Environmental Sampling and Analysis
Field Placement
Fisheries and Wildlife Research Project
Integrated Habitat Assessment
Winter Field Camp

It sounds pretty freaking cool. I am not AS excited for the Fisheries stuff but that is only one class. I have been struggling with my study skin so the Big Game and Fur Management is kind of intimidating. However, I do really enjoy a challenge.

I am just so worried about things. I want to stop thinking about school 24/7. I want to actually enjoy the summer this year rather than just “tolerate” like I did last year. I wonder if this is the right thing for me. I wonder if I am just doing this because it “seemed like fun”. It is crazy.

For the time being, I will sit with it. I am a tough cookie. I can deal with it.

Still – I feel like I need a little extra something to help me along. Pray for me?


- Jeffrey

April 6th; Days to the Brim

It has been an interesting couple of days:

I have been through hell and back, so to speak. Although it was just a infection it was pretty serious. It was literally a matter of life and limb. If it got into the heart...whatever.

I went to the cottage for some R&R and realized that I belong with nature. It makes me feel good. The air is breathable. The smells are palatable. The sights are worthy of going blind over.

Today was an experience: I performed a mammal necropsy on a muskrat, I filled out an accident report, studied aquatic invertebrates, ate Manwich (yum), I got a drive home from my pathology professor, biked to Canadian Tire to get a lunch box, started to make a sandwich and realized that the bread had poppy seeds in them (allergic) and then flopped down on my bed when I noticed that I hadn't purchased some salt for my opossum hide.

Life has been full lately. Very, very full. Once again I feel that tug to go back to the basics. I am very much looking forward to a summer of free-living. It would be nice to work.

I am going to go before my head explodes.

Love


- Jeffrey

April 2nd; I Have Felt Them All

Complete apathy --> Misery --> Fatigue --> Illness --> Confounding thoughts --> Guilt --> Relief --> Numbness.

These past few days I have felt them all.

I am in that place where I do not know what to do with myself. Recently I have been doing the silly thing of analyzing my relationships with people. I have made some conclusions which the results are less than satisfactory.

It all boils down to this: I need to make more time for my friends.

This summer is about three things:
a) Finding a job
b) Getting my G2
c) Being with my friends

Nothing must get in my way of accomplishing those things. There are some pretty amazing people in my life that deserve more attention. As well, I can admit, I miss them all so dearly. I feel like I am shooting myself in the foot if I let them slip away. They are my life-force. I need them to be happy.

Therefore, beware of Jeffrey. In the days to come he will be requesting to see you and then spend some time with you.

I hope you are all adequately prepared.


- Jeffrey

March 27th; Loved Ones

Sometimes, we make mistakes:


Snatched – gone – taken from your home
The terror beyond your unseeing eyes
Stolen from the world that you have never known
Never hearing your mother’s sorrowful cries

You will not get the chance to scurry
To play and to enjoy your beautiful youth
The Hounds of Hell took you away in a hurry
Filched of the period where you could run aloof

I held your hand in mine
I could feel the sadness in your heart
The pressure in my own
And the hurt inside of my breast
“You will never be opening your eyes”
It was all I could think as I dried your hair
I looked inside to find some life
All I found was more pain in there
I am sorry I took you from the Earth
The kind nurse of bone, leaf and soil
Now you are violated and decapitated
Left in an orange bag – left only to spoil

Detached – done – I’m a beast and no less
I love you too late so I suffer the pain
I thought I could help but I was wrong
There some are things I cannot obtain

Once I was a saviour – but that is no more
I failed to be your kind human friend
I remember your grey, black and white patterns
But I cannot put your sweet body back again



- Jeffrey

March 25th; Full of Good

I know I have been hard on myself.

I know I do not really give people the time and day that I should.

I know that sometimes I think too much about thing and miss those wonderful opportunities.

I know that I come across as a self-seeking, smart ass from time to time

I know that I am nowhere near the perfect person I want to be.

However, today I received something that proved to me that I am not the loser I think I am. I am smiling and I feel good about myself. There is that long sought spring in my step. The sun is shining both on my face and in my heart. I love myself today.

I want to share this love. Who will receive it?

March 21; My Infliction Realized

Every so often you get one of those moments where you just stop and realize that your life is not a pile of gos se but rather things are quite excellent.

This weekend is a fantastic example of that. My father picked me up at Fleming College on possibly one of the best days – weather wise – that the town of Lindsay has experienced in months. I am saying winter is not beautiful in its own way, but after a few REALLY cold weeks, it is nice to have the sun shining and a light breeze blowing between the Scots pines.

When I got home, I played some basket-ball and settled in for the evening. The next morning I got up with my mother and we went off to work. I had a job interview with Human Wildlife Control at 9:30am which I was both looking forward to and, in a way, dreading. I realized a little too late that I might not meet some of the qualifications.

In the words of the interviewer, I “nailed it” and I am going to call him mid-April to see if he needs me. It felt as if he was telling me that I had the job as long as there was a need for another person on the crew. In my mind, that is a mission accomplished.

That evening my father and I watched a really bad Japanese monster, had a good hardy laugh, and went to bed refreshed. Rarely do I get that these hectic days at school. Usually my thoughts are too enraptured in assignments and tests to feel much peace. It is as if my eyelids close from exhaustion rather than a will to have a good night’s rest.

Saturday I woke up tired but excited. I had the feeling that despite the tranquil process of going to bed, my sleep was packed full of dreams. I do have a fleeting recollection of my mother, in the dream, mentioning my shoes were too effeminate and that my ribs were enlarging underneath my skin; stretching it to the point of tearing. The excitement was around seeing my friends, Kyle and Matt, after a brief but acknowledgeable absence. It may have only been two weeks, but I already felt like I was losing touch with them. Also, I was looking forward to giving Matt a CD for his birthday – “Read Music, Speak Spanish”.

Kyle came around 3:20pm; we quickly picked up some isopropyl alcohol (for my beasties) and then played 7 solid games of pool. To my surprise, I am played well. I always thought I was insufficiently talented for a guy whose parent’s OWNED a pool table. My brother, his girlfriend and two friends joined my parents, Kyle and I for dinner. We mowed down on sausages and salad for dinner, my parents left for a concert and then we ‘kids’ played Cranium WOW. The game is quite tricky but it was a lot of fun.

Matt popped by around 8:00pm. More pool was played and fun was had. Something about Kyle and Matt – even friends in general – make me so happy inside. I am sure that sounds kind of silly, and rather perverse, but that is what I feel. There is this swell of “goodness” that has the most enjoyable sensation ever.

I am going to stop there before I say something really disgusting.

I am truly lucky to have these people: Emily (x3), Matt, Kyle, Amy, Meg (x3), Karen, Jason (x2), Andrea and Brett. Sometimes I am really naïve about it, but recently I have realized that these are the people that make my life matter. It is not school. It is not good grades. It is not even following the rules and being a model citizen. It is my friends.

Why did I see this earlier?


- Jeffrey


(image courtesy of MindStep ©2008)

March 17th; Decisions, Decision, Decisions...

I am having some difficulty deciding – am I am helpful fellow or am I a smart-ass?

Here are the facts in the issue:
1. Whenever someone is studying something out loud, I am extremely tempted to get involved.
2. I like sharing my opinion.
3. I learn through trial and error.
4. When possible, I will ask others about what they think the answer is and gauge it with my own.
5. I study a good three hours a day.
6. I had my little way; I would eat peaches every day.

The honest truth is that I do not intend for it to be malicious. People have learned that I am well-informed and usually have the correct answer. I enjoy the attention and the respect. Is it really wrong for me to feel good about that?

I have been taught from a young age that it is good to share your talents. I feel there is not much more to share than my dedication to my program. I am a pretty boring guy aside from my scholastic capabilities. Therefore, I share my wisdom and experience to anyone who asks of it. Through that I have built a reputation that I adore. People know my name and that feels great.

There are some down sides to this. There is an awful large amount of pressure to stay on top of my course material. This alone makes me rather anxious. I feel almost as if I lose my smarts, no one will care about me. There is a push to be perfect; one which I may or may not be able to upkeep.

Part of me does not want to care THIS much about school and my grades. I am happy-go-lucky guy by nature. I care more about relationships (social interaction) than I do about how well I do in school. However, with that said, there is still that self-requirement for me to achieve high marks. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to ignore people to keep these standards at the level I has thus far held them at. It is this key element that causes the most conflict in my days.

Although, I think I got it down. I have decided I am a nice guy that likes to help. Sometimes I come on too heavy and stick my nose in business that I do not belong in but it is based in good intentions. I am not perfect but I want to be. I realize that is an unachievable goal. I also know that school is temporary and people have the potential to be forever (they are certainly a lot more long lived than test marks).

Love each other!


- Jeffrey

March 16th; First Canada Wins Gold and Then This?!

It is amazing how much a little number can make you feel. I did not think it would affect me this much. It’s kind of scary.

In no way am I an expert birder but I am proud to say that I got 100% on my Bird Identification test in my Wildlife course. The teacher even picked it out of the pile to use it as a marking sheet. I guess he had confidence in me.

Based on this test alone, I can ID 40 birds. That is more than a lot of people can boast. It is one step closer to knowing my beloved Earth. I consider this a great accomplishment.

I was so worried about it. In retrospect, I am not even sure why that was. I am always a very diligent person. When I put my heart and effort into something, I always get results. However, I still get this silly feeling now and then that my grades are a fluke; that I have just gotten lucky. It is ridiculous.

To make things even better, it is a truly beautiful day outside. I am definitely going to sit outside a read. Nothing is better after a day at work/school, then relaxing on the front porch of your house, enjoying a good novel, and possibly sipping on a cool drink. I used to think Spring was a ugly season. I am beginning to reconsider.

I still have three more exams/tests this week. I am confident that I will do well on those as well. Perhaps it will not be 100% but there is always the potential.

More than anything, I needed this. I was down last night. I was done most of the weekend. As a celebration of my 200th piece of poetry, I posted a “woe is me” piece. The weather was grumpy and so was I. I can admit to that. I agreed to take a job and then regretted it. I had this notion that I did not have enough time for it, that the hours and pay was not enough and that I would probably be no good at it. All of it combined made me miss my home, my friends and everything in Ancaster

However, today was a great day. I woke up late, shoved cereal down my gullet and then sped to school. I made it to class exactly on time – out of breath but smiling. Within the hour, the sun came out and filled my heart with gladness. I was laughing easy and wasn’t stressed out for once. Then I wrote the Bird ID test and that was like the whipping cream onto of my apple crumble day. It was amazing.

Just for all those people who feel like giving up – like I did before today – hold on because I know there are days like these for each and everyone. If you run, they will never be able to catch up with you. Hold tight and have faith.


- Jeffrey

March 14; Insanity Returned

I probably should not feel so happy that the landlords are gone but I do. It is not that they are bad people – they are kind enough – but it does take a lot out of me when I am so paranoid about them. I fear I will do something wrong. I fear that they will think less of me. Most of all, I fear that I will be kicked out.

I am glad that I have a house with some pretty awesome people I don’t want that taken away.

I have been thinking a lot about who I am and what I stand for. I am kind of lost in around who that person is. I think I know but then I lose it. It is the most frustration thing I have dealt with in a long while. A lot more complicated than the silly school worries that I am used to.

One thing is for sure, and that is that I miss the person I felt I was once upon a time. Somewhere, I lost who that person was. I have written extensively about who I think I am becoming. I am not sure I like that person. I strive to be the best I can be in everything that I do. However, that is not always possible. I do sometimes fail and that tears me apart.

When the landlady mentioned that I have changed, it really bothered me. I could tell by her tone what she did not think it was for the good. I wanted to ask her what she meant by it. I wanted to know what I had done wrong. The fact that such a little comment can still have that much power over me is disconcerting.

In good news, I think I have a grasp on my 280 bird species. I get a little mixed up with the warblers and sparrow but otherwise I have been blazing through that PPT like a wildfire. It feels good to know what I am looking at when I walk out my front door. The only thing left to do is to master their calls. That will probably be a lifelong thing. Not everything is so easily acquired.

Probably the best thing all week has been that I have finally found my words again. I can write and I believe to be writing some quality stuff. This garble that I write down from time to time is my form of expression. Without, I do not know what I would do with myself. The week or so without it was bad enough. I would not like to see me after a prolonged bout.

I think that is all for now. My time is limited on this library computer that I report from. Wish me luck in my endeavours. I will be praying to you.

- Jeffrey

March 13th; Bond Street Tyrants

It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting in Fleming College typing this baby up. It is raining and my motivation to bike back to the house in meagre at best.

I am a few days early for posting a journal but I feel as if I have rather important to things to be discussing (aka I have something to say and want at least someone to share it with).

I have been living in this grand, old house in Lindsay, Ontario for over a year now. The location is great and the house is spacious. Last September I was introduced to three great people, two of which still live with me know. They have become fantastic friends and I hope to remain in contact them even after our college days are over. All in all, I am happy there and consider it like a section home.

However, there is a problem. It is my landlords. Well…the landlady.

I feel as if I need someone to support that these people are not positive spectrum of crazy. Here are some items as evidence.

(a) The woman loves the smell of stripe skunk spray.

(b) She once said, after complimenting me and displayed modesty, “You know I am not putting you on a pedestal. Your brain failed to synapse a few times this year. You were part of the couch incident” (which, in truth, I was not).

(c) She openly taunts and torments her six year old daughter and calls her retarded.

(d) She fanatically cleans the house, noting that we the housemates have “attempted” to clean, and mentions her disgust of us; thus undermining our efforts.

There are more examples but my purpose is to say that I am considering moving because of just how awkward and demeaning she can be to my housemates, her family and me. Additionally, I kind of have been offered a room at a house that is closer to the college, cheaper and where the landlords do not come every three weeks to make me feel unclean and anxious. I am usually not this critical. Something is wrong with me...

Maybe it is the fact I have four tests next week. Perhaps it has to do with how tired I am from standing for 5 hours in order to skin a Virginia Opossum (Didelphis virginiana) and not even getting half way done. It could even be that I am pissy that the landlady says that I have changed my personality for the worse. Whatever the reason, I do not like how stirred up I get when she is around. I don’t like that I am feeling afraid to go back to that house.

January 16th; I Threw Up Feelings Today.

I am angry because no one appreciate or understand my thoughts.
I guess I need therapy.

I am sad because the closest I can get to someone is to be an 'acquaintance".
I guess I am too selfish.

...

I am in a pretty good place in my life but I must admit that I am frustrated. I get these great marks and all my professors this week basically told me that those numbers are meaningless. The one teacher - of Human Relations - says it is all about how I treat and behave around people. Another teacher - of Wildlife - requires that I know hundreds of birds, mammals, trees, shrubs and vegetation. The rest seem to believe it is all about field experience.

The good news? I am a very motivated person. I will get everything done. I consider myself a pretty great team player. I have some possibilities lined up for work this summer. I am pretty keen on my identification skills.

The bad news? It is week one and I already feel that tension slipping in. I thought I had gotten rid of that over the break. I guess not.

Other stupid little things are bothering me. I won't go into those. I have had enough with complaining. I thought this would be a safe place to purge myself of negativity. I do not think many people look at this (nix that - I KNOW!)

That said, I would like the thank the following people. Lately, you have been so good to me.

Amy, Sara, Kyle, Matt, Andy, Emily, Karen, Jason, Michael, Mother, Father and Grandma.

Oh - and a huge thanks to God. 21+ years and I am still alive. It is all you, Big Guy.


- Jeffrey